JB4Realz
@jb4realz.bsky.social
📤 2398
📥 196
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100% Certified Banger Content Just JB4Realz:
https://shorturl.at/AneUj
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Cop: You threw this out the window before stopping. Me: Oh no! My drugs! Cop: This is Season 1 of Fraggle Rock on DVD… Me: *gets jittery*
11 months ago
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Swim Jeans 👖
12 days ago
[convenient hand signals to use with your friends at a loud club] ✌️ = two more vomit bags 🤏 = pinch my left moob 🤙 = call your mom for me 🤜 = I’m leaving with a proctologist 🤌 = let’s do gabagool in the bathroom
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Swim Jeans 👖
18 days ago
My slutty Ron Howard costume is coming along nicely
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Papazilla667
6 months ago
After you sneeze, Devil worshippers be like, "Possess you."
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Grant Tanaka
about 1 month ago
My Boss: [patiently explaining something to me] My Brain: YOU TAKE THE GOOD YOU TAKE THE BAD YOU TAKE THEM BOTH & THERE YOU HAVE THE FACTS OF LIFE
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ceej
about 2 months ago
a millionaire? I’ve got two toilets in my house, man. what more could you want
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JB4Realz
about 2 months ago
my bf, Gerry Mander, has a problem with boundaries . folks,,
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ceej
about 2 months ago
MULDER: I’m telling you boss, it’s real, and we have the proof. SCULLY: I can’t believe I’m saying this, but Mulder is telling the truth: we have captured Bigfoot. He’s in the lab right now. KASH PATEL: Is it woke? SCULLY: Director, I don’t — PATEL: Can we say it’s woke? That we caught Woke Bigfoot?
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bully: i'm about to give you a taste of your own medicine. me: way ahead of ya, buddy... *pops a bunch of flintstones vitamins with the wilmas taken out*
3 months ago
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good computer programmer 👇 c colon slash ☝️ bad proctologist
11 months ago
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Theciscokidder
about 2 months ago
"Maybe a little jail time will straighten you out," I grumble as I strap on a knee brace.
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[Medic Alert Bracelet] JUST LET ME SLEEP
3 months ago
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date: i love a man who is still in touch with his inner child. me: *pulls out a jar with all of my baby teeth*
3 months ago
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*wakes up hogtied in the trunk of a car* *goes back to sleep*
11 months ago
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bully: i'm about to give you a taste of your own medicine. me: way ahead of ya, buddy... *pops a bunch of flintstones vitamins with the wilmas taken out*
3 months ago
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interviewer: it says here you're terrible at keeping secrets. me: *letting an actual cat out of an actual bag* it says what now?
3 months ago
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date: i love a man who is still in touch with his inner child. me: *pulls out a jar with all of my baby teeth*
3 months ago
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JB4Realz
Papazilla667
7 months ago
Her: Trim your beard! Him: You'd rather I have a bear?
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Papazilla667
6 months ago
Her: You're sure to get awards for Most Ostentatious Costume and Most Adorned Costume. Him: I seek wins with this sequence of sequins!
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JB4Realz
Kelly Knox
3 months ago
a murder of crows has probable caws
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JB4Realz
welcome back to invisibility class. it's pretty disappointing to see so many of you here.
11 months ago
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JB4Realz
i hold the febreze bottle sideways when i want to freshen up the place like a gangsta.
10 months ago
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JB4Realz
my grandfather would be rolling in his grave if we got him the casket he asked for.
10 months ago
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me: watch this... *places chameleon on my penis* her: what the fuck? chameleon *struggling not to change colors*: yeah, what the actual fuck?
9 months ago
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JB4Realz
Papazilla667
7 months ago
Her: *watching a show that bleeps out cuss words* Him: *hears a bleep* Oooh, someone cussed. Her: Yeah, I got a bleeper for you, too. Him: Lmao, the bleep you did...what the bleep...bleep...oh, this BLEEPin sucks!
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Ygrene (scary)
7 months ago
hey dentist office that is in an old house: no thank you
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Papazilla667
7 months ago
*trying to sneeze quietly because you feel you've been blessed enough*
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Papazilla667
7 months ago
If I ever meet God, I'm going to sneeze, just to see what He says. Uh...I bless you, I guess. IDK, usually others do this for me.
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Papazilla667
7 months ago
Me, as a doctor: *charging defib paddles to play "Welcome to the Jungle"* Other doctors in the room: Me: What, the patient has a GNR order!
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welcome to house hunters. brenda sells novelty keychains on etsy and keith shoots birds at the airport. they have a budget of $475,000.
11 months ago
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Frovostein
7 months ago
[inventing fish] GOD: make them so they can’t sit ANGEL: but- GOD: no butts
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Papazilla667
8 months ago
Him: Instead of a 3-hour nap, I will just take three 90-minute naps. Her: Won't you nap longe-ooooh, that's a good plan!
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Papazilla667
8 months ago
Her: *DMing from another country* Hi there! Me: *in America* You gotta be high to be here.
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JB4Realz
Cop: You threw this out the window before stopping. Me: Oh no! My drugs! Cop: This is Season 1 of Fraggle Rock on DVD… Me: *gets jittery*
11 months ago
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JB4Realz
THE Burger King
9 months ago
[mixing whipped eggs with chopped eggs] Me: Salad!
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JB4Realz
THE Burger King
9 months ago
The AKC just called to inform me that I have been moved to the non-sporting group.
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JB4Realz
THE Burger King
9 months ago
[God creating the iron fence] God: LOOK WHAT I HATH WROUGHT!
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JB4Realz
Rob Cee
9 months ago
Cornhole happens to be my favorite game that is also a euphemism for sodomy and is therefore against the wishes of god.
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Papazilla667
9 months ago
Pro is good and con is bad, so they should rename the Constitution to Prostitutio-oh, never mind.
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Papazilla667
9 months ago
[Discussing "final" plans] Her: Wake after your funeral? Him: Nah, just let me fuckin sleep.
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Greg Reckons
9 months ago
Her: What scent are you wearing? Me: IcyHot and depression.
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Papazilla667
9 months ago
Buy some mice? In this eekonomy?
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Papazilla667
9 months ago
My superpower is being a doofus, and my wife's superpower is reminding me that doofuses deserve love, too. So, to all you other doofuses out there, STAY AWAY FROM MY WIFE.
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JB4Realz
THE Burger King
9 months ago
And the boys all lived happily ever back in town.
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JB4Realz
Papazilla667
9 months ago
Normalize bringing a tiny spatula to Mexican restaurants to scrape leftover queso into your to-go box.
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JB4Realz
Kalvin the Reindeer
9 months ago
I absolutely love going to the mall, I say loudly before stepping into my first Sarcastics Anonymous meeting.
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me: watch this... *places chameleon on my penis* her: what the fuck? chameleon *struggling not to change colors*: yeah, what the actual fuck?
9 months ago
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JB4Realz
giant sized bag of candy: i'm resealable me: that won't be necessary
11 months ago
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JB4Realz
The Ramshackle Zoo
11 months ago
Welcome to The Ramshackle Zoo. 27 years... Zero American Zoological Association accreditation.
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