I'm in the company of the most cheery and chatty person I've ever met. I wish she'd fuck off.

Has he renamed it The Straight of Trump yet?

I feel really claustrophobic when I visit my local chemist. I fear I've become too big for my Boots.

"Is Pepsi ok?" - Most frequent question asked of Shirlie.

"Where are the Star Wars impersonators you booked?" "Their people carrier broke down. All I know is they're in a Galaxy far, far away." #MayTheFourthBeWithYou

If you opened a tin of evaporated milk and found it empty, would you be able to demand your money back?

Her: “Do that thing I really like.” Me: *sits down to have a piss*

I went to hospital with severe food poisoning after eating haggis, neeps and tatties. Fortunately they have an excellent Burns unit.

Being an adult is about 80% pretending to be an adult.

I used to be in a band called The White Lines. We were a bit like The White Stripes, just more middle of the road.

I just ate the salad with my doner kebab. Like some sort of fucking health freak.

WHAT DO WE WANT? what? You're supposed to shout A CURE FOR APATHY! whatever...

I'm having a healthy tuna salad for lunch. But because I lack some ingredients I'm having to improvise with bread, butter, bacon and HP sauce.

A horse walks into a bar. The barman asks, "Why the long space?"

One day, if you live long enough, you’ll look in the mirror and wish you still looked as good as the time when you thought you looked like shit.

Dido is a stupid name, isn't it? Mind you it could've been an 'ell of a lot worse.

Today is the tenth anniversary of the day I put my favourite T-shirt in a separate drawer and said to myself I’ll wear it again when I’ve lost some weight.

Someone's shown me some of that Rorschach's artwork. Fucking hell, what a pervert!

A sign in Colchester city centre.

Does anyone know if Hue & Cry are still looking for Linda? It's just that I've found her working at Asda's in Colchester.

Who are Beyoncé's favourite Emmerdale characters? All the Dingle ladies.

Sperm banks don't like donations by post. Apparently.

I heard a man who was wearing Crocs say, "I don't give a fuck". We know, mate. We know...

My doctor said I should drink more water. This is going to be easy. I've just checked and beer's about 95% water.

Apparently, as long as you drive a 4x4, put your hazards on and are dropping your children off at school, you can park anywhere! Who knew?

My mate's so tight he saved money on school name tags by having his son christened George.

Fool people into thinking you've passed your Advanced Driving Test by simply using indicators at roundabouts.

I sat in a London pub yesterday afternoon wearing running gear and a tinfoil cape while strangers bought me beer. Works every year. 😉🍻

I once got badly hurt by a boxer in the ring. I think you'll agree that's a particularly nasty place to be bitten by a dog.

I had a Sunday lunch that lasted nearly two hours and polished off two bottles of wine. I like those Sunday lunches best.

*puts Fitbit in the tumble dryer and eats more bacon*

I have a talent for bringing peace and tranquillity to any gathering. Or "uncomfortable silences", as my wife insists on calling them.

If nothing else a Facebook account is a great way of reminding yourself why you don't make the effort to meet up with family and old friends anymore.

Last night I did a mash-up of Anthrax and The Vaccines. It sounded like The Cure.

I’m never more judgmental than when I see someone buying a Daily Mail.

I asked the doctor whether it's true that excessive masturbation's bad for your eyesight. He said, "You're in the butcher's, mate.”

I was going to give a lecture about Catholic birth control methods today, but I had to pull out at the last minute.

I bet that curmudgeonly old nob, Alan Sugar, intends to be buried. Just to spoil the best parting line of any cremation ever.

I couldn't stop twisting and turning in bed last night. I was torquing in my sleep.

Whatever you do never try yo-yo dieting. They're a bastard to chew and you'd never believe me if I told you what happens when you shit.

I nearly married a Brazilian many years ago. That was a close shave.

A lovely pic of a young Ed Sheeran and his mum.

"Incontinence Helpline, can you hold?"

I'm - I remember when celebrities had to have a talent - years old.

Son: “I’m gay.” Dad: “Hi, I’m dad.” *they both smile and hug* FIN

I wasn’t going to drink tonight, but then I watched the news.

You're beautiful You're beautiful You're beautiful, it's true I saw your face in a crowded place And I don't know what to do 'Cause I'll never be with you ~James Blunt I’d love to fuck you but you’re with that lucky cunt! ~James Blunter

I've just received my copy of The Catholic Times. It's got a pullout section on recommended contraception practices.

The first rule of Innuendo Club is you always enter Innuendo Club through the back doors.

"Some of them aren't cunts", was the best I could come up with when asked to say something positive about colleagues in yesterday’s team meeting.