The inventor of the recorder should be forced to listen to a group of 100 5th graders playing Hot Cross Buns on the recorder for all of eternity.

Stop bleeding for people who never knew you were injured.

every like i give is now a peace prize, you’re welcome

Not enough of you read cereal boxes as a kid eating breakfast, and it shows.

You could easily convince me the universe is an eight year old boy who keeps pulling on my pigtails because “he likes me.”

The thing is I hardly ever fuck around but I’m always finding out.

If cats don’t want to be held like babies then why baby sized

Let me shave your legs, baby. It'll be sexy. [later] They said to keep putting pressure on it till the ambulance gets here.

Boss: "You're fired." Me: *turns in my gun and my badge* Boss: "You're a waiter where did you get those?"

“Damn it, that sounded way funnier in my head.” - me and every tweet I’ve ever written.

I say "wow, someone actually gave that person a driver's license" at least a dozen times a day.

Long story short, the morgue has a strict policy against playing "Is it cake?"...

Pronounces plaid like laid

If you're not cold then they're not cold and you don't even have to bring them inside 🏆👑 Congratulations @banish-all-hope.bsky.social from @jollyrobber.bsky.social 🏴‍☠️

When I was a kid and imagined what the future would be like, I never thought it would involve plugging in my couch.

I know it's my battle, but, would you mind holding my sword for a bit.

I need a burger with so many toppings and sauces that I look like I’ve licked my way out of a dumpster when I’m done

I hope I die with dignity, because I certainly haven’t lived that way.

I don't like the person I become when I clean.

The movies had us convinced that every villain was clever and brilliant and cunning. It turns out that stupid and hateful people are the most dangerous.

It’s not the heat… It’s the stupidity.

I warned my cat about you

Watching wild pigs is boaring

Work would be so much better if there were breaks where someone came in and played with my hair.

I told my cat about you

Most people don't understand why I have a survival kit already packed. I don't understand why anyone wouldn't have one.

Someone has to make inspirational posts. Not me but someone.

and to think that I woke up from a coma for this shit

my default response to anything is nap

*picking apart a blooming onion* ME: he loves me, he loves me not, he loves me...

Long story short, don't go into a ball pit after Taco Bell...

let’s call this one the Best Depression

[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the banjo at home tomorrow

Life is the quicksand they warned us about as kids.

If you pretend that you're erasing evidence of a murder while cleaning the bathroom, you'll do a better job and it's more fun!

Medusa: *taking a selfie* goddammit!