i think if you want to have those disgusting LED headlights on your car, you should have to do a test where they blast you point blank with your own headlights and then you have 15 seconds to successfully complete some sort of vision-based task, and if you can't do it they push your car off a cliff

I’m at the point in my cycle where I’m gonna cry at everything

when another bad thing happens in your life but you’re used to it

How this email finds me

What’s that? You’ve some time off work? Perfect time to injure yourself by merely existing

Every single time I open Facebook I regret it immediately

20 likes on twitter: I'm an idiot, a loser, a fraud, universally despised 20 likes on bluesky: well well well look who's Queen Bitch of Fuck Mountain

I am ‘I bought a nice mug with my birthday money’ years old

The perfect breakfast in bed

I've been sleeping with my feet outside of the blankets every night in hopes I would be finally dragged into hell.

filling my weekly pill organizer with hopes and dreams

*throws caution to the wind* *gets covered in caution*

That feeling when you finally turn on the heating.

Would be endlessly helpful if everyone got their name tattooed on their face

Woke up to a foxy visitor in my garden

When you tell your kids something that they already know but didn’t

It’s how you make your peace inside yourself knowing this

I would have left Kevin Home Alone too.

Send this to your coworker for them to wonder if it’s them or someone else

It’s choose your adventure day. Turn to page 6. You’ve fallen off a cliff. Turn to page 11. Every stranger tells you their life story. Turn to page 19. You win the lottery then you die the next day. Turn to page 71. It’s Monday everyday forever

salt-n-pepa: *nod approvingly*

If nothing else a Facebook account is a great way of reminding yourself why you don't make the effort to meet up with family and old friends anymore.

During the night one of our cats has got into this pack of cheese topped bread rolls and eaten the cheese off the top

All names for impromptu sex around the house.

Still thinking about #CelebrityTraitors

Friday.

Number of cats I own: 0 Number of cats fighting in my living room: 2

Okay I was wrong there are Two problems with Mastodon

I guess we know where he got off.

if your whole day has already been a mess, have you considered a shower beer?

Adagio for chasing strings

If this app doesn’t work I’m going back to ruining my life locally

Did it hurt? When you ordered Chinese for yourself but they included 3 forks and fortune cookies?

“It’s not a competition” - losers

Deer whispering in my spare time

People go to therapy to cope with people who should

Oh hey, I didn’t see you there. I was just being in my big nightshirt

𝙿̶𝚕̶𝚊̶𝚝̶𝚘̶𝚘̶𝚗̶ Catoon (1986)

My new office space has terrible wifi but I really don’t mind at all

Finding new friends in your 40’s

Two packs of Doritos falling from a vending machine are some of my fondest childhood memories.

The man next to me has cologne so strong that I’m dizzy with hallucinations, plus all those mushrooms I took.

This email could have been an unsent draft

Evening walk. Kingfisher out and about. Light was fairly low and this is cropped a little. #birds #photography

Thinking about Christmas presents for my wife. Does anyone know what it smells like?

Nobel Peace of shit Prize

ⓘ this user is suspected of having tea with squirrels, please report any suspicious behavior

When I die, I'll be doing nothing, so people can say that at least I died doing what I love.

“I don’t need to wear deodorant” ~ people who need to wear deodorant

Yeah, it doesn’t look quite right as cabs go, but this is no way to boost its confidence.