There's an a in 'deaf' but you can't hear it.

When I find myself in times of trouble bob the grocer comes to me speaking words of wisdom ᴬᴵˢᴸᴱ ᵀᴴᴿᴱᴱ

"I have a problem with potion control." -fat wizard

GIRLFRIEND: So tell me something I don't already know about you. ME: During October I call my Dyson 'Count Vacula' HER: I need to see other people.

BREAKING: donald trump has died by quicksand. it got all in his hair and everything

*googles “beginner butt plugs” on your work computer*

A euphemist? 🏆👑 Congratulations @scottzilla667.bsky.social from @jollyrobber.bsky.social 🏴‍☠️

[trying to open a packet of hotdogs but I can't because I refuse to slow down on my run]

[Clown School] Teacher: Oh very well done..That nose..Those shoes..The suit..Hilarious Me: i just came to pick up my son

tai chi is short for taiwanese chicken

Do NOT practice your sweet yet overly-difficult broadsword moves near a playground. Kids are shit at triage

Got fired on my first day working at the drugstore for calling my new coworkers my pharmily.

after that ship’s botched launch, Kim Jong Un gave the crew a stern warning . trying to maintain an even keel, he then took a bow please don’t unfollow me i have a family😭

Me: You kids don't know how easy you've got it. When I was your age, we had to flip through drawers of cards to find out if the library even had the book we were looking for, regardless of whether it was checked out. Random kid at the pool: What's a book?

[1513 BC] kid: I don’t have to follow your stupid rules. it’s not like they’re written in stone Moses: what

who dis ?

[hearing police sirens in the distance] omg babe they're playing our song

fool me once, that is IT. i have a zero tolerance fool policy you son of a bitch

DETECTIVE: we need to figure out who committed this murder DEFLECTIVE: I think you did it

[after a truck with a “do not follow” sign pulls in front of me] OH NO

Wanking Beauty

The Little Wankmaid

[whenever I see two otters] I wonder if they're brotters

i once got lost between Alaska & Russia cuz i couldn’t get my berings straight . folks,,

Taze me once, shame on you; taze me twice, I've snuck back into the zoo

if i'm in the mood for some jazz i just throw an orchestra down the stairs

Why did they call it bacon fat and not oinkment omg I'm so sorry

is it bc you have to pee, it’s bc you have to pee isn’t it

Her: You're sure to get awards for Most Ostentatious Costume and Most Adorned Costume. Him: I seek wins with this sequence of sequins!

everyone's fighting a battle at Battle Barn™, the barn for fighting battles in [seven second montage of battles in a barn and the music is actually pretty cool] whatever your battle, Battle Barn™

WIFE: This summer I'm banning you from wearing those shorts with pockets. ME: *barely audible* embargo pants HER: Get out

Van

Why did they call it a sleep score and not a slumber number

After you sneeze, Devil worshippers be like, "Possess you."

I remember when I was a little kid, “fuck” was the worst thing you could say. Now it’s the most sensible response to everything.

Hoping the sexy IRS will penalize me

it’s crazy that ‘normal’ is a portmanteau of norm (from cheers) & al (from the al bundy show) i haven’t slept in 9 yrs😩

person: so what motivates you to keep going every day me: (zero hesitation) have you ever met a cat or a dog

one time i was sad & my dog was like “aw don’t be sad” & my cat was like “……….“ bc cats can’t talk, you fucken idiots

He Said, She Seder #PassoverMovies

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Afikomen #PassoverMovies

Leaven Las Vegas #PassoverMovies

ugh my posts are shit 𝕊ℍ𝕀ℕ𝔾𝕃𝔼𝕊 𝔻𝕆𝔼𝕊ℕ’𝕋 ℂ𝔸ℝ𝔼

The Men Who Stare at One Little Goat #PassoverMovies

Mission Impossible: Four Cups of Wine #PassoverMovies

My karate instructor had surgery after a heart attack recently so I called him 'my stentsei' lol and then he nunchucked me half to death.

An animated Dracula movie, call it Nosferatoon

me: *stuffing a ham into my pillow* wife: what are you doing me: it’s in case someone tries to stuff a ham into my pillow, they’ll be like “oh i already got this guy”

Her: Trim your beard! Him: You'd rather I have a bear?