cop: license & registration, sir magician: check this out *levitates license* cop: i see. your license is suspended. check THIS out *$75 ticket*

Declaring war on a country for not winning the Nobel is not very peace-y.

Micro Peen Mike is as shady af🤮

Real estate investors now own about 20% of single-family homes in the country. A big reason why home prices have skyrocketed in recent years is a lack of supply — and investors sinking their teeth into whatever is left on the market is making the problem even worse.

You know that feeling when your alarm goes off, and all you want to do is pull the door back over your tomb and sleep for a couple hundred years?

Get in loser we’re going to funky-town as soon as you breathe into this tube so my car will start

Bluesky taught me the joy of blocking. I block people everywhere now. I just blocked an ex boyfriend on duolingo. I can't stop.

If you see this, I invite you to post a picture from whatever device you're using without explanation.

A haunted house but it’s just someone saying “Let’s go around the room and share one fun fact about ourselves.”

Lars von Trier’s Forrest Gump

[abruptly stops playing my air banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME?

Devising food strategy like our ancestors diagramming the hunt on the walls of the cave, but it's me comparing availability and prices on the apps as I draw up the grocery list.

I stare, transfixed by what appears to be a portal into another world in the back of this old armoire. I'm overcome by dread as I imagine what might await on the other side and then I begin planning the supplies that my young children will need when I send them through.

my current road rage phrase is "by all means"

Me: [*perfecting invisibility on social media*] “GODDAMMIT”

@sarahlongwell25.bsky.social and I start with this clip of me from 2024 on Jimmy Kimmel Live and we talk about how Trump told us for years what he was going to do to the country now.

THESE PAGAN LIBTARD WAR DANCES CAN ONLY PRESAGE CALAMITY!! MEIN LEADER PRÄSIDENT TRUMP, HERR REICHSCOUCHVUCKER VON VANCE, HERR VERRÜCKTPSYCHO STEPHANMÜLLER, DER VOLK DEMAND YOU DEPLOY DIE PANZERBRIGADEN NOW!!! Vielen Damk für your attention to this matter

Do you think James Bond ever just sits around watching football?

My mind is free, but my body is $50 an hour.

You should be legally obliged to have the same avi and/or handle across all social media apps.

I guess if everything falls apart, I can always shitpost at Costco.

the sexual tension between my spaghetti and meatballs tho

La Grenouille (1908) Directed by Segundo de Chomón

Share this widely. This is the kind of thing that changes public opinion quickly.

It's a sign:

Right back atchya 💋

I've been given bad advice about this. Here's the straight poop.

Cool 😎 stuff from Texas

I sometimes only like your posts because I want to keep them just between us.

Happy belated 40th incidentally to Half Man Half Biscuit’s Back in the DHSS, and who could have imagined then how much better they were going to get.

[Insert Charlie Brown had hoes meme]

I got commissioned to write an erotic choose your own adventure which was ridiculous fun

[Paul Hollywood] please present your art masterpiece themed show stopper Silently weeping, I step forward, dressed in a black hooded shroud, and place a six foot long, liver and licorice Guernica on the table

Love means having vicarious road rage when you’re riding shotgun

*brings updated terms and conditions to a knife fight*

“That there’s a damn shame, Bill. Yeah, no, sorry, I didn’t see anything. I was visiting my sister’s tree over on Morgan. I’ll ask around and let you know if I hear something, though. Geez, what a world, am I right? Anyway, your homeowners policy should cover it, no?”

Today is a day when arts degrees are worthless, but the product of those degrees is so valuable it would kill an entire industry if they were made to pay for it.

Your grasp of reality seems tenuous, followed.

Whenever you feel alone remember that there are a lot of people in your life that can barely tolerate you but they do anyway

It's sad how people expect change without actually changing anything. It's me, I'm people.

Arts degrees are only “worthless” because tech cunts revalued the highly desirable product of freelance artists at close to zero, cos it made running the digital supply pipes look cheaper on the spreadsheets. Pay properly for the arts, and see how worthless artists are.

Here's a useful graphic. Thanks to whoever made it. Now we have one for every day of the year. #TrumpsHealthcareShutdown #USDemocracy #Voices4Victory

Thanks, love 🫶 Me, illustration

Happy #SocialistSunday to those who observe

Sex and the Vatican City