Wow, that joke flopped like your sweat

Feelings: the original malware.

My skin smells like sweet pineapple & honey melon. My hair smells like peach & grapefruit so ya, I am fruity

If the paper lady was going to call me & the cab driver a liar she should have made sure the video footage didn’t match our statements 🤡

The new hair is hair-ing

Oof. Say your friends don’t like you without saying your friends don’t like you. They didn’t reply to your bday invite for 7 years 🙃🤣😆🤡

Ex: you’re stupid Me: you’re proof

Checked my email. Won a free guilt trip

I think I woke my bestie up at 5am. Neither of us regret it 🥰

the early worm: fuck this

Wool socks on cuz I’m playing in water outside while it’s -1°C

Beautiful, brisk morning 🥰

a bucket list is setting a goal a fuck it list is letting it go

A comedy set but it’s just me doing the voices I’ve assigned to each of my cats

Walmart, McDonalds and Amazon are the largest employers of people who require SNAP assistance. The CEOs earned between 18-40 million last year, 1000x their median employee income. They took billions in profits, while their workers relied on SNAP to survive. Wanna fix fraud and abuse? Fix that.

we will not be mourning that warmongerer

Like my neighbours ex wife my ear infection has switched sides

Joke's on you, Dick Cheney has been dead inside for decades.

Like a street sweeping machine that gets all the leaves out of the gutter so the storm drains can drain… I’m having a regular coffee today

Now days you have to break the ice on a first date by telling the guy you aren’t looking for a roommate.

This one was a little “old” for trick or treating

7 trick or treaters This is lame af

If you’re too scared to look stupid, it’s too late.

So anyways 🤣

You are the ugliest man I’ve had misfortune of meeting. Inside & out 🫵🏼

Sean, you’re a predictable skeezebag. Of course you’d take a tweet to mean something completely different. Stalk all my social media so you have something to yap about. 👍🏼

Some of you are such early Gen X’ers you border on Boomerism

Might just fuck around and open accounts for each personality.

I just saw the worst Halloween costume ever

Be semi still my rapidly beating heart

I cannot express how much fun I’ve had making memories this season 🥰

I can’t eat them but they’re pretty to look at 😆

My favourite sport is watching my daughter intimidate men with her sports knowledge

Time has so much to say

I’m gonna need a nap before the game tonight and food.

Let’s Go BlueJays!

The double sneeze tried its best to take me out but I put my coffee down & refused to spill

Dinosaur with good teeth can be easily identified as a Flossiraptor

If I’m sitting in home run alley for the World Series game1, do I take my glove like a dork or bare ball it?

Halle-fuckin-lujah 🙌🏻

I say gross things. Things are gross. Get used to it.

What do you mean, you love me? You haven’t even yelled.

Finally home. Time to crash.

My kid watching Springer warm up right before they put her on the jumbotron 🥰

Welp. It’s “life-size reaper “on my neighbours porch season