Why don't we just go back to blogs and feed readers. We didn't need CEOs for that.

Scooby-doo takes the mask off of bluesky and it was the torment Nexus all along

A yellow ninja turtle that says: don’t have a cowabunga

Old black southerners got some insults on them boy. Cause what you mean I couldn’t find my ass with my hands in my back pockets?

the age verification shit is so dumb bc it paints a big ol target on the security systems of all social platforms and most of them are lacking. making people submit themselves to a gamble to have their personal data stolen. :I

If a government shutdown doesn't stop us from murdering civilians in international waters, I'd argue it's not really a shutdown at all

[werner herzog voice] "please pay attention to the menu options as they may have changed. change and uncertainty are as inevitable as our eventual deaths in a cold and uncaring universe. your call is important to us, please stay on the line for as long as you are able."

A Trumper asked me today if I was one of those nutjobs trying to save polar bears. My reply I think shocked him: No. The polar bears are already dead bears walking/swimming. We can't save them. They will go extinct in the wild. At this point, we're just trying to keep agriculture from collapsing.

There was a great war between the Udands and the Petrocryids in the far off country of Albaquult. Both sides suffered heavy casualties, until the warrior Gelod used the great sword of Kanhaplohumult to slay the dragon Torrifolist at the Battle of Fragiorthod. I lied, those are all names of soils.

it’s burger time

When a goofy reply to a news post starts doing numbers in the middle of the day

Therapist: I think you suffer from selective hearing, you only hear what you want to hear Me: no, you’re the best

Is calling all the generals to one place the military version of return-to-office? Like they all gotta stand around the water cooler complaining for a while and also most of them get the 'rona.

A consequence of being a matador is the occasional Göring

Somebody went under a dock And there they saw a block It wasn't a block Was a block lobster

A consequence of being a matador is the occasional Göring

Just saw someone say they prefer Tylenol’s Rapid Release (of the Epstein files) and lost it

Ah now that it's the afternoon it's time for me to tune in to the news to find out what's the new dumbest thing I've ever heard someone say, and why did the president of the United States say it

It would really suck if the rapture was like one day before your birthday Jesus robbed you of your cake

am i the only asshole that knows what a superlative is or am I the only asshole who cares you're all doing it wrong

Just a reminder before the “big announcement” today. Autism was discovered in 1911 and the modern definition of Autism came in 1943. Tylenol wasn’t widely used until the 1950s. Anyone trying to tell you that Tylenol causes Autism isn’t someone that should be taken seriously.

Me, sliding up next to you in the cantina on Tatooine: You know, technically it's not even a star. Really it should be called the Death Hypermatter Reactor.

Gal Godot implies the existence of Gal Guffman

Oh shit that guy on TikTok was right

Water fishing. You know. Instead of the other kind of fishing.

ME: a guy at work broke his jaw and has to eat all his meals through a straw WIFE: wow that sucks ME: i know what a straw does linda

i hope no one ever asked jeffrey dahmer to bring finger sandwiches to the company picnic.

Call your senators today. Tell them, "I love gambling." Then make some smooching noises. Then meow a couple times. Who knows what'll work with those clowns.

Trump Still Polling Well With Working-Class American Pedophiles

Hearing AI is 2 or 3 years from wiping out humanity put a little pep in my step this morning

You don’t have to understand the wiring to feel the current.

I feel like i must have been bitten by a radioactive old man

Quite with a gif you can hear

If you see this quote with a gif you can hear

Last night I used an immersion blender to make breadcrumbs. Worked surprisingly well, but use a bigger bowl than you think you need

The union representing the musicians from Jimmy Kimmel’s band releases a statement calling the FCC’s pressure on Disney “state censorship.”

A grim reminder: these people will never be satisfied. There’s no point at which they will say “we’ve won, let’s enjoy life.” They will always be looking for someone else to punish, to revile, to dehumanize. They’re empty without that.

Silly Jimmy Kimmel. He should have just called for all homeless people to be killed and he’d still have a job.

So what was it, about 8 months and change that comedy was legal?

For the record. My posts were not even about Kirk directly, but about America's apathy towards political violence, and the coddling of white male shooters and hate peddlers. I was fired because I mentioned race: white men and violence-- that was my "gross misconduct."

We're witnessing the most aggressive, fanatical crackdown on free speech in my lifetime. The speed and breadth of government censorship and private sector and nonprofit capitulation has been astonishing. As has the lack of urgency/silence from people who've long claimed to care about this stuff.

Don't live your life in such a way that after you're killed people who liked you get furious whenever anyone else quotes the words you said in life verbatim

Where is everyone getting these year-specific bingo cards?

I think they should make something like those javelin missiles ukranians have but the ordinance should be tar and feathers and they should seek cars & motorcycles with deliberately loud exhaust/bass that rattles the vehicle parts

DRAFTS NEXT PLEASE 🥹🙏🏼

A guy in a barrel and suspenders eating an avocado toast: Had to cut back on the luxuries

remember when they were like if you stop buying avocado toast you could afford to buy a house haha that was a fun time when we all could afford avocados and bread

Like how do you do that? I wanna do that. (Only sometimes though)

The real trick is if sometimes you don't.

Turns out this whole presidency was a psyop to make me think Rand Paul doesn't completely suck