The freeski is (like a lot of these events) absolutely batshit. The skiers that mess up their tricks still end up punching the air and waving to the crowd because the real winners are everyone who avoids death.

I've just won against her, but it took a full hour to kill her off, and she missed a move which would have buried me. She's 11. I can hear the clock ticking on my chess career. And my critics are bound to say things like 'why did you not play at all for twenty-five years'.

Thanks for all the lovely birthday wishes yesterday. People sometimes post that while the birthday is still underway, to fuel further messages. Doing it a day later escapes that accusation. Little bit classier, if you ask me. Either you were there, or it's over, it's too late.

This is awful, everyone is better at pitching TV ideas than me. No wonder Mark Watson Cleans Up, on Channel 5, in which I washed the windows of high-rise buildings, never worked out. (THIS WAS A REAL PITCH BY REAL PEOPLE. IT WAS NOT MY IDEA.)

Oh no.

OK, that's it, I'm going to front a travelogue a series where a comedian (me) takes people to the ocean or other bucket-list destinations. If I see on Chortle on six months that this is happening, but with Rob Beckett, you will all have to answer to me.

I think ALL THE TIME about people who've never seen the sea. If you grew up in a tiny country like Britain it's difficult to imagine. However poor your family was, you'll have been dragged to a lovably shit seafront before you were 15.

This is me if I ever did the luge, which of course I never shall. (Also, the bits of dirt are on the actual picture, not your screen. I spent almost a minute trying to clean them up.)

I'm also on this personal-message site. I've just looked and I am £139 cheaper than John Cusack.

I bought this record from a charity shop. The sleeve makes it sound like Tchaikovsky himself called it Romeo & Juliet Etc. ‘Fuck it, that’ll do.’

I know I say this every six months, but if you can’t imagine how working from home might make some people more productive, you have basically never progressed from being a schoolboy, and do not understand that a lot of workers derive motivation from something other than the fear of punishment.

Keep seeing this Copilot ad in which a woman pulls off a shit-hot 'business negotiation' by tapping away at Copilot to ask its advice every 20 seconds, as if that would put you in a position of strength rather than implying that you didn't have a fucking clue what you were doing.

New neurosis opportunity just dropped

I watched last night’s sport on Five and I’m pleased to report that Dermot O’Leary is a very good presenter of American football - among his other accomplishments. This has been a Dermot O’Leary Appreciation Post, or DOLAP.

The halftime show is so funny; people are talking about it nonstop for three months and then the actual gig is shorter than someone doing an opening set at the Comedy Store.

I don't know about this. I don't believe someone can eat a Sunday roast in under a minute. Try to imagine a whole plate of food like that going down in under a minute. I don't think so. The roast potatoes alone. You can't just swallow those.

I can recommend going to a museum or portrait gallery if you want to be reminded that you've got almost no idea what was going on in almost all of the world for almost all of history.

My word, if you'd told me this morning I would get a ratio like this, I could only have imagined I was about to be massively racist.

OK I’m at a friend’s house. Two people live here: my friend and his wife. He’s just opened the mug drawer. There are, I would say, 30 plus mugs. He maintains he has a normal number of mugs. I think it’s a LOT of mugs. What you all think?

I have another #buyastrangerabook day offer to tell you about. @ginger-kid.bsky.social has bought TWO copies of Mortification by Mark Watson for me to give out. One has gone, but if you'd like the other copy, just get in touch! UK only

If I told you what TV show I was dropped from without explanation today, having been booked and made arrangements, you would raise at the VERY LEAST one eyebrow. TV people, man. Can't live with them, can't drop them handcuffed into the deepest point of the Atlantic.

I think (I know I'm biased) it's difficult to blame comedians for starting podcasts because in the past 10 years TV and radio opportunities have shrunk to a scarcely believable degree. I also think it's fine, you can just ignore the podcasts you don't want? But I understand the general fatigue.

You don’t look too fucking sorry

I'm about to do a quick Instagram Live. At five. Just like I did this time last week. It's nice to feel you can rely on something, or somebody, in life.

Why not, I thought, let’s give it a go. The ‘surprise’: it wasn’t a pastry at all, but a tiny magical man who is going to grant all my wishes. Unbelievable value for £3. Obviously can’t guarantee everyone will get that, that’s why it’s CALLED a surprise.

