A man who calls women piggies and brags about grabbing them by the pussy would never abuse underage ones with his buddy he emails all the time.

Went to a parent-teacher conference for one kid, then sprinted out of there to pick up the other kid for a dentist appointment. Two filled cavities later, I'm printing out forms for a kid's passport renewal appointment tomorrow, 8:30 a.m., sharp. You even dad, bruh?

Denver Town - this show is next Saturday, 11/22, and tickets are flying. This show is going to rule. Get tickets now before they vanish into thin air, like a lone Canada goose, honking mournfully behind the clouds. dice.fm/event/oer3b5...

Today, in St. Louis, an old Lyft driver in a Cardinals jacket and hat picked me up. We talked baseball and he got so excited telling me about Bob Gibson he missed a turn. Homeboy whipped a U-turn across three lanes, said, "more than one way to skin a cat, jack!" then gave me a high five. 5 stars.

Feels like a really good night to watch, "20 Years In Comedy and All I Got Was This Lousy Special." Just sayin' www.youtube.com/watch?v=LaEV...

From Slaveholders to Pedophiles: Welcome to the Hall of American Presidents!

St. Louis! Listen to my buddy Ben Hochman! He knew the Rockies were garbage before anyone! See you tomorrow!

Free meter parking?!?! Thanks for killing all those Nazis, grandpa!

Had a benign lipoma removed yesterday. Otherwise known as a fatty tumor. I've officially reached the old dog part of life.

Not trying to flex but I ate soup twice today. Ole Johnny Two Soups over here.

Zohran Mamdani went to Bowdoin. I got into Bowdoin, but chose to go to Wesleyan, because it seemed like a better fit for me, and not for nothing it was ranked higher than Bowdoin at the time. The point is I could be mayor of New York City.

I voted for a tax hike to make school meals free for all kids because it's the right thing to do, and because my son has been sneaking me churros in his backpack.

Say what you will about Dick Cheney, but he was an absolute smoke-show all the way to the end.

Really proud of the monthly essays I'm writing on my Substack. If you're a fan of my writing, think you'll really like these. Check it out. Subscribe. And for god's sake, tell someone in Connecticut. adamcaytonholland.substack.com/p/grown-ups-...

Another Halloween come and gone, the city sidewalks a river of discarded Almond Joys.

Pressed the Peacock app instead of the Peloton app and now it's three years later and I weigh 750lbs.

Love it when the Dodgers are in the World Series because you get to see all the celebrities enjoying their first baseball game!

New Grawlix Sketch just dropped. Featuring Ben Roy, Andrew Orvedahl ,and Rory Scovel! Give it a spin, and share! www.youtube.com/watch?v=RtvE...

Calling this. Aaron Gordon. All Star. And they bring him back for the dunk contest, and they give him the W, like a long-neglected director who finally wins an Oscar, but not for their best movie. And the finals is him and Cooper Flagg. And Cooper Flagg wins next year.

Denver Township! Grawlix tonight! Alex Kaufman, Janae Burris, with headliner Amy Miller! Plus a new sketch video, and new sets from them Grawlix boys. This one is going to rip. Get tix now! thegrawlix.ticketsauce.com/e/grawlix1025

Chauncey Billups is the King of Park Hill. But I was voted First Runner Up. And in the event that he can't fulfill his duties...

Happy Opening Day of the Denver Nuggets 2025-2026 Championship Season to all who celebrate!

Anyone on here live in Houston? Anyone on here live in Houston and interested in coming to my comedy show, at Secret Group, this Thursday?! We shall see. We. Shall. See. Let any interested Houston heads you know know, and hope to see you there! www.eventbrite.com/e/adam-cayto...

Think the reason we bailed our Argentina is so these nazis can hide out there in three years?

Finally saw Sinners six months after it came out, on an airplane, the way Ryan Coogler intended.

Grawlix! 10/25 with the homey Amy Miller headlining! This one is a ripper. I don't care who knows it. Get tix now! thegrawlix.ticketsauce.com/e/grawlix1025

Today, Salem, Mass. Tomorrow, Burlington, Vermont. Specifically, Vermont Comedy Club. Tickets for Friday and Saturday remain. Snag them now, and tell your Vermont folk! www-vermontcomedyclub-com.seatengine.com/events/114061

Sure, Adam. Make plans on a Monday night, three months from now. You let me know how that works out for you.

My tombstone will read: He always hated when people parked directly in front of his house.

St. Louis! Heading your way for Flyover Comedy Festival, November 13-14! www.flyovercomedyfest.com/tickets#cale...

ChatGPT! If I post a selfie in front of this mural will I fell less dead inside?

Any Vermonters following me on here? Any Burlingtonians?! Sound off! I'm at the Vermont Comedy Club October 17-18! Tell any friends and get those tickets! I didn't do Riyadh! And I never will! www-vermontcomedyclub-com.seatengine.com/events/114061

Said this for years on the PDP and elsewhere. This should be THE job that makes someone a baseball legend. Unfortunately there’s never been a structure to support that person/team in being able to truly go at it. We’ll see if the next hire is a serious one, but Rockies fans are right to be skeptical

Things are so fucked Bill Maher sounds reasonable.

Out here. Substacking. Give it a read! Share, subscribe! It doesn't suck. Promise. adamcaytonholland.substack.com/p/esteemed-c...

Real psyched for this show tomorrow. Get tix now! www.denvercomedyunderground.com/shows/329453

Found myself at a comedy after party arguing over which state produced the most dinosaur fossils and I'm just really happy with where my head is at right now.

Last night after my show I went for a milkshake then went home and slept. I've officially entered my "Christian teen" phase of comedy.

There are two - TWO! - blue cyber trucks in my neighborhood. How I wonder about them. Do they know of each other's existence? Do they commune, late at night? Do they know the men driving them are fundamentally broken? How I wonder. Yet the answers never come.

Omaha! Saturday, 9/27! Tiny House Bar! Omaha Comedy Festival! Love to see you there! www.exploretock.com/tinyhousebar...

Pfft. I blast like six lines of Tylenol every time I go to the gym and I've never benched more in my life.

Siri! Alternate timeline where we elect Bernie in 2016! Siri! Siri?!

TONIGHT! Kyle Kinane at the Paramount! Do not miss! But before that, how about some Those Who Can't action? At the Hi-Dive at 5 p.m. Then after Kyle, how about a Movie Night with me and Ben Roy and Rory Scovel? 11 p.m. Hi-Dive. HIGH PLAINS! FREE SPEECH!

Sometimes my iTunes will play a Jeff Tweedy song, and then shuffle to a Jay Farrar song, and I'm like my god, the balls.

The following is a statement from the WGA on ABC’s decision to pull ‘Jimmy Kimmel Live!’

Could someone please get Billy Bob Thornton some product for his hair?

Every sports radio team is one disagreement away from beating each other to death.

My grandpa fought in WWII. I lose my shit when I get a free hotel off rewards points.

The High Plains Comedy Festival is in six days. SIX DAYS! Only ten festival passes left. Individual show tickets are starting to fly. Get everything now before it's too late! Here's my schedule of shows: www.highplainscomedyfestival.com/adam-cayton-...

Today I learned a buckeye is also called a horse chestnut and, Ohio, I'm never going back.