Tomorrow evening it’ll be my annual duty to vaguely shepherd the activity on the #duvetknowitschristmas hashtag and urge people to give small sums to charity. 7.30pm? Something like that?

A middle-aged trait I've developed is to say out loud 'right!!' or 'OK!!' upon getting back into the house and sitting down, as if that itself is some sort of achievement.

I took a bunch of kids to Zootropolis 2 today (all authorised btw) and it was rammed, with many small people, and the atmosphere was very quiet and attentive. I’m not sure how true it is that cinema is always ruined by ‘other people’. I DO know I still hugely enjoy going, versus watching at home.

🎵 He's making a list and checking it twice Gonna give the job to Sam Allardyce Santa Claus is the owner of a struggling Premier League club anywhere between about 2010 and 2022 🎵

You never regret following this guy.

It's been a couple of days since I mentioned this, and I do really like people listening to it. There has been a spike in audience this week but I want more. My goal is one to two billion listeners an episode. At that point podcasts become quite profitable.

These lads are great but I’m at the age where all I can think is PUT A PROPER COAT ON, YOU’LL CATCH YOUR DEATH

This is now peak period for delivery anxiety. You can't afford a 'we called, but you were out...' card on December 19. I'm going to sit in an armchair outside my front door, monitoring the street with binoculars.

I liked Wake Up Dead Man more than its two predecessors: -less arch, more murdery -good to see modern theology explored in movie -Craig’s voice either less annoying or I’m just used to it

I heard there was a secret meat With paprika, and spicy heat But you don't really care for sausage Nduja ...sorry, I can delete this. I've just seen a few posts in this format and I wanted in.

Mine is: everyone has a vague idea what I’m up to but doesn’t really keep up with it.

Some sort of glitch was preventing episode 3 from showing up on Apple, but it has been fixed and you can see the ep is there. I hope you enjoy it. Some people are definitely enjoying it.

These are excellent gifts for young readers. Also, just to double down on the point, Alasdair himself gets money if you buy them. And that’s handy because it takes ages to write a book.

I’ve seen a few posts like this and maybe they’re right - they certainly know more than me. But Trump has been almost completely mad since 2016. His tweets have always been unhinged, politically incoherent and subliterate. If that mattered to people, surely it would have mattered by now.

The third episode of my extremely elaborate story-in-podcast form is out. Quite easy to catch up if you've not listened before, because they're under 30 minutes, which (unpopular opinion?) more podcasts should aim to be.

Appalled to hear people discussing who they think has drawn whom in a Secret Santa. What do they think ‘secret’ means. Death before disclosure.

The third episode of my extremely elaborate story-in-podcast form is out. Quite easy to catch up if you've not listened before, because they're under 30 minutes, which (unpopular opinion?) more podcasts should aim to be.

I think we're well within our rights to take the piss out of that guy who wants to live forever and takes 170 pills a day and looks like a ghost. But when death DOES hit you, you realise it's awful how quickly we can be snuffed out. There's got to be a happy medium. Let's talk to Van Dyke.

He’s done it. People accused me of risking jinxing it, but Dick was never going to let this slip. I see he says ‘I plan to live much longer’. Is he the man to make 150? Can’t think of many better.

That’s it. I’m on the train home after the last of, what, 200 gigs this year? Thank you very much to every single person who has (voluntarily) watched me in 2025. I’m about to get hammered*. *I have just one of those little wines you can buy in M and S

Truly there’s not much better than playing the drums, even if you aren’t really any good at it. Apart from playing the drums AND signing backup with Horne. Five hours to go for these reluctant heroes.

I've been fortunate enough to gain some new followers recently. Welcome, and also, maybe you would like this, if you like listening to things. There are some great comedians in it. It's a long-running story. But it's only up to episode 3 (this weekend).

I’ve done a lot of endurance comedy things; I performed for 36 hours once. But this is maybe the most ill-advised undertaking I have ever seen. Fair play.

