I’ve never been much of a fan of Joe Pasquale, but he speaks quite highly about me.

I see General Bone-Spurs has called other NATO countries cowards. It’s a shame there isn’t a Nobel Prize for irony - the tangerine turd would be a shoo-in for that fucker!

Botox makes actors forget their lines.

Has anyone else noticed that many people who work in IT get disproportionately annoyed when those of us who don’t work in IT don’t share the same knowledge and expertise that they get paid for?

“Hi Geordie, my sister got hurt by a marsupial in a Malaysian city zoo.” "Kuala Lumpur?" “No, kicked by a kangaroo.”

When you decide ‘growing old gracefully’ isn’t for you.

I just farted and told my wife it was the dog. Then I remembered I don't have a dog. Or a wife... I'm so lonely.

If I had a pet baby kangaroo I'd call it Tribbiani.* *If you don't get this we can never be friends.

Hands up if you enjoy stretching!

I've just ordered some books about OCD.

Me, aged 20: “Oh fuck, the plans for Saturday night have fallen through.” Me, aged 60: “Thank fuck the plans for Saturday night have fallen through.”

I once took a Lidl bag for life into Waitrose. I think they would've been less horrified if I'd got my cock out.

I found out the owner’s name of Toyah Willcox's local Chinese takeaway. It's a Mr Wee.

My ex-wife often gave me ‘the silent treatment’. I liked those bits best.

I just phoned the Thesaurus Helpline hoping to find an ideal synonym for connected. It was engaged.

If I had a boomerang I’d name it Mack.* *give yourself one mark if you get this

“How much for the organic dildo?” "That's a cucumber, sir!" “... How much?”

All McDonald's are drive thrus if you're adventurous enough.

Do you know who likes to hear about your weird dreams? No one. Absolutely no one.

I once saw Billy Joel in B&Q buying fire lighters. The lying bastard.

Jarvis Cocker's Pulp were heavily influenced by 80s band Orange Juice, who in turn had been greatly influenced by 70s group Squeeze.

My doctor says I have xenophobia. I bet I caught it off some fucking foreigner!

I was surprised to discover Oxo isn't on the stock exchange.

I'm not as nostalgic as I used to be. I really miss that.

I'm only ever interested in someone's sexuality if I'm attracted to them. It's the only time it matters, isn't it?

I'm - Sunday breakfast used to be cheese, crackers and peanuts off the bar between the opening hours of 12 till 2 - years old.

If beer really is God's way of showing he loves us, I presume hangovers are his way of saying "but not that much.”

I bet foreplay's a nightmare with MC Hammer.

You know those people who are all 'bright and breezy' first thing in the morning? Does anyone else feel like strangling the fuckers?

Unlike most pop singers, Seal has never been a fan of clubbing.

Do you remember those days before mobile phones, when you could disappear for hours and no one could get hold of you? Fuck me, I miss those days.

The best bit about becoming a grandparent must be looking at your son/daughter and thinking 'your turn now, let's see how you fucking like it!'

I like to think there’s a special place in Hell for people who don’t acknowledge your kindness when you let them out of a junction.

Due to money worries I've had to sell my late father's diamond studded adjustable spanner. It was quite a wrench.

Just heard my next door neighbour saying she thinks I'm creepy. If her wardrobe hadn't been so comfortable I would've confronted her about it.

A face tattoo is a great way of showing you never want a job.

Coffee keeps me going until I can have a proper drink.

I scoffed when they said I eat too much.

If I had a pet impala I'd call it Vlad.

Thank fuck they got the design for the drawing board right first time.

If nothing else Facebook's great for finding out how stupid and ignorant your family and old friends really are.

It’s not you, it’s me... just kidding, it’s definitely you. Fuck off.

Not much is known about Mr T's brother, E.

Cape Town doesn't have as many superheroes as I'd expected.

I'm - my mum used to give me 2p for a phone call in case of emergencies when I went out - years old.

A BMW driver's just let me out of a junction and I don't know what to believe anymore.

I'm - I used to be my parents tv remote control - years old.

Fuck's sake! I've been lost on spaghetti junction for 30 minutes now. This is past a joke.

Please remind me, was Trump’s war to change the Iranian regime or kill school kids and fuck up the world economy?

Overheard in Waitrose: "No, Giles! Get a nice Chablis. What is it with you and your obsession with Sauvignon Blanc?"