Narrowed it down to two from several recommendations here and offline. That removes all my worries for tonight except for the main one - that my team will play badly and lose the game. But over the years I've learned not to think about that when deciding whether to attend football matches.

I was wondering just yesterday if people say ‘I will die on this hill’ in offline contexts (other than doomed climbers etc). Has it made it into the wider world?

If you were going to Watford tonight, where would you have dinner? Actually, I'll be more specific. I'm not asking this as a thought experiment. I am asking for YOUR recommendations. Near the football ground would be good. If you've never been to Watford, this is simply not for you.

Here's those tour dates in full! The tour doesn't REALLY kick off until Jan, but the show hits the road for the first time tomorrow in Nottingham, then we're off to all these cool places! Am I coming to your town? Come say hey! www.joznorris.co.uk/you-wait-tim...

I’m back.

Arsenal have got a FIFTEEN YEAR OLD, Max Dowman, on. He is the first ever person to play in the Champions League about whom you can say definitively he was never in a Woolworth's.

When I was at school the Skoda was automatically seen as shorthand for a shit car. ‘Your dad’s got a SKODA!!’ Did they dramatically turn their reputation round? Or were they always ok cars and it was just one of these mysterious playground traditions?

GHOST OF CHRISTMAS FUTURE, SHOWING ME 2025: you make a living as a comedian, write books, you have a partner, two kids, a really nice life. 16 YEAR OLD MARK: ok great. GHOST: just a heads up, one of the friends from 'Friends' is dead and the others are aged between 56 and 62. MARK: what the fuck.

@dolorsitametish.bsky.social Well, enjoy.

Might put the clock back again tonight. Take the extra hour in bed again. Make it a regular thing. See what happens.

Bluesky seems to have lots of weirdly aggressive accounts to ‘inspire writers’. ‘Hey, finish that script today! Imagine your enemies weeping as you collect your Oscar! KILL ALL LIFE ON THE PLANET WITH YOUR KEYBOARD!’

I like how you can use emojis to zoom in on a pig 🐖 🐷 🐽

I have served eight trick-or-treat parties so far, 26 customers in total. I’ve gone ‘treat’ in all cases to date. At the end of the day I’d rather give away these lollipops than get petrol-bombed.

A long time ago, my friend Oliver and I made a graphic novel about Halloween. It was optioned by Spielberg’s company amazingly. I went to LA for the first time! Then they did nothing with it for 42 years. Still: fun. Now someone is making a musical theatre adaptation. FRIGHT NIGHT!!

Just to remind you, it is All Hallows’ Eve. Not everything will be quite as it seems, tonight. If you’re one of these people who like things to be exactly as they seem: bad news, pal.

The sky's the limit. Horne, obviously. Lineker, Kate Bush, that new Pope they've got who seems a lot of fun, Winkleman herself (I'm hosting by the way), Brian Cox (the Succession one), Chloe Kelly, Dick van Dyke, Alison Hammond.

People quite easily buy the idea that sports stars are likely to be stupid (I'm not saying the original poster thinks this necessarily) and, for sure, SOME are, but an awful lot aren't. You can be pretty smart *and* excel at sport. The bastards.

I'm going as 'when you picture the world five hundred years from now, with everyone you know gone, yourself included'. It's been quite challenging as a costume.

Five years since the second of the 24-hour streams I did - with a lot of help - in an attempt to perk people up during that, you know, pandemic business. Will the 24-hour show ever resurface as a theatre event? Yes. When? You’ll see.

@marawilson.bsky.social Ah, YOU’RE why I suddenly have many Americans commenting on a week-old post. Thank you!

All the lyrics to 'Rasputin' are funny but I love 'it was a shame how he carried on'. It sounds like something your gran would say about a disgraced quiz-show host.

@dolorsitametish.bsky.social I have to say I'm glad that same guy is not pitching this time.

This is wonderful, and the people involved in this sort of tech are geniuses, but 'cyclist fitted with printed 3D face' is the sort of headline that makes me feel I lost the run of things quite a while back.

Long thread here but, honestly, put five minutes into it and it will make you think useful thoughts about what being alive is.

