If you thought Epstein friend David Copperfield could make things disappear, you never met Pam Bondi.

I trust major news organizations, members of Congress, and public interest groups are publicizing their secure tip lines so DOJ and FBI employees with knowledge of political interference in the Epstein files review process, can explain safely and confidentially what they saw.

Due to layoffs, there will only be two maids a-milking this year. Adjust your lyrics accordingly. THANK YOU FOR YOUR ATTENTION TO THIS MATTER.

I used to post this recipe annually on twitter, so why not resume the tradition here on the blewskies. (I did my level best with the alt-text) #ablxmas

"No other president has taken a cognitive test" is a hilarious self own

“In hindsight, when was it obvious that war with Venezuela had become inevitable?”

The Trump administration thinking they can release something and then scrub it from the internet would be endlessly funny if it weren’t so disgusting. Remember, Donald: “Everything’s computer!”

Rich people: yeah, that fatal car accident was terrible, but I needed a new ass

"Liberals have more mental illness" is my favorite new MAGA talking point. Yes, my friends, they can't find your cancer if you don't go see the oncologist either.

introducing gaZelle: the antelope that runs away with your money

when they say godspeed are they referring to how fast jesus drives when he takes the wheel or no?

the best two minutes you'll spend all day 🐾

This would be so much more effective in the original German.

He’s going to rename the Washington Monument next. The Donald J. Trump Giant and Very Normal Looking Penis

One of the first steps that the Nazis did in their persecution of Jews was to revoke their citizenship. "In practice, this meant they were deprived of all political rights, including the right to vote or to hold public office. The “Nuremberg Laws” paved the way for further persecution of Jews. #ICE

So... The Hunger Games, then??

This AI Vending Machine Was Tricked Into Giving Away Everything. “…including a PlayStation 5 it had been talked into buying for ‘marketing purposes.’ It ordered a live fish. It offered to buy stun guns, pepper spray, cigarettes and underwear.” [kottke.org]

Not one of them named Marjorie Taylor Greene apnews.com/article/repu...

This is literally Wag the Dog. Right before the Epstein deadline.

Susie Wiles: “I was tricked by the fake news. Not once in the eleven interviews I sat down for did I see the recording devices.”

I don’t like a world without Rob Reiner.

chat i sputtered

I have good judgment. I just prefer not to use it all the time.

God: Welcome Me: So what was the meaning of life? God: Did you ever see a cat do something stupid and then act all embarrassed? Me: Yeah. That's the whole— God: Hilarious

US seized tanker near Venezuela just as warrant was set to expire, court document shows reut.rs/4oVNuAf

California sues Trump administration over terminated transportation grants reut.rs/499zX35

how DARE you come in here with FACTS and REALITY, i won’t HAVE it

The death toll of the “pro life” party will be astronomical.

donkey kong is always shown wearing a tie, but we never see him at his job doing any work...seems pretty suspicious if you ask me!

Can you adopt humans who were too friendly to be cops

can i just say something quick? stop speaking for women you dumb bitch

The tragic truth.

Erika Kirk trying to come off as threatening and looking like Marty Feldman instead

Walt Disney is SCREAMING from his cryogenically frozen state.

those red state gerrymanders assume latinos will vote for them like they did in 2024. about that …

goddamn she went off

Literally can't believe I get to type that the movie that I wrote, based off my life, See You When I See You, is premiering at the 2026 #SundanceFilmFestival. Tickets go on sale for the screening, January 14. More info @sundance.org. So excited for people to see this incredible movie.

Every day I log on like “maybe humanity got it together,” and every day humanity says “lololol, but thanks for checking.”

“now let me tell you all about my gilded ballroom, temu versailles”

annual reminder that one year my mom sent out her christmas cards without looking at them first and didn’t see they printed them with “Lou” instead of “Love” and everyone called and asked her who tf Lou was and she had no idea what they were talking about

It cost all of us $40 million to have these government employees sent home for months and with two weeks left in the year and once public outcry grows they bring them back with a week’s notice? 👀👀👀👀👀

PSA: When Trump says Biden had high inflation, he leaves out that it had come down by the time he left, and was among the lowest in the world when Trump took over — and that the inflation was a global issue everyone experienced post-COVID.

Most things we worry about don’t happen, which is unfair because I really put in the hours.

I’m just three parasocial behaviors in a trench coat, aren’t I

These front page headlines are spendy

Trump’s post reads like a Dr. Bronner’s soap bottle if the peppermint oil had brain damage.

My hobbies include thinking about doing things and then not doing them. (I’m pro level if I’m being honest.)

🎶 The farmer takes a bribe…

when the couple across the street is fighting again and you’re trying to listen without looking conspicuous