I don't need a boyfriend, I can disappoint myself in bed thank you very much

one time when I was younger our college bar had an anniversary party where they were selling 25¢ hot dogs and 50¢ cups of beer, and that night we dined and drank as the gods and goddesses themselves. I've been chasing that high ever since, and I don't think I'm ever going to find it again

you know you are good at posting when the moderators of a social media platform have it out for people like you

we need a poster's union

Fell asleep while eating a sub in my medbed and my body has undergone a transformation that can only be described as "Mike's Way"

Never get into a meme war with a shitposter. Everyone knows this.

Google Trends

government shutdown means there is no longer anyone guarding the betsy ross museum. we can finally fuck the flag

I don't watch much short form video, but naturally it falls into one's focus on the regular and I am so tired of seeing people holding lav mics and talking into them like they are normal handheld mics. why are you doing that? it looks so silly

bird feeder update: I put the bird feeder away for a few days so it wouldn't get soaked/damaged during the storms blowing through, and after putting it back out today it's exploded in popularity! feeling good about my purchase, I get to look at some little guys all the time now and that rocks.

There's been a lot going on, but one of the overlooked parts of the Pete Hegseth speech was demanding a twice-yearly height check. What is supposed to change during those six months that would disqualify you height-wise? Did you get in a Cotton Hill situation?

you gotta admit, referring to democrats as the "radical left" is pretty hilarious

I've been craving a really good italian sub lately. I'm not sure what this is a sign of, probably changing seasons or pending doom. it needs to have some hot peppers on it, though...that much I know for certain.

if transgender for everybody is a consequence of shutting down the government, that’s a deal i’ll have to take

creating my own army of fat people, gays, black people, and women. all the troops are woke and take a break at 2pm every day for tea and snacks, and morale has never been higher

each time I log in to work, I pray there will be some technical issue that prevents me from being able to do my job, but results in me still getting paid for the time. surely this is a sign of a good relationship between me and the company

the video game Disco Elysium features a character named Dolores DEI, therefor I have decided it is woke

happy halloween

congratulations to dunkin donuts for finding the answer to the question "what if hash browns were soggy and also tasted weird?"

the cure to the male loneliness epidemic? that's right, it's taking estrogen

september 30 ... october 1

do I have any local community? no, but I have a back porch I can smoke weed on and these days you've got to make the most of what you've got

maybe we should just shut the government down for good. and then make a new government, maybe one that doesn't suck this time

getting up from the couch, stepping on a dog toy that's been gnawed into razor sharp points, and screaming "YEEEOOWWCH!" like an old-timey cartoon

I want a stressful farming sim. I want a little plot of digital land that doesn't fucking respond to anything I want and the local military junta is threatening my beautiful fat wife unless I provide them with turnips which I fucking hate.

Armstrong: "As history teaches us, the only people who actually deserve peace are those who are willing to wage war to defend it. That's why pacifism is so naive and dangerous."

Developing Depression Era Grandpa Scarcity Mindset but specifically about hoarding disposable vapes that have 5% juice left and having it pay off in spades

a government run by internet trolls, for internet trolls.

Just watched a video of a guy talking about how he was big into Slipknot when he was younger. He used the phrase “I was riding hard for the knot back then” 🫢

reminder that the US military has the largest carbon footprint of any institution on the planet

it’s burger time

"one man's trash is another man's pleasure" - guy who fucks garbage, probably

eating an extremely mediocre bagel from the grocery store: "this is just like new yawk! just like da big city."

It is actually peak absurdity that we still have people arguing that voters should bend to the positions of their political representatives instead of the other way around.

hi im MrBeast and this is the trolley problem

no guys look, it's actually a good thing that EA is going private and will be falling into $20 billion of debt! it will inspire them to retain staff, pursue making great games, and only offering fair and reasonable microtransactions in new titles. there's no way this ends poorly!🙃

computer is good, apps are evil, and while their intent is neutral screens are not safe to touch, the only pure way of interacting with software is through the interdiction of a keyboard and mouse, or trackball if you're working with truly cursed but powerful software, like SAP

spongebob squarepants is unrealistic because there's no way anyone could afford rent on a whole house with a part-time fast food job wage

going for snacks after bedtime

ummm that's not a sandwich, that's my gamer fuel

she's a 10 but she's a bottom that refuses to stop eating taco bell

"wait, does the billing address have to match the address we have on file with the bank?" - person who makes exponentially more money than me

getting fired from my job as a scheming vizier, but little do they know that was actually part of my scheme from the very beginning

you can restore your Hunger and Thirst gauges by pressing "X" to consume your equipped Food or Drink, but be careful! doing so will fill your Bathroom gauge, and if it fills up completely you will piss or shit yourself and have to restart from your last save.

every day is a new lesson in the mindset of "we're cooked, yet we must persist"

if anyone needs help figuring out some good builds in Hades II, this guide has tons of good info! also includes general/combat tips and is a useful read for anyone who wants to better understand weapon/boon synergies