NOW. Now it is the day. These are for shows from April 7-19.

Melbourne: cheap tickets to see me here. For one day only. But the day doesn’t start yet. It will soon, though.

I can see why you might engage a skilled writer, like Matt, to 'punch up' a wedding speech, especially if you aren't used to that kind of thing. Asking a MACHINE to compose light-hearted jibes about your mate being sick in Lanzarote is true 'Black Mirror' stuff.

A guy has come round to fix our internet and his baseball cap says FAILURE IS NOT AN OPTION. *That* is what I like to see from a visiting engineer. I wouldn't want him in a hat that said I CAN TAKE THIS JOB OR LEAVE IT, REALLY.

When you’re tarmacing a road with your face at 6pm but have the GRAMMYs at 7pm

I know FOUR people whose birthday falls on February 2. It feels impossible to me that you could know four people born on New Year's Day or Christmas Day or something, even though the probability can't really be any different. Anyway: expensive and demanding day for me.

This is a nice recommendation, although you may also think ‘well no, that sounds extremely unpleasant’.

Also, if you like this podcast, I have written quite a number of novels. I mention it only because a WHOLE BOOK GROUP came to my show last night and they were surprised to hear I'd ever published a book. And I've been publishing them since 2004 so that suggests I've got work to do on promotion.

A new episode this morning. I would recommend starting at the beginning though because there's been a fair bit of plot now. But you could still easily catch up in a few hours. You won't be doing much with your Sunday. Unless you play for Fulham, for example, I guess.

Three consecutive audiences who were absolutely great. Thanks to all of you who came this week. Tomorrow: no show. Just a squash match. We focus now on that.

I am in this, briefly, before being murdered. Spoiler alert.

This is ticking along nicely still, would love to have you on board. I don't feel bad promoting it because I'm comfortably making a loss on it. Trailer from @matryer.bsky.social once more.

Makes you think.

I'm going to be on Instagram Live in a few minutes. I haven't done it for a while and it wouldn't amaze me if these days you have to get in with a scan of your retinas or something. But I'll try.

Website: and your postcode? Me: my address is— Website: no no I’m keen to guess! Postcode? Me: *enters postcode* Website: is it no. 132? Me: no Website: is it no. 134? Me: it’s 1— Website: SHUT UP is it no. 136?

With the things that are currently happening, imagine getting up and lamenting that there are TOO MANY laws to protect human rights and safety.

MELBOURNE I am a late addition to your festival programme. A 'greatest hits' show to mark my 20th anniversary there. I'm basically Bon Jovi. See you in April. www.comedyfestival.com.au/browse-shows...

I suppose it's time to mention again that I was at uni with Suella and she was not the brightest of the Class of '98. She was also sick on my staircase once after a big night and I got her a glass of water. Well, time keeps rolling by.

I stand by this, from a previous winter. If you feel January is going to drag, set yourself a tough project with a Jan 31 deadline and watch that fucker RACE away from you. Also works with any other month and with the whole of life. (Thanks to @vixleyton.bsky.social for the image.)

The new episode is out - exactly as I predicted. You could download it now and have easily listened to it before lunch. And that is even if you're having an EARLY lunch. I don't know who does that on Sundays. But, as my mum would say, it takes all sorts.

I’ve just watched ‘I Swear’ which I really enjoyed, but at the very end he’s on the train Nottingham - Sheffield and it pans out and it’s a Scotrail train. What the fuck? I felt personally insulted.

My podcast is back tomorrow. It's a mystery story with all sorts of other aspects. Many comedians are in it. It's always under 40 minutes. The arguments for you listening to it are stacking up, here.

I just saw a guy on the phone in Tesco. He said 'OK... OK. Thanks for telling me.' He then put back into the fridge two bottles of champagne which he'd been about to buy. I'll be thinking about it for a while probably.

JUST MESSAGE ME BACK, YOU MOTHERFUCKER. (Sorry, that’s only aimed at one person. It’s a shame the rest of you had to hear it.)

This story is truly something. I'm imagining the 'tiny people' like the lemmings in the 90s video game phenomenon Lemmings. Marching towards you in a solemn line. Shaking their little heads at you. www.bbc.co.uk/future/artic...