a tribe called ? and the mysterians

Happy “Last Time I Watch CBS Day” to those who celebrate.

i gave mine a little hat

My wife and I couldn't have pets so our children are our cats.

Cleanliness is next to godliness because of how you’re committing wholesale slaughter of microbes.

Your iPhone screen proves you greasy as fuck.

Invert a band System of an Up

a yawn is when your soul is trying to silent scream its way out of your body

Some posts are like soap bubbles floating in sunlight: insubstantial, inconsequential - but creating their own fleeting rainbows.

RIP Claudine. Now reunited with Andy & Spider up in hebbin

Waymo implies the existence of Waylarry and Waycurly

I was trying to sleep, but then I remembered something embarrassing from 2008

Oscillating fans are great if you only want to be comfortable a third of the time

I wanna be as useless as the Door Close button in an elevator

“So Funny I Forgot To Laugh” with Byron Allen.

The need to invent a cat that only pukes on hard floors.

After some heavy drinking in a bar, I took a bus home. It may not seem a big deal, but I've never driven a bus before.

Heard something fall behind the bed and thought, “I hope I never need that again.”

A Yes cover band called Yep

“Birdshit Guitar”

han solo had to express chewbacca's anal glands monthly

My manifesto is just Frank Zappa albums ranked.

Ohh to be pursued as passionately as a CVS trying to make you pick up a prescription

No ballroom for trump, give him some thoughts and prayers and a bulletproof backpack. That's what schoolchildren get.

Sorry your boyfriend thinks cunnilingus was a Roman emperor.

if Kash Patel even blinks once, he dies

Writing a cookbook using a nomnom de plume.

I switched my carrier to Mr. T-Mobile. Now I get unlimited pity.

respect to turtles for not being noisy

WHY IS THE PACKAGING SO FUCKING STRESSFUL TO GET INTO THE WEED GUMMIES

To potatoes, being “hot” means nobody wants you.

Eating my weight in weight-loss gelatin.

also, chuck e cheese is disgusting they’re like if hep c became a children’s casino

Ronald McDonald has never once denounced terrorism

Who wants to live in a world where nobody understands Fonzie references?

It wasn’t a picture of me as Jesus it was a picture of me as a doctor because I help a lot of people.

I'm writing my own eulogy because I don't want my family to say I was a control freak.

The Kool-Aid Man is a creature made of glass and water yet he can break through a brick wall. He is an abomination and we must stop him at all cost.

[trying to sleep] brain: but what about the paint color Teal Sedaka

return of the Jedi is not possible without the receipt of the Jedi

how much money does the marine corps lose

Imagine being made from the contents of supernovae that happened billions of years ago but you have to join a Teams call?

Thinking about how my parents lived long enough to see bridge tolls go to $2.00

The Man Who Shot Biberty Valance?

Will I understand Slaughterhouse 5 if I haven't seen the first 4?

You lost me at “swelling between the anus and genitals that may be fatal.”