I need a burger with so many toppings and sauces that I look like I’ve licked my way out of a dumpster when I’m done

I hope I die with dignity, because I certainly haven’t lived that way.

I don't like the person I become when I clean.

The movies had us convinced that every villain was clever and brilliant and cunning. It turns out that stupid and hateful people are the most dangerous.

It’s not the heat… It’s the stupidity.

I warned my cat about you

Watching wild pigs is boaring

Work would be so much better if there were breaks where someone came in and played with my hair.

I told my cat about you

Most people don't understand why I have a survival kit already packed. I don't understand why anyone wouldn't have one.

Someone has to make inspirational posts. Not me but someone.

and to think that I woke up from a coma for this shit

my default response to anything is nap

*picking apart a blooming onion* ME: he loves me, he loves me not, he loves me...

Long story short, don't go into a ball pit after Taco Bell...

let’s call this one the Best Depression

[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the banjo at home tomorrow

Life is the quicksand they warned us about as kids.

If you pretend that you're erasing evidence of a murder while cleaning the bathroom, you'll do a better job and it's more fun!

Medusa: *taking a selfie* goddammit!

If you invite me on a date for pickleball, I’m going to assume you’re preparing for your relocation to Boca Raton.

Pronouncing ‘mustache’ like ‘ache’

If your avi is a burrito, I’m going to like your content.

Don’t worry, we’ll get through this. Not alive, but we’ll get through it.

thank god we didn't call them bluesky messages or else we'd all be sliding into each others bms

I think cats should have wings

I thought supernatural meant you look good without makeup

Remembering the time I brought a bf to a family thing & he pointed at my uncle & whispered, “That’s my parole officer.”

A glory hole, but for getting different types of cookies.

bites your shoulder and brushes my lips against your ear murmuring, “two all beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles, onions on a sesame seed bun”

I like to finish viewing a documentary with a nod and a very solid Hmmm.

*signs up for 5K* alright, so when do I get the cash?

what I lack in intelligence I make up for with my selection of snacks

I’m not really an introvert. It’s just I don’t like people.