The fact tequila helps when I get glutened is kinda fun

I’m not a size queen. I’m a sighs queen.

I should probably put socks on but we had a couple of days of warm weather so I can’t revert to winter mode now

You can always trust your gut. You can never trust a man ip u lator

Yes, I do take satisfaction in knowing I was right about everything.

Never be so great people won’t leave you alone when you try to leave 😌

Your post that began "Interestingly" shouldn't have.

If your friend with a drywall business offers to loan you a Blower just say no thank you. That bitch is gonna be full of dust

I already brushed my teeth so naturally I want popcorn

Thank god for boys who you bring you a shop vac when your basement is flooding 😮‍💨

Things my daughter sends me VS things my son sends me… vt.tiktok.com/ZSuqMxGn7/

Bring me back to the thrill of inside recess

I love the smell of bacon in the morning . . . and in the afternoon . . . and in the evening . . . and at midnight . . .

ellipses aren’t for everyone

Indeed

Use it today ☕

Wearing nothing but a lace veil and black fishnets to the sotu. I hope it's not too matchy-matchy

I grew up wishing my dad would go out for smokes & never come back Instead he sent me to the store with a note

on international women’s day we should be able to kick two men in the balls with no questions asked

I’ve remained sockless for the second day in a row Spring is here

Surprisingly awkward for being this good looking.

all my daylight saving jokes were in the hour we lost. rip.

2 camping trips, 4 Jays games & 2 Concerts upcoming. Excited for Spring & Summer to day the least. LFG!

Feeling the sunburn on my ass when I’m trying to sleep hits like a smacked bottom

My ass is already complaining about how long I worked out for today. Tomorrow it’ll be angrier. I knowingly didn’t stretch enough.

Crème brûlée is just snooty pudding

😉

Raptors/Knicks game tonight whoop whoop!

omg I noticed you didn’t like my cat pic, why do you hate my cat you monster

God damn, what the hell is in those files? The world is burning because of perverted old rich men

I just sighed so hard, I think I fractured a rib.

I miss you..... No, not you. You're a moron

You are all so hot. Except you. You're lukewarm

Gonna peroxide my hair and dye it with kool aid

I’m more excited about finding gluten free ramen noodles than I am about Auston Matthews coming back to Toronto

You are a whore, Your Honor

Until you go from a zero effort man to a real man you just don’t get it

This year is gonna be worse (better) than the last and that’s saying a lot

This made me so temped to get the “Brandi made me gay” t-shirt 🥰

My sequin pants ate so hard yesterday 😆

Chew chew goes the trolly

Dating a man who plays & coaches hockey & baseball has its perks 😇

Look Ma, no tiddies & my jokes still do better

Sometimes we just have to let people eat the wax on their BabyBel’s as part of natural selection

I wolfed down a chicken souvlaki and can feel it in the pita my stomach.