Not been well this week & have been thinking about my value as a disabled (autism+ADHD+PMDD) human & been comparing myself to others (never good). When I feel low I make miniature posies. I’ve been mocked for them before but they lift my mood-I hope this one lifts yours. Maybe a small life is ok…

My dog’s farts are prohibited by the Geneva Conventions

One day you're mildly amused, the next you're wielding an axe at Qdoba.

I’ll never forgot the day my ex got run over by a taxi. That was my last day as a taxi driver.

Midwestern sext: Ewe complete me

I like a little junk in the trunk. We’re talking about cars, right?

Everytime I try to get my life together a new Taqueria opens up.

Senile is something you can do if you are in Egypt

If you walk in on me and I'm slathered in mashed potatoes and gravy while devouring fried chicken, either ask for a breast and join me or just walk away.

I run on pizza and shame.

A hype man? In this economy?

Dr. Pepper didn’t have a medical degree. Will the lies ever end?

Home is where the shart is

Anyone else like to play “Find the alt”?

Hypocrites are my least favorite of all the crites.

Procreate implies the occurrence of Amaturecreate

Arnold Schwarzenegger no longer plays the role of the Terminator. Now he’s the Exterminator.

One day you're cool, the next you have a favorite spatula.

y’all are the worst improv troupe I’ve had the pleasure of being a part of

If someone ever suggests getting bedbugs allow me to say you should not get them

I will wait forever, but please don't take forever.

I used to be cool, but now just looking at gluten makes my tummy hurt.

The only alpha i know is my cat.

I run on Reeses cups and guilt.

It's scary that using your brain has become political

Caution: I cause weight loss level diarrhea

Existence has been 87% less funky without Prince.

[desperate for someone to play with my hair] can you check my head for lice

Send me all the noodles, but only you. NOBODY ELSE IS ALLOWED TO SEND ME NOODLES!!!

Anything can be a delicacy if you're hungry enough.

Don't follow me, I'm like if Five Below was a person.

Late night skeets are nocturnal admissions

I'll just leave it. It's my emotional support typo.

If you don't get my pop culture references, I feel bad for you, son. I've got 99 problems, but a Teen Witch ain't one.

I used to know a lot of y'alls real names, but that was many traumas ago.

The only thing preventing me from starting an OnlyFans is my body... and my face... and my personality

*opens app* *makes typo* *closes app* *throws phone* *burns down house*

No thank you, troll account. If I wanted to be roasted, I'd speak to my teen daughter.

Ah yes. The bare minimum. We meet again.

I kill aloe plants, but sure, I'll try off grid living

Our oldest just got engaged. Our youngest is graduating this week. Our middle child just put in his 2 weeks' notice on his 1 year anniversary before securing a new job.

One day you're a dreamer, the next you're hoping to get hit by a bus.

One day you're spirited and idealistic, the next you're lifeless and cynical.

A slow witted but fast man from the south who poops a lot would be called Forrest Dump.

Our eyes met from across the room and at that instant I knew in my heart that she wanted nothing to do with me.

A hard boiled egg is just a regular boiled egg that grew up in the wrong part of town.

Reminder: If you respond to my post without liking it…I don’t like your comment.

Look just because I’m charming, witty, and financially secure doesn’t mean…wait where was I going with this?

Ben Afflek My dog’s Movie farts 😳 Clear and Present Danger

Apart =/= a part Thanks for coming to my Ted Talk.