Tonight. I should be joining my old friend about 2am, which will suit those of you in different time zones or who can’t sleep because you’ve done a murder etc. Do get behind Alex and the band; I believe performing for 24 hours can be quite challenging.

6 years in a detention centre in El Salvador because once on Twitter I said it was odd how they phrase it ‘I COULD care less’.

Dick Van Dyke is three days short of his 100th birthday now. We shouldn’t get complacent but we’re nearly there.

Okay, 𝘭𝘪𝘴𝘵𝘦𝘯. I know if you follow Mark's work, you probably expected this anyway. But even just two episodes in, the podcast has already become a source of connection and representation for people struggling with their mental health, neurodivergence, long covid and so much more. Go give it a listen

My podcast @murderbastard.bsky.social has a narrator struggling with long COVID. It's barely been whispered about in fiction/the arts so far, that's why I wanted to.

The second episode of my murder-story podcast is out. You could do worse things with half an hour of your Sunday, for sure. If you need me to name some examples I will do.

Not to be all Peter Kay about it but who remembers the Shine compilations and what band did you get into because of them? Me: Divine Comedy.

Trouble is, and no disrespect to the original poster, but international football is the pure form. No transfer fees, no plutocrats buying clubs as toys. We all saw Cameroon in 1990, Iceland at Euro 2016, I mean there’s a million examples. Lose that, you really are fucked. Good luck everyone!

FIFA, by the way, have been corrupt and terrible at what they do for as long as I (or most football fans) can remember. It's just been scaled up with this Trump/Infantino axis in line with the fact we live in a dystopian movie now.

Maybe all business is like this, but it feels like tech is a field where if you’ve had one notable success, you are given leeway to make absolutely batshit awful calls for the rest of your time on earth.

Maybe all business is like this, but it feels like tech is a field where if you’ve had one notable success, you are given leeway to make absolutely batshit awful calls for the rest of your time on earth.

This is good.

I'm just going to mention again that I made this long-form detective story podcast and you can listen to it in various places. The response has been really gratifying so far. Second episode on Sunday. podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/m...

'You will be haunted,' resumed the ghost, 'by eight spirits. Eight! You're not going to be able to draw any conclusions from it about how to live. It's too much. It's just going to be a right fucking nightmare.'

Gave up my train seat for an older person: the third time this week. I am keeping precise notes on times and places and when I’m elderly, I will be claiming these exact seats back.

This is available tomorrow morning (UK time). Give it a go, if you want something to listen to! Why not!

When the bill comes in an Indian place and you were expecting one of those little chocolate mints but it’s just a hot towel, you realise how much you wanted that mint.

I just can't imagine booing - even complaining about - your team the same calendar year they won a major title. If my team ever became league champions I'd spend the next 30 years like Scrooge when he has his epiphany, donates to charity, buys the big turkey etc.

A year on, still very much this.

Honestly, it is possible to think 'I work hard to earn money; I deserve that money' and *also* 'it would be good if we created a more equal society: I'll help'. Exhausting to see everything presented as a fight to the death between those two ideas, seemingly forever.

You can now sign up for my detective-story podcast via the below avenues. I'll be delighted if you do that. It's full of talented people. I'm hoping to prove you can build something like this on @bsky.app like we did in the old country.

Given the current polling, asking Kemi Badenoch to respond to the Budget is about as relevant as asking what Chesney Hawkes thought of it.

The Commons is an amazing place really. The Speaker can schoolmarmishly say 'as you know, we do not allow clapping in the chamber', but you ARE allowed to bray like a farm animal, wave paper around, and drown out the person at the microphone.

Went to see Radiohead, 28 years on from my first time. It was great. If you can, I do recommend spending your money on experiences that make you feel properly alive. You’re unlikely to regret it.

Black Friday is basically bollocks and small businesses deserve your support.

This is a week away. Will be good possibly.

What is your Alright Granddad opinion - the one you already know you’ll still be boring people with when you’re 70? (Mine is that planned engineering work on railways should not take place at weekends.)