It’s really telling that the halftime show’s message of love and unity is being interpreted by the right as somehow subversive.

The punters should be getting paid overtime today. #superbowl

I love it when people cancel plans with me so I can both bemoan my abandonment and not have to go out at the same time.

The last century saw the rise of one-name artists (Cher, Madonna, Prince). I predict a change 100 years from now in which their names will be entire sentences.

when you’re exhausted and a 5-year-old wants to show you his new monster trucks

Every missing person deserves the level of attention Savannah’s mom is getting.

Little known fact: Even if you haven't been arrested, you still have the right to remain silent.

{Kool-Aid man winning a championship game and pouring himself all over his coach}

Love wearing an entire load of laundry at once.

Whoever named the boll weevil should’ve been allowed to name more things.

Do bears fight for their right to human arms

Shitpost (based on the novel Push by Sapphire)

The Shitposts of Madison County

Rosemary’s Shitpost

A Hard Day’s Shitpost

The Purple Shitpost of Cairo

The Shitpost Who Shot Liberty Valance

12 Years a Shitpost

Thanks to RFK Jr still no vaccine for Grammy Fever.

tiramisu is called tirawesu if you share it

Who up sixing they seven?

Those who cringe at the word moist may wish to join the wetness protection program.

Just like they said I would, I ignored all the perforations and dotted lines and a perfectly functional open here it's easy and resealable so I could look ripped in package's eyes

There’s a dead fish at the bottom of my Roku fish tank. ☹️

I had two of my ribs removed surgically, so I can hang my head lower in shame.

A comb makes an excellent parting gift

They should put Mickey Mouse hands on the doomsday clock to give the end of the world some much-needed whimsy

a traffic light red so long you feel older and wiser when it turns green again

Somehow, listening to Rammstein wasn’t the peaceful distraction I was looking for.

I was already liking Geese on SNL but the drummer’s Zappa T-shirt made me love them.

I'm running out of room for another "I told you so" tattoo.

Yankee Doodoo Dandy

sure we’re all spiritual beings but we still have to poop

not many know this but labubu is spanish for the bubu

you never hear about someone getting combobulated

Tupperware is great for when you want to throw your food out on a different day . . .

this is having the opposite intended effect

Monday Mood

Bogart: Why didn’t you get a job? Trevor: They don’t grow on trees.. Bogart: Why didn’t you starve first?! Dead End (1937) is such a tough movie.

Has any other American President ever used a stand-in for the First Lady?

I’m so old I remember when in front of your passenger and driver’s side windows there used to be separate little triangular windows with little cranks to open & close them. They were considered “vents”.

it’s just been me and dad since calgon took mom in ‘86

Ruin a band by changing one letter Blood, Sweat, & Teats

What's the situation on the ground? There's some bugs. Dirt. Pretty much what you'd expect.

He's going to award himself a Purple Heart for bone spurs

I wish I could get three of my friends to wear the same outfit and get the same haircut as me like 60's bands.

New Year’s resolved to use up all my spices before they expired, and now I’m in a race against thyme.

Not to brag but I can now carry $250 worth of groceries into the house with one hand.

CNN graphics put the asterisk in the wrong place, it appears…

It was wrong to punch the old man, but nobody calls me a whippersnapper.