I’ve nicknamed my junk “Worcestershire”, because a little goes a long way.

It’s 9:30 am Saturday, March 22. In approximately 408 hours, @kristianw.bsky.social will be standing in front of me for the very first time. 407 of those hours will be spent asking my guys if this shirt makes my eyes pop. #ButWhosCounting

There are 3 rules for living a fulfilling life. I don’t know any of them.

Of course I’m multi-cultural. *dips my egg rolls in queso

Every work day, she texts me to let me know she’s home. I’m counting down the days until we can Ricky Ricardo this shit.

I don't mind looking like a fool for you

You had me at a fart skeet, but you lost your shit.

How old am I? I don’t know how much longer I can barricade myself from the archeologists.

Have I mentioned 26 DAYS?!?! @kristianw.bsky.social

Sitting on the toilet staring at the weather app on your phone is the new going outside.

I hope you all have at least one “Speaking of good poops…” moment this weekend.

Sorry I can’t come I’m eating cereal.

"You look familiar," as an insult

Family Planning: 1. Let someone else have children. 2. Sleep late. 3. Retire early. You're welcome.

Jesus could have turned that water into Baja Blast, but he didn’t because you masturbate.

I googled my symptoms and it appears I am just old.

When my dog freaked the fuck out after someone knocked on the door, I really felt that.

My prayer every day is to wake up with the rising sun and do whatever the fuck I want.

Welcome to your 40s You now require a 2 minute readjustment period after rubbing your eyes.

My 80 year old mother just asked, “How do I put a CD on my phone?” If you don’t hear from me again, please avenge my death and tell Kristian I love her.

Sometimes in the middle of posting and reposting, I ask myself “did a jogger just bounce off my windshield?”

🎼 Every kiss begins with K … 🎼 And every online relationship begins with “Hey”

I sexually identify as a gust of wind.

Not to brag, but I made it into the next edition of Girls Gone Bewildered.

Don’t ask me to explain myself. I have no idea either

When I was young I didn't think being older would involve so much anger.

I am very sick and everyone wants me to lie down, but DON’T THEY KNOW I CAN’T BREATHE LIKE THAT

they should invent feelings that don’t get hurt

live, laugh, shower lasagna

One day you're young, and the next... you're one day older.

Nothing makes me contemplate my life choices more than binge-watching a show at 3 am about organizing closets.

Been feeling a lot sexier since I realized that all my t-shirts are crotchless.

No one saves milk, you moron

Record stores are self-care.

So sweet I’m attracting ants.

Probe me like one of your French aliens.

I just transferred a 5lb bag of rice in to 2 freezer bags without spilling any grains. #NotAllHerosWearCapes

I am bipolar... so that pretty much means it's all fun & games... until it's fucking not.

No one likes the person you become when the meds wear off.

At my age the only threesome I'm interested in is two people pitching in to help me mow the lawn.

My advice is free of charge. It might not be the best advice, but it's free none the less.

It used to be that if you were crazy, they would force you into an asylum. Nowadays if you're crazy, they let you open social media accounts and even run for president.

I read that the average power nap is 20 minutes. That's perfect. I can fit three of them into an hour.

Last night I slept for almost 8 hours without interruption. I feel like I could take on the world… …after a nap.

Starting an OnlyClams where people can watch me eat mollusks.

In Canada, we’ll do dirty things for poutine but not for Putin

“Better to have love and lost than to have ever seen the Notebook.” …or something like that.