When will my husband return from the war on Christmas

The Bari Weiss town halls will continue until morale improves.

have your emergency contact call my emergency contact

We ask for 2nd strike video and they release Luigi arrest video.

It’s my new knee’s first Christmas.

Take 14 minutes of your day or night and hear why Bach matters. (Music starts at the 5:09 mark)

Rumor has it that Rudolph never gave permission for a movie to be made of his life.

It's that time of year

Happy Zappadan to all who celebrate.

You haven’t met your deductible, Charlie Brown

If I have to boycott every evil media conglomerate, how am I gonna watch my stories

the tension between my juicer and these oranges is pulpable

I am going to assert myself more strongly if it's okay with you guys.

hawk the herald angels tuah

It takes a big man to admit that he’s wrong. It takes a small man to squeeze through the dog door

You don't know me but I'm the guy who puts two scoops of raisins into every box of raisin bran

All outta fucks to give on this #givingtuesday

Jay-eff-see

ripleys believe it or else

I want Iggy Pop to marry mezzo-soprano Anne Sofie von Otter so her name would be Anne Sofie von Otter-Pop.

Trimmed the dog’s beard and eyebrows and someone’s just asked him for an oat latte.

Today’s plan:

Love when some guy in a metal band confesses his love for Danny Kaye or some shit

Never met a Davante who didn’t play in the NFL.

He is risen

Now that we’ve abolished the penny, can we at last ban gas stations pricing gas to 9/10s of a cent?

Carpenters are only in it for them shelves.

So is there a class action yet against streamers sneaking ads onto accounts paying extra for the no ads option?

Roller derby implies the existence of roller nottingham

How many zombies would rob zombie rob if rob zombie could rob zombies

Not enough songs focus on blowing through the jasmine in my mind.

apostrophe is short for a piece of shit trophy

🎶Keep it 100 on the land, the sea…

That reminds me of a Kurt Vonnegut joke. Q: What's the white stuff in bird poop? A: That's bird poop, too

You're so dead, you probably think this obituary is about you.

Cantata implies the existence of cannottata.

I’ll admit it took me 50 years to notice the giant butthole on the famous Pioneer Plaque.

mooed swings

I think they have to take 100% off or it won’t work

Nevermore

The contest is on!

Kinda nervous about household smart devices. What if the bathroom scale tells the fridge to lock me out?

If you tell little white lies such as the turkey is moist, the stuffing tastes great, and that's the best pie you ever had, that's called Thanksfibbing.

Shoutout to the class clown who in 1975 elevated the word DUH to the more refined DOY

whats a Warby Parker, anyway. sounds like moby's real name

A neighbor just accused my dog of chasing a kid on a bike. Which is impossible because my dog can’t ride a bike.

I kiss my biceps after each skeet

your last saved meme is your moral philosophy