holiday battles

Yulestarn [YOOL-starn] (n.) A noticeably bright star in the sky appearing on Christmas night.

Naughty or nice is so stupid let me be mid in peace

My Sunday Post....

We don't call it Xbox in our house. We call it by it's full and proper name, Christbox.

simon made me put on his tie so he can wish y’all a happy holiday season ❤️💚

waiter: are there any allergies at the table? me (already drunk): BEES

If you eat in bed, make sure to leave a lot of crumbs, they act as an exfoliant. Self care is my passion 😬

Spouse is currently writing an email to the writer of our favorite Columbo episode, to thank him

just saw 3 young women splitting 1 burger and I’m about to light myself on fire in front of them

A large group of strangers is called a nightmare.

I have weird dogs. Both of them absolutely freak when you take their collars off. "Don't look! I'm naked!"

Apparently I can only sign in here via my IPad WTH?

every day I understand a little more why Arya Stark kept that list

#ArtAdventCalendar December moonrise

I fear being rich no longer means being in the back seat eating dijon mustard from the jar.

Ibuprofen isn’t enough I need to become an invertebrate

*reheats same cup of coffee for the 20th time*

oh, crap! Cyber Monday ends tonight?!? can somebody give me a ride to the internet??

"There is only one lesson life is trying to teach us –– shut the fuck up and enjoy the view." -Charles Bukowski

hostess: How many people for your table? me: Like a trade?

At night she danced with her ghosts.

Them: What do you want for Christmas? Me: A fucking break... Them: 🙄

The snow tires that have been on my car all year are relevant again.

Twitter is basically the used condom of social media.

I love the Charlie Brown Christmas special. There's an eerie loneliness that hangs over the whole thing. The music, Charlie Brown's depression, the dying little tree, the flatness of the children's voices, the inevitability of death. A Christmas masterpiece.

Who knew the REAL East Coast vs West Coast Rap Beef would be between Flavor Flav & Snoop Dogg for the role "America's Sweetheart"

I’m getting one of those barbed wire tattoos so no one tries to break into my upper arm

Sending out W-2s this year instead of Christmas cards since mfers want to be all up in my business

People who invite that creepy Elf on the Shelf into their home clearly haven’t watched enough horror movies.

I can’t believe that in this day and age, people are still wearing fir.

How are Mondays still a thing?

You really can’t get mad at me for asking if you have a smooth brain until you let me scan your prefrontal cortex to check if I’m right.

They were like Bye Felicia. And I’m like that’s not my name dipshit.

Decaf? Please stop wasting my time

they should invent a notification that doesn’t disturb me

Tom Cruise does his own stunts because he wants to die

Getting mauled by a gummy bear would be adorable.

I mean it’s not like he pardoned the Tiger King.

Leftover turkey and halloween candy sandwich for dinner

It takes a strong person to admit they put on an emergency poncho for no good reason.