Solve for 𝑿: AI is to humanity as 𝑿 is to AI.

I've blocked so many robocalls and sms spammers over the past few years that I'm surprised there are any numbers left.

I've been waiting for #cincodemayo to roll out my mayo-infused cocktail.

Apparently a brood of flies hatched on my terrace - there are so many swarming in my apartment right now! Do you know how difficult it is to come up with 150 names at once!

first they unfollowed the funny people and I did nothing because I was not funny...

Artificial intelligence induces natural ignorance.

Otto Correct is a perv.

What a luxury it is to be in the U.S. right now. Iran is 6000 miles away - ah, to be safely at war!

My chef friend just revealed his secret ingredient! #cooking

After listening to survivors Katie Johnson and Sascha Riley, I get the sense that the mythical "trump pee tape" documents savage activity, and id far worse than the kinky name implies.

My shrink assures me that I don't need to doomscroll. "The doom will still be there whether you scroll it or not."

We brought it on ourselves. The chaos in this country is a direct consequence of Obama's tan suit. He ought to be ashamed of himself!

#FunFact: I used to be funny in the years before #⊥rump.

I have some silver. I'm terrified to see the price run up again $100 per ounce - my systems can only handle two-digit prices. My business will collapse without these systems. It's Y2K all over again. #Y2K!

Silver price experiencing explosive gains. Turns out that trump's shitting all over our democracy has a silver lining.

I have a pet hawk who comes by to roost on my air conditioner. I have to be extra quiet when he's around because he would fly away if he detected I was near. He doesn't know he's my pet.

I assume Machado just gave Trump the $1M that is part of the Nobel Peace Prize. #TrumpIsVulgar

We need a word for the anxiety that arises when you see compelling content on a screen, but avoid looking at it lest it flash away before you're done reading.

Trump purportedly cuts Machado out of future planning for Venezuela because she, not him, was awarded the Nobel Peace Prize. #TrumpIsVulgar

I'm being so productive! It's only 10am, and I've already completed my first nap!

From day one, the word that came to mind when I heard trump speak was 'vulgar'. I am surprised this word has not arisen in coverage of the vulgar things he says on a daily basis. #TrumpIsVulgar

I don't know why people are flabbergasted when Noem, Vance, and others associated with this administration tell blatant lies. That is obviously what is expected of them by their Liar-in-Chief boss.

My prediction: trump will declare that hosting United Nations Headquarters is not in the interest of the United States, and gives imminent deadline for them to vacate the premises. Works out immensely profitable deals for himself, his cronies, and connected real estate developers.

Congratulations, Donald, on acing another cognitive exam! You're so good at this, you should write a book!! [Produced without the use of A.I.]

Some day soon, an AI advocacy agent will file suit claiming that "I am not a robot" checks violate anti-discrimination laws.

I'm the proud holder of a Schrödinger's lottery ticket.

Wondering how long before trump moves to revoke the Pope's citizenship.

I wonder if Epstein's death in prison was an instance of "the dog barking".

It has been declared: the punishment for not producing the Epstein files is that the culprits will have to wear a scarlet hat.

Breaking: Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt assures journalists that the administration will release ALL the Epstein files it doesn't want to hide.

Fun fact: When Pope Gregory XIII introduced the Gregorian calendar in 1582, he dropped 10 days from the calendar. If not for that change, today would only be December 9! And that Is why we’re not releasing the Epstein files.

Trump and his lackeys salivate at the notion of invoking insurrection act on Thanksgiving Day.

I'm not one to make accurate predictions, but I still want to be on record. Theatrics notwithstanding, I can't imagine the Epstein files being released. Trump is too enmeshed with epstein for that to ever happen.

I wonder if Webster will make ehebephilia its word of the year.

I used to think that trump didn't have epstein killed.

The step-count reported on my phone is wildly inaccurate because it doesn't include all the steps I take at home each time I race around frantically looking for my misplaced phone.

The last decade was just a warmup. *Now* is when our politics really get ugly.

Little known fact: The Nobel committee takes pride in its sense of irony! THAT'S why I have yet to receive a Nobel Prize for my work on Procrastination.

Best. Rapture. Ever.

My improv teacher was trained as Buddhist monk. He always insists: first pun, best pun.

NYC is a brick oven. Riding the air conditioned subway is turning out to be the highlight of my day.

Employer: Tell me about a time you took a calculated risk. Me: Well, I sometimes use my phone to surf the web while in the bathtub.

"My glass is 3/8 full." - The Pragmatic Optimist

Your glass is half-empty. And it's dirty. #CataclysmicHoroscopeReader