Oddly, I’ve determined peope are dumb. Shhh… don’t tell anyone, though.

I don’t get reposted more because I’m too clever by 5/8.

Christmas morning as a parent is 5 minutes of kids opening gifts and 5 hours of trying to free toys from packaging designed by NASA.

Merry Chrietmas Sky Loves 🎄🎅🏼

It's all fun and games until she knows all your buttons.

Can I still rock out if I'm head to toe in corduroy

My spirit animal? It's somewhere over the rainbow. *Yes, the unicorn

My wife hates it when I call it "the little boys room" but also doesn't like it when I call it the "large man's room"???????

Every conservative on Twitter: "Elon Musk has all these leftists so TRIGGERED they had to go to their safe space on bluesky! You can hear them REEEing from here!" Everyone on Bluesky: "Jon Bon Jovi's full name is Jonathan Bonathan Jovi."

The only thing keeping me awake right now is my coworker’s snoring.

This week on a Very Special Cracker Barrel Gift Shop Christmas…

Loss can’t be fixed, only carried

*knocks on your skyline… “Is your Mom home?”

Bloke in his mid 40s casually walking round Durham in his dressing gown and slippers

Made cheesy loaded fries and mac and cheese. It’s a very cheesy day

Why the hell aren’t 100 million people following me already? I’m insane and hilarious!

doing whatever you want in your little corner of the internet is essential for the rest of us to learn what not to do

Stalker vibes are my least favorite vibes.

Whore for pizza

This.

Trying my patience before coffee is like a gift card. Never know how much I got left.

Maybe this is an echo chamber, if by echo chamber you mean a place we aren't chin deep in hate when all we really wanna do is just laugh at queef jokes for a sec.

Welcome to hell. Please take a leaf blower

Do you drink soup or eat soup? Which verb

Ordering boneless potato skins has never failed me

Just got your text from last night. Do you still need your Epipen

My wife and I are at the age where we wake up, drink coffee and just continuously clear our throats for 45 mins.

@flynnunbound.bsky.social hiiiiii

@leenmcbeans.bsky.social hiii bebe!

I’m such a private person, I don’t even tell myself what’s going on.

You can't lose your teeth from doing drugs, that's just a meth

Well, I finally trimmed my beard for the first time in six months. It would seem I pissed off a family of squirrels who are now homeless.

How dare you speak for yourself and not consider how I, a complete and total stranger to you, feel on the matter

Now that I'm scrolling through 2 different social networks I'll never get any work done

Don't say "I love you" to hear it back. Say It to make sure they know it and feel it.

Sleep is for the dreamers.

Don’t wait for bad stuff to happen, create the shitshow yourself.

I’m not lazy I’m dead inside, big difference.

I have a joke about Netflix, just hold on a sec… .

People just want this place to be like Twitter, you left there for a reason, I'd prefer kindness & realness

Me whispering into my kale salad after eating a few bites: you better make me look like Miss Universe you gross bowl of cabbage garbage

My dog name is Snarky.

What you heard: I have a hairy pussy What she said: I have a ✨magical lady poof✨