Sometimes you write the letter and send it instead of burning it.

I think it’s funny when people are like your kid is 18 they can be on their own. Have you seen the world? Nah, my kids will always have me.

Neither January nor February but a secret more catatonic third thing

If paying taxes involves stealing those little butter patties wrapped in foil at an early bird special count me in

We’ve secretly sewn Peter pan’s shadow to the groundhog’s feet this morning. Let’s see what happens

Happy 1st of second January to all who celebrate

Them: What’s bsky like? Me: It’s like if a butthole, a pizza, someone’s pets and depression walked into a bar

*seductively recedes into the nothingness

Had an afternoon date, it went well & now idk which man I like more. How do people do this? I haven’t had a real date with a genuine man in at least 9 years so both these fellas being awesome is a nice surprise

Some lyrics people relate to are maddening because what do you mean you didn’t mean to hurt me, you knew you were & you chose to keep doing it

take some vitamin D you sun deficient piece of shit

I have a feeling that just because the calendar says February has fewer days that it's not going to feel like it does.

Spending $8k on Vet visits from Jan-Feb wasn’t on my Bingo card for this year but I’d do anything for my sweet bb girl

It’s super sad in a pathetic way when people say “OMG” when you speak the truth about them 👀

Saw a troll with black hair while I was out, Ew.

One date down, 2 more tomorrow. There aren’t enough days in a weekend.

Asked out on 3 dates this weekend and my immune system said “hell no, we’re sick”

Even a full body hydrocolloid patch can’t get all the gunk out of Trump

Redoing my resume in all emojis in an attempt to stay relevant

I made cod for dinner. Smells like your mom in here.

One time a man put my dildo in his mouth to see if he could handle a dick. We both knew he could without that test.

I got a burnt corn chip in my bag of Costco Dippers and now I can’t trust anything

All this hate is because I picked out all of the grape ones from the Welch’s Fruit Snacks

All that’s needed to stop I.C.E is Zambonis in the streets

Dating prerequisite: must have teeth

Picking up the boys Silverado on Monday. Watching him get his dream truck is pretty nifty

You’ll survive, but you’ll be funnier in a way that worries people

Sometimes you just need to lose your shit

Netflix and every soldier & government official refuse to carry out his orders?

Got a new drivers license photo done today, should be fun. I purposely scowled cuz they only said I couldn’t smile.

I got the best surprise visit today ☺️ Now I get to hang out with my oldest 2 kids tonight. Gonna snuggle in, watch some movies & eat some snacky snacks

Merry Christmas indeed ☺️🥰

I remember when everyone's mum started using margarine in the 80s.

You put the ic in rhetoric

Being in charge of me is exhausting.

For the love of God, will someone just take Trump to Sherwin-Williams and get him a proper colour match?

I'M WHAT WILLIS WAS TALKIN' 'BOUT. Thought you should know 🤷‍♀️

My great aunt haunting me but just because she had one last gift for me 🥺

All my years complaining about the lack of SnapBack hats has finally paid off

Watched an NHL game on TV while I was at an OHL game *adds great at multitasking to resume

I was today years old when I found out if a dog has a bite record & they’re being put down their head is removed and sent for testing. How fucking awful 😣

"No thanks. My standards are low, but they're not that low." - me before masturbating

when you get all cozy then realize your snacks are way over there..

“Something is scratching its way out Something you want to forget about” 🎶

Gonna watch Sweet November and no one can tell me I can’t