I miss my 50-year streak of not knowing who the Secretary of Health is or anything about them.

I talk a lot of shit for someone who is routinely startled by the sound of my freezer making ice

Had a bit of engine trouble on the first ride of the season

I'm just leaving the rapture decorations up for the next one.

Hasbro is updating Monopoly by eliminating the luxury tax, charging astronomical rents, and waiving jail time for rich people.

I got bitten by a radioactive HOA president and now I want an Escalade

I know antifa isn't a real organization because I don't get 40 texts a week from them asking for donations.

What the ever loving fuck is this? I have an Amazon Prime account and pay the premium for the “NO ADS” option - and I get this message before viewing a 25 year old movie.

Watching Farm Aid livestream on YouTube and it’s been over an hour since the last performer played. WTF?

Not owned by Disney.

I might mess around and pronounce the P in raspberry all day today.

i accidentally got waffle batter over my toys and became the first person ever to eggo my leggo

Don’t take my friend’s board game collection, they’re all he Hasbro.

Teeth so tight my Flaus™️ experienced unscheduled rapid disassembly.

you’re telling me this west is mid?

What’s with John C. Reilly now SINGING with everybody? Is he the new Tony Bennett?

I’m always losing things like my car keys and that lovin’ feelin’.

We already know more about Tyler Robinson’s family than we do about the kid who shot at Trump.

things haven’t been amazeballs in quite sometime

I’m saving my suspension-worthy stuff for the big one

It’s telling which shooting victims The Felon sends prayers to and those he doesn’t.

if banana were spelled like mississippi it would be bannannanna

your grandma only collected porcelain cherubs because funkos didn't exist yet. you are the same

My day just got easier. #EasyAM66 @programme4.tv @rachellichtman.bsky.social

I once slapped the band-aid off Nelly’s face.

A doctor I trust more than RFK, Jr.

When you like my post 🤎

you're gonna take heavens all the way down to betsy and turn right

*sitting bolt upright at 3am* Shamrock Shakeweight

Thinking about becoming one of those guys who say “this is no bueno.”

Brilliant

When this nightmare is over I hope this evil woman will be cold irons bound.

The fact that the never ending pasta bowl is back at Olive Garden means that it ended at some point.

My Dad struggled to put food on the table because he lacked good depth perception.

I came across some photos of me looking pretty good at my old rabbit farm. Of course, that was when I had hare.

Pay your taxes through the power of prayer.

Stupid school shooting preempted coverage of Taylor & Travis’ engagement.

when this is all over, villains are going to be so easy to design

Ancient Egyptians walked like that to avoid treading on their darn cats.

how are you supposed to know if your depression meds are working these days?

If you ask me what’s the best part of being retired I’d honestly have to say no more work emails.

@criterionchannl.bsky.social Is there a reason why Kurosawa’s “High and Low” on your channel has no audio?

We could use a Dark Brandon now.

Clicking the “unsubscribe” link is about as effective as hitting the “close door” button on the elevator.

this seems a bit unfair

Ima hold out for Anthology 5.

To save time, just go ahead and have your paycheck direct-deposited to some billionaires bank account.

“my labubu wears lululemon” is sentence that should not be possible but here we are

steel wool is robot pubes