too many stupid people have money; that's why I'm launching protein cigarettes

(petting a chihuahua) a day will come when you won’t quiero anymore

Say a few words from an old TV commercial that some of us will remember: “Clap on. Clap off.”

Say a few words from an old TV commercial that some of us will remember: "I'll paint any car for just $99.95"

"hottie with a body" implies the existence of other hotties, hotties beyond our mortal ken. hotties without form or substance

Your password must contain a character with a tragic backstory.

They suspended @cara.city for this!!! Dogshit website run by absolute babies. It is a Serious Violation to point out that the head of trust and safety’s pants fell down and everyone saw his little red ass and laughed

well well well if it isn't the same fuckery i didn't want to deal with yesterday i mean good morning or whatever

Sometimes I think of singles, like two-sided 45s, that ought to exist. SIDE A: "Waiting for My Man" by The Velvet Underground SIDE B: "Here Comes Your Man" by Pixies SIDE A: "Love Will Keep Us Together" by Captain & Tenille SIDE B: "Love Will Tear Us Apart" by Joy Division

kidz bop gregorian chants

It was the group of costumed Star Trek fans own fault that the bouncer didn't Let them into a night club after the sci-fi convention. You might say that they were hoisted by their own Picard.

who called it autistic and not “trainsgender”

the world is full of insane clown possibilities

I don't know how to express how gobsmacked I am with China's progress and dismayed with America's self-mutilation in a way that doesn't make me sound like I've gone total sinoboo online wumao CCP shill renting an apartment in this city with this train station is $700 a month

I lived thru the baja nuclear winter and all I got was this third testicle.

GM 🖤 Protect your whimsy, my friendos

I encourage everyone to show up to my funeral and make up any backstory they like.

Implies the existence of a Baja EMP

baja black rain

hotel mini bars are actually made for gnomes

ME: slow and steady wins the race WIFE: i asked you to do the dishes 3 days ago ME: slow and steady linda

My wife has been on the phone in front of an open container of delicious grilled chicken tacos for 45 minutes without taking a bite. I do not know this level of self control

It wasn't the baja blast that killed us, it was the baja radiation

You mean to tell me that the world's most dangerous hacking robot was hacked?

Ask not for whom the baja blasts; it blasts for thee

Sometimes the best silence is just noisy enough that nobody notices how quiet you are

Call your Congressperson and senators every day. Only say this: My name is ___ from _(town)_. Impeach and convict Donald Trump for high crimes and misdemeanors. If everyone who wanted it called every day it would start to mean something.

Tired: thank you for your attention to this matter Wired: praise be to Allah

For sale, one gun, never googly-eyed

After the White House complained about an unflattering photo of Karoline Leavitt, it was removed from AFP and Getty’s systems. This is the photo in question. Please do not repost it. 👇

This is a desperately important time for our country and our democracy. That’s why as governor of your state, I’m signing the Swing Your Partner Bill to bring back square dancing and make it compulsory in public schools.

Sally Jesse Raphael Leonardo Michelangelo Donatello

As a kid I never imagined I’d be richer than my dad, older than Batman, and smarter than the President.

Those dweebs counter-programmed the halftime show. Can we counterprogram the Whitehouse UFC with trump fighting zombie elvis?

If I ever had a DNA editing robot I’d probably name it Gene Hackman as a little joke.

Gonna need to go somewhere with no extradition treaty, that's for sure.

Today’s lesson really is that a lot of you are taking my shitposts way too seriously.

quack dealers

Mf literally asked if he could take elvis in a fight

yeah im bummed about sora. bummed i sora bunch of stupid fake videos

i guess those celebrating soras death didnt get the memo that some of us need daily personalized greetings from james bond—for mental health

I got blocked by like 30 people last night, and I can't tell you the amount of relief I feel to never have to deal with those people.

*holding up a dino nugget* you didn’t go extinct for nothing, pal

Got kicked out of the death cult for wearing too much glitter

But surely not above insinuating it. True class! Thanks for not engaging on substance!

We all know TGIF but have we considered OMGHIIOT - Oh my God how is it only Tuesday

the human body was not designed to know what the worst person in the world is doing every fifteen minutes

gm and happy #SquirrelSunday

For sale one reply guy, never understood.

Forrest gump was a good book, but my dad should not have handed it to me at age 10. The Jenny storyline is a lot darker than the film