With Duolingo, I went from hardly speaking a word of Italian to saying “I am a turtle” in just one day!

feel like slim and fat chance should be a different amount of chance

actually, I was just resting my eyes for a minute till Brooklyn

I’d go to the gym but who has time for all those selfies

I'm just nine trench coats divided evenly between three trench coats in a trench coat.

When I drive in the rain, my anxiety increases and decreases along with the speed of my windshield wipers

Honestly this kind of drama is exactly why I no longer participate in group chats

Housing is so expensive. I'm going to move into a giant peach.

I don’t think we’re going to hell in a handbasket after all. I think we’re going in a Tesla

Me: how do I do my taxes Public School: shut the fuck up and square dance

existential crisis at the drive-thru

Just once in my life I’d like to get the shopping cart that isn’t the absolute loudest in the entire grocery store

My favorite novel is 100 𝘠𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘴 𝘖𝘧 𝘚𝘰𝘭𝘪𝘵𝘶𝘥𝘦 because just imagine *closes eyes and clutches fist* all that fuckin’ solitude.

you should come on my podcast it’s called i hate the way you chew and breathe

Insomnia insomnia, that wonderful treat. The more you stay awake, the more you eat.

It seems obvious that humans shouldn’t create technology that can replace humans but whatever, they’re the smart ones here

well whatever happens in the next four years i just hope it inspires some sick bars from lin-manuel miranda

Hey, 1983 called but I didn’t answer because I was trying to figure out how to play “Electric Avenue” on the clarinet.

HER: you didn't use my shampoo again, did you? ME: *shakes my head no but the luxurious bounce of my hair says otherwise*

It’s only been 19 days…

If you act like you're on drugs when you’re not on drugs, they put you on drugs to make you act like you're not on drugs

People can be so judgey about people who are judgey

[bruce wayne speeding around in the batmobile] (roxanne voice) baaaatman, you don't have to stop at the red lights

"if you're not scared, you're not paying attention." WHY DO YOU THINK I'M TRYING SO HARD NOT TO PAY ATTENTION

I’m really sorry but no, we just don’t have time for a bird flu epidemic right now

truly don't have enough faces or palms to get thru this era

Whoever invented how to pronounce the word "macabre" did a really good jabre.

We need more jokes about how long it’s been January

It’s not box wine, it’s cardboardeaux.

It’s a great time to be dumb and mean-spirited

Actually a little sad about the price of eggs since it was basically our only perk for the next four years

Gaslighting myself to sleep.

Something nobody tells you: aging gracefully is fucking expensive

The price of eggs is expected to increase…that sound you hear is half the country saying I told you so

Space alien: Take me to your leader. Me: I’d rather not.

A four-year coma sounds nice.

If you love someone set them free—and then follow their life without you on social media for the rest of eternity

don’t come around here no more? ok tom petty and the threatmakers

porcupines are just squirrels that listen to the sex pistols

You know you’re getting old when you low-key side with the mom in Pink Pony Club

“How can you make jokes at a time like this” why do you think jokes were invented?

I’m not watching the news for the next four years so figured I’d join another social media platform…