(having sex in the library) do me decimal system

Life is soooOoo fucking good 🥰

Imagine crying on the internet about an ex who doesn’t want you meanwhile you had a gf you lied about the whole time 😂

Songs that were never for you music.apple.com/ca/album/har...

Highly recommend using ChatGPT to break up with all of your boyfriend’s

Just found out a blue whale's rectum can stretch to 3.5 feet making it the 2nd largest asshole… next to my ex.

Got you a Dickie-Doo shirt cuz your gut sticks out farther than your Dickie do

This you

Why you so mad, Bro?

I was gonna sing your praises, but I can’t carry a tune.

The coolest first date idea used to be pulling off a bank heist, now it’s asking what they think of Trump and not getting a MAGA moron out of the deal

I like men who don’t wanna suck the swamp ass out of Trump’s diaper

*seductively hugging my knees and rocking back and forth in the corner*

Born to drown in the blood of bible salesmen.

Wanna skulk around a condemned mental hospital?

My answer to “Ever dated someone who was in Suits or 12 Monkeys?” had to be changed

I’ve never understood if the crows in Counting Crows were doing the counting or the ones being counted

Did Counting Crows ever give us a total number of crows

I gave up, but in a hot, mysterious way

The happiest person in the room on Monday is usually the one who forgot what day it is.

Oh this confused look. It's genetic.

I trusted science before it was cool

my wife likes to watch chinese soap operas dubbed with text to speech and got mad at me because i laughed when i heard "you're a scumbag slut" in the gps lady's voice

Watched Patrick Haye do a stand up set on Saturday night. At least he waited until the very end to make me Hayet it God doesn’t care if we think you’re funny Patrick

*the rhythm getting me* ah nuts

Beginning to think this is too much baby oil for a trip to TJ Maxx

What do you mean a first date where he’s funnier than the comedians you’re watching at YukYuk’s?

We now have a description of the asshole who turned the Lincoln Memorial Reflecting Pool into a toxic swamp of ass vomit.

What do you mean a first date where he holds doors for everyone but especially goes out of his way for moms with strollers & wagons?

What do you mean a first date where he sends you home in an Uber an hour away because he won’t let you ride a bus alone at 1am?

What do you mean a first date where you stay over, he takes you to breakfast then to a movie and back out to YukYuk’s that night.

What do you mean a first date where he takes you to the Zoo for the day, ships a stuffy of your fav animal overnight to you because the gift shop didn’t have any?

Some men hit different. Some with their hands & shitty words Some with their love & care

Hope all the active dads had an amazing Father’s Day and the ones that didn’t support their kids until they were adults have massive coronaries 🥰

Doctor just called. Good news: I’m not dying. Bad news: someone out there just tore up their vision board.

🎶 I know what real love is because the shittiest low life scumbag taught me what it ain’t 🎶

You should join your dad this Father’s Day 🥰

I used to have jokes but now I got no jokes, just you jokesters

treat me like a sock puppet and ram your fist right in my craft drawer to get some glue & put googly eyes on me

Door dashers flirt & ask people for their number IN the app chat ?!??! Ballsy af

My being right Anthem

I’m happy knowing I can fully trust my intuition because I was right all along.

Not only are assoles selling their Jays giveaway items online for insane prices they’re also selling spots in line to assholes who don’t want to wait in line themselves. Security is gonna be needed if I see this shit

If you push hard enough You either have a baby, take a shit or get some alone time

Have you tried putting gravy on it?

Her: How have you been? Me: Thinking about having asbestos for dinner tonight. You?

finally at the age where i can blame all my joint pain on the weather

Playing Rock, Paper, Scissors via text is harder than you’d think

Yes I’ll play Oregon Trail with you. I could use a case of Dysentery.