For years I’ve been blurting out I’LL JUST GET MY STUFF OUT THE BOOT the second I open a taxi door, and it always feels madly over-cautious. Last week I didn’t say it for some reason and the guy *very* nearly did drive off with my suitcase by accident.

I've had two emails beginning 'hope you had a lovely weekend'. As it happens I did, and I'm tempted to reply with a dense, detailed breakdown to see how sincerely interested they are.

I can't begin to explain what it's like here. So I won't bother.

We can probably ditch the phrase ‘wherever you get your podcasts’ at this point can’t we? Just trust people to know how podcasts work?

I wouldn't say EVERYONE on my street is currently watching the baseball.

@dolorsitametish.bsky.social This is stressful.

Why would you give a shit about there being Black and Asian people in adverts? Quite apart from the racism, why are you watching adverts? Is it 2004?

By the time he’s ’talking about Jolene in his sleep’ and calling her name out and whatnot, our narrator has already lost. It’s not about pleading ‘don’t take my man’. She’s got to look at the underlying situation.

Remember when the contactless limit was £50, then it crept up to £100, then at some point it became 'oh three million quid, let's not worry about it, I'm sure you're the genuine cardholder'.

One of the great street names.

Richard wanted something special for his 157th episode and I was happy to step in. If you think you'd like to listen me talking about a book I wrote, this is a strong candidate. You probably know if you're in that category or not. A *lot* of people are not. That's ok.

Something's off with this email from Tesco claiming I have won £5000. If I have to put my finger on it, it's that I don't think Tesco give out cash prizes like that, and also I feel like they wouldn't have misspelt 'Tesco'.

Question for people who play Wordle/Connections and so on regularly: what's the perfect amount of time for it to take, per day? At what point does it tip over from agreeable distraction to 'this is eating into my life'? I realise it depends partly on what else you have to do in the day.

Me, every Saturday, coming off stage and logging on while Strictly is happening.

People still do think this about anyone who’s ever been on tv. Sometimes I’ll wheel a suitcase into a hotel and someone will go ‘do you not have people to do that!?’ Normally yes sir, but my butler is ill for these tour dates in Burnley and Warrington.

I reckon if you got into your eighties and beyond with your memory still perfect, the sheer number of memories would make you feel a bit mad. I was just a bit overwhelmed thinking about how much I've seen happen even since Wogan was on TV.

This is a Pixar movie. The little moon (Sabrina Carpenter) comes in to work-shadow the veteran actual moon (Meryl Streep). Streep is grumpy about it for the film’s first thirty mins. But by the end they’re inseparable and when 2083 comes we cry. While also learning about the need to let someone go.

Among everything else fascinating about the Louvre heist, it's delightful it took place at 9.30am. Most of us, if planning a massive jewel theft, would be setting an alarm for the middle of the night. The French remind us you can have a decent night's sleep and THEN do it.

You’re in a complex moral area when the person being served ahead of you at the checkout goes back for items they forgot, and then takes ages. They’re within their rights. They are the queue leader. But it doesn’t sit right.

Remember in the Twitter age when Pizza Express was threatened with 'folding' and 5,176 people made the joke about 'so now it's a calzone'. Let's learn from history. Just nominate one person who gets to do the gag and move on.

I was trying to show one of my kids this weekend, the correct four'o'clock position to put your cutlery in to signal to the waiter that you're finished. And I did it so well, the waiter whipped my plate away and I wasn't finished. Be careful out there people.

I think the iPhone has a bit of a cheek trying to make you capitalise ‘Apple’ as if they were there before the Garden of Eden.

It’s amazing the ‘Gillette - the best a man can get’ tune is still going, basically unaltered since I was a kid. What is the longest-running advert song still in circulation?

Dreamed I had a haircut which turned out to be £250. Horrifying. But I didn’t know till they’d cut it; there was nothing to be done.

Shit I was meant to tell you that you can get the paperback of my novel with 25 percent off if you preorder. But it expires today. But, I don’t know, there’s still a bit of today left.

Last night a woman called Viv showed me this photo of a complete set of my books. I couldn’t decide whether I felt ‘wow I did all of that’ or ‘is that really it, my life’s work!?’ But I guess I’m not dead yet and it was a nice moment. Thank you Viv.