[convenient hand signals to use with your friends at a loud club] ✌️ = two more vomit bags 🤏 = pinch my left moob 🤙 = call your mom for me 🤜 = I’m leaving with a proctologist 🤌 = let’s do gabagool in the bathroom

My slutty Ron Howard costume is coming along nicely

After you sneeze, Devil worshippers be like, "Possess you."

My Boss: [patiently explaining something to me] My Brain: YOU TAKE THE GOOD YOU TAKE THE BAD YOU TAKE THEM BOTH & THERE YOU HAVE THE FACTS OF LIFE

a millionaire? I’ve got two toilets in my house, man. what more could you want

my bf, Gerry Mander, has a problem with boundaries . folks,,

MULDER: I’m telling you boss, it’s real, and we have the proof. SCULLY: I can’t believe I’m saying this, but Mulder is telling the truth: we have captured Bigfoot. He’s in the lab right now. KASH PATEL: Is it woke? SCULLY: Director, I don’t — PATEL: Can we say it’s woke? That we caught Woke Bigfoot?

bully: i'm about to give you a taste of your own medicine. me: way ahead of ya, buddy... *pops a bunch of flintstones vitamins with the wilmas taken out*

good computer programmer 👇 c colon slash ☝️ bad proctologist

"Maybe a little jail time will straighten you out," I grumble as I strap on a knee brace.

[Medic Alert Bracelet] ＪＵＳＴ ＬＥＴ ＭＥ ＳＬＥＥＰ

date: i love a man who is still in touch with his inner child. me: *pulls out a jar with all of my baby teeth*

*wakes up hogtied in the trunk of a car* *goes back to sleep*

bully: i'm about to give you a taste of your own medicine. me: way ahead of ya, buddy... *pops a bunch of flintstones vitamins with the wilmas taken out*

interviewer: it says here you're terrible at keeping secrets. me: *letting an actual cat out of an actual bag* it says what now?

date: i love a man who is still in touch with his inner child. me: *pulls out a jar with all of my baby teeth*

Her: Trim your beard! Him: You'd rather I have a bear?

Her: You're sure to get awards for Most Ostentatious Costume and Most Adorned Costume. Him: I seek wins with this sequence of sequins!

a murder of crows has probable caws

welcome back to invisibility class. it's pretty disappointing to see so many of you here.

i hold the febreze bottle sideways when i want to freshen up the place like a gangsta.

my grandfather would be rolling in his grave if we got him the casket he asked for.

me: watch this... *places chameleon on my penis* her: what the fuck? chameleon *struggling not to change colors*: yeah, what the actual fuck?

Her: *watching a show that bleeps out cuss words* Him: *hears a bleep* Oooh, someone cussed. Her: Yeah, I got a bleeper for you, too. Him: Lmao, the bleep you did...what the bleep...bleep...oh, this BLEEPin sucks!

hey dentist office that is in an old house: no thank you

*trying to sneeze quietly because you feel you've been blessed enough*

If I ever meet God, I'm going to sneeze, just to see what He says. Uh...I bless you, I guess. IDK, usually others do this for me.

Me, as a doctor: *charging defib paddles to play "Welcome to the Jungle"* Other doctors in the room: Me: What, the patient has a GNR order!

welcome to house hunters. brenda sells novelty keychains on etsy and keith shoots birds at the airport. they have a budget of $475,000.

[inventing fish] GOD: make them so they can’t sit ANGEL: but- GOD: no butts

Him: Instead of a 3-hour nap, I will just take three 90-minute naps. Her: Won't you nap longe-ooooh, that's a good plan!

Her: *DMing from another country* Hi there! Me: *in America* You gotta be high to be here.

Cop: You threw this out the window before stopping. Me: Oh no! My drugs! Cop: This is Season 1 of Fraggle Rock on DVD… Me: *gets jittery*

[mixing whipped eggs with chopped eggs] Me: Salad!

The AKC just called to inform me that I have been moved to the non-sporting group.

[God creating the iron fence] God: LOOK WHAT I HATH WROUGHT!

Cornhole happens to be my favorite game that is also a euphemism for sodomy and is therefore against the wishes of god.

Pro is good and con is bad, so they should rename the Constitution to Prostitutio-oh, never mind.

[Discussing "final" plans] Her: Wake after your funeral? Him: Nah, just let me fuckin sleep.

Her: What scent are you wearing? Me: IcyHot and depression.

Buy some mice? In this eekonomy?

My superpower is being a doofus, and my wife's superpower is reminding me that doofuses deserve love, too. So, to all you other doofuses out there, STAY AWAY FROM MY WIFE.

And the boys all lived happily ever back in town.

Normalize bringing a tiny spatula to Mexican restaurants to scrape leftover queso into your to-go box.

I absolutely love going to the mall, I say loudly before stepping into my first Sarcastics Anonymous meeting.

me: watch this... *places chameleon on my penis* her: what the fuck? chameleon *struggling not to change colors*: yeah, what the actual fuck?

giant sized bag of candy: i'm resealable me: that won't be necessary

Welcome to The Ramshackle Zoo. 27 years... Zero American Zoological Association accreditation.