her: did you schedule your colonoscopy yet? me: with these tariffs?

When the IT guy takes over my computer remotely

I have a horrible cold and that qualifies as good news in 2025

gimme yule gimme fire don me now with gay attire

My brain and my back can't possibly be the same age

Sometimes when dogs sniff me I am absolutely convinced they're weighing how much flesh they'd have to chew to get to my bones but I'm still like aww what a good puppy

optimus prime: did she just wink at me? me: i think she’s turning left

just repeating the phrase "hawk tuah girl meme coin" over and over until my brain is as smooth as a polished stone

Pleading insanity in small claims court.

accidentally cut some dude off in traffic and he told me to suck his dick but i probably won’t tbh

When my parents said they were going to key parties I imagined a bunch of nerdy antique key collectors showing off their prized items to each other. Turns out that was pretty close.

I drank too much Smart Water and now I can hear math.

[to the assassin] omg do me next

My mom answers the phone like she's in the middle of defusing a bomb

Probably not a great sign for your industry when a lot of people are rooting for your murderer

I only need to lose 30 pounds by the end of the year to hit my resolution to lose 20 pounds

I am here to make friends with other Cybertruck haters

God I love institutionalized gluttony

my family has decided on our rap group names. the kids are lil handsoap and lil plunger, and apparently I'm big wet wipe

the rule is whoever kills the turkey becomes the next turkey like in the santa clause

Everyone at Thanksgiving dinner seems wary after my 29 bud lights but I haven't even started on social issues issues yet

"Is good hotel." - Putin, on The Ritz

I said this shirt is pajamas. P-A-J-A-M-A-S

Once a year turkeys catch the stray. Chickens, cows and pigs be like “now you see why we trippin” Potatoes never get a break.

God I love institutionalized gluttony

oh man i am so full of thank right now

Petco, where the pets go to smoke cigarettes and talk shit about us

Hope you remembered to grow out your gravy nail.

A Hallmark movie where their hands meet inside the turkey.

*filling grandma's IV with gravy*

If a bear attacks you, stay calm. Try to see the situation from their point of view

We're going around the table and everybody say your least favorite disease the pilgrims gave the natives

i better not catch any of you non-americans being thankful out there today.

It's always give give give, so fuck it, I'm Thankstaking today

Want to stop guests from coming over? Serve nothing but La Croix. They won’t return.

CHUCK D: on stage, rapping calmly FLAVOR FLAV:

ME: do you like boxing SCHRÖDINGER: oh hell yeah

Netflix buffering like it's trying to download porn in 1998

MAKE KID ROCK SECRETARY OF BAWITDABA YOU COWARDS

his mother must be terribly disappointed

I need to become a boxer. I mean, I hate fighting but love wearing shorts with superfluous fringe

Shouldn't it be called won't power? I have no problem willing myself to eat all this cake

"Don't Stop Me Now" by Queen is my favorite song about all you can eat shrimp at Sizzler

I only need to lose 30 pounds by the end of the year to hit my resolution to lose 20 pounds

Can't, seeing what else I can nog

excited to switch from seasonal depression to festive holiday anxiety

It wasn’t until I misspelled acedemic that I realized the system had failed me

How 👏🏻 da fuck 👏🏻 you gonna 👏🏻 walk 👏🏻 around in 👏🏻 a dead 👏🏻 bitches👏🏻 shoes??👏🏻👏🏻 -Me, Watching Wizzard of Oz