Little known fact: The Nobel committee takes pride in its sense of irony! THAT'S why I have yet to receive a Nobel Prize for my work on Procrastination.

Best. Rapture. Ever.

My improv teacher was trained as Buddhist monk. He always insists: first pun, best pun.

NYC is a brick oven. Riding the air conditioned subway is turning out to be the highlight of my day.

Employer: Tell me about a time you took a calculated risk. Me: Well, I sometimes use my phone to surf the web while in the bathtub.

"My glass is 3/8 full." - The Pragmatic Optimist

Your glass is half-empty. And it's dirty. #CataclysmicHoroscopeReader

Reading AI-generated articles feels sleazy. And not in a good way.

Question Authority, Rhetorically

I meant literally figuratively.

Ancient lore is that an early mosquito bite portends a hot summer.

I'm writing an Americanized interpretation of the Legend of King Arthur. No sword stuck in a stone for me! In my work, the prophecy of who will rule the kingdom is tied to who can get the lid off a stuck jar.

I've been in a funk ever since I was passed up to be pope.

Darn conclave took just one day ... I had enough smokin' smoke skeets queued up to keep Bluesky entertained for months!

I just saw thick black smoke billowing out the windows of a nursing home! But then I remembered the protocol: black smoke means "there is no news". So I walked on. #Conclave

Oh no, I just came up with the best Cinco de Mayo post ever! I wonder if I can still post it. As I always say: "It's Cinco de Mayo somewhere."

Allergies? Down here we call 'em allerJESUS.

Springtime allergies: Death by a thousand sneezes.

Hay fever is nothing to sneeze at!

Impeach early and impeach often.

The proper way to greet someone at a funeral is 'good mourning'.

Spring in NYC

I'm not qualified to have imposter syndrome.

A friend summed up her astonishment about my allergy to tree pollen: "being allergic to pollen is like being allergic to life".

Breaking: Bluesky users thrilled they will finally have an opportunity to post all their clever new-pope tweets.

Different words that sound the same cause me anxiety! I am a homonymphobe.

I AM KILMAR #IAMKILMAR

The evil son, what does he say? "I am so *done* with #passover

My boss didn't accept my excuse of Zeno's Paradox as the reason that I'm running late this morning.

I'm like a pet sitter, but instead of caring for cats, I feed your sourdough starter and make your yogurt while you're away.

How long will it take my dishes to realize that I'm not going to step in to wash them every time they get dirty? #TakeResponsibility!

not to mention

It goes without saying

Grinding coffee with a rock like a caveman. #PowerOutage

My A.I. girlfriend dumped me.

Yes, we run a pretty tight ship... if by "tight ship" you mean "loose ship".

Designer of the menu at a shabu-shabu-style Chinese restaurant in NYC is evidently unaware that "k9" does not normally connote "beef".

Breaking: After thousands of years of doubt, god proves, once and for all, that he does not exist.

What a productive day! It's not even noon, and I've already charged my phone!

Growing up, I was told that water drains in opposite directions on opposite sides of the equator. When traveling in Ecuador, I observed the toilet water carefully! Sometimes it went clockwise, sometimes counter. I inadvertently punned when telling this to a friend: it’s a crap shoot [crap chute]!

I'm sick as a dog... but not nearly as cute.

Bejeweled City. Evening views from a walk across the Brooklyn Bridge. #NYC #Photography

OMG! This phone's been so great for checking my mail, browsing the web, posting and more... But I just discovered that it has a feature that lets me talk to other people!

I'm cautiously optimistic about the incoming administration. I'm at my best when I'm doom scrolling.

Fall Foliage. This ought to be rendered in stained glass! Taken in Tompkins Square Park #NYC #Photography

My life is not flesh and blood. Not water, not oxygen, not earth. My life is paper. The sum of my accomplishments and frustrations is the monumental pile in my living room, the monumental pile that yearns once more to be a tree.

"An enviable lunatic! One for whom a pebble has value must be surrounded by treasures wherever he goes." — Pär Lagerkvist, The Dwarf

Watching our democracy unravel is far less entertaining than I thought it would be.

Schadenfreude was a gourmet ice cream brand back in the 90s. Not too popular - people were happy to see them go out of business.

Steal this skeet. #StealThisSkeet