I was a teenager when “Go to your room” was a punishment and not the same as saying “Go to your arcade/shopping mall/video chat room/infinite music and video library/recording booth/photo studio.”

When you feel sad you’ve been forced to break-up after 18 great ones, but it’s with the talented audiobook reader in a series of 40+ books. 😢

🎵I dread the news today. Oh boy. 🎵 - A Day in the Life 2026

St. Patrick's Day may be on the way but the Lucky Charms leprechaun is no longer a major celebrity. He's been magically D-listed.

When you feel good about yourself you make better company.

at this point people who don’t see this as a grift deserve everything they get

*scooping out the skull of my vanquished foe and filling it with spinach artichoke dip* in this case revenge is a dish best served piping hot with a side of garlic crostini

You may not know the name Bob Boyle, but he Art Directed many of our lives as youngsters. This Mount Rushmore was his:

Well today in AI scams targeting authors. I received an email claiming to want to include my book in a book club. Not only do all the photos of authors they claim to work with look AI generated but look at @colsonwhitehead.com and @zadiesmith.bsky.social and then look at these photos

As the laid off Middle East News Editor, I concur. Management eliminated the positions of every single staff correspondent and bureau chief in the Middle East.

interviewer: any weaknesses? me: my knees

made a thing. if i can go to bed early, i do it because there is no shortage of sleepless nights.

We should actually light liars' pants on fire

This is extraordinarily moving and inclusive. #ActorAwards

No, technically the week doesn't start until after lunch on Monday. (Don't worry, lots of people get that wrong.)

I only want to see your hiking vlog if you mistimed it and have to walk back in the dark.

Eat the forbidden rotisserie chicken

million dollar idea: a tissue box that actually dispenses one tissue at a time

A “Show Less Like This” button for real life

Hey folks! Do you hate the Sunday scaries but love and/or tolerate my humor? Well you’re in luck, because I’m writing a weekly humor column! (screaming crying throwing up etc) It’s called “Know Worries” and the first issue is up now on my substack and Patreon! And it’s free! Links below and in bio!

the same great sunday scaries you know and love: now with 80% more war!

The great Ron Howard turns 72 Sunday. I Opie had a great birthday.

The ides of March are coming if you need ideas about what to get your local emperor.

In that awkward period, between birth and death.

✨Atrocity cronut✨

Oh hey. It’s me. Angry. On a plane. My acting forté

Board of Peace off to a rocky start

When it's not a pedestrian crosswalk but you slow and stop anyway to let someone cross but then they take their sweet fucking time and don't even give you the friendly "thank you" wave and, anyway, I'm gonna need someone to help me peel this guy off the underside of my car.

Christina Applegate on how MS made her an ‘honesty missile’: ‘I won’t lie and say any of this is a blessing’

Report: 1 In 5 Air Ducts Contains Person Looking, Listening In On You

reminder that you are not obligated in any way to binge every moment of every horror going on. take time out for yourself. get that extra hour of sleep. buy yourself that delicious dessert. give a Nazi another curb stomp so they won’t have any teeth left for identification at the morgue. yoga.

Don't even tell me about the expectations unless they're great

lawyer: number four, why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury? me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency.

“Stanley, don’t forget you promised to put together the crib this weekend.”

It's gorgeous out, I say from the inside.

I was my tv’s favorite kid growing up.

hobbies include accidentally biting my tongue for no reason

Hi. I’m Bleep Bloop and I’m hosting SNL with musical guest Wocka Wocka.

i see we’re going to the same place. would you like to share a hand basket?

eating dry Kix like a baby like a Pac-man

I've never burned a bridge in my life. I just cease all maintenance until it falls apart on its own.

the fifa peace prize used to mean something

It’s a good evening to read a novel.

I guess this means we're not talking hockey anymore.

the odds of me killing a plastic plant are low but not impossible

Post a pic you took, no context, to bring some Zen to the feed

Hold up...I thought Diana Ross was the Supreme Leader?