Said this for years on the PDP and elsewhere. This should be THE job that makes someone a baseball legend. Unfortunately there’s never been a structure to support that person/team in being able to truly go at it. We’ll see if the next hire is a serious one, but Rockies fans are right to be skeptical

Things are so fucked Bill Maher sounds reasonable.

Out here. Substacking. Give it a read! Share, subscribe! It doesn't suck. Promise. adamcaytonholland.substack.com/p/esteemed-c...

Real psyched for this show tomorrow. Get tix now! www.denvercomedyunderground.com/shows/329453

Found myself at a comedy after party arguing over which state produced the most dinosaur fossils and I'm just really happy with where my head is at right now.

Last night after my show I went for a milkshake then went home and slept. I've officially entered my "Christian teen" phase of comedy.

There are two - TWO! - blue cyber trucks in my neighborhood. How I wonder about them. Do they know of each other's existence? Do they commune, late at night? Do they know the men driving them are fundamentally broken? How I wonder. Yet the answers never come.

Omaha! Saturday, 9/27! Tiny House Bar! Omaha Comedy Festival! Love to see you there! www.exploretock.com/tinyhousebar...

Pfft. I blast like six lines of Tylenol every time I go to the gym and I've never benched more in my life.

Siri! Alternate timeline where we elect Bernie in 2016! Siri! Siri?!

TONIGHT! Kyle Kinane at the Paramount! Do not miss! But before that, how about some Those Who Can't action? At the Hi-Dive at 5 p.m. Then after Kyle, how about a Movie Night with me and Ben Roy and Rory Scovel? 11 p.m. Hi-Dive. HIGH PLAINS! FREE SPEECH!

Sometimes my iTunes will play a Jeff Tweedy song, and then shuffle to a Jay Farrar song, and I'm like my god, the balls.

The following is a statement from the WGA on ABC’s decision to pull ‘Jimmy Kimmel Live!’

Could someone please get Billy Bob Thornton some product for his hair?

Every sports radio team is one disagreement away from beating each other to death.

My grandpa fought in WWII. I lose my shit when I get a free hotel off rewards points.

The High Plains Comedy Festival is in six days. SIX DAYS! Only ten festival passes left. Individual show tickets are starting to fly. Get everything now before it's too late! Here's my schedule of shows: www.highplainscomedyfestival.com/adam-cayton-...

Today I learned a buckeye is also called a horse chestnut and, Ohio, I'm never going back.

If there's one thing we know for certain, social media will fix this.

If you're keeping your butter in your refrigerator, you're absolutely blowing it. SOMEONE GET THIS CLIP TO THOMAS KELLER #cooking #kitchenhacks #TopChef www.youtube.com/shorts/VrXpi...

A wood stork?! In Colorado?! Believe dat. Got my eyes on THE BIRDING EVENT of the season. Video here. open.substack.com/pub/adamcayt...

my method for dealing with mosquito bites is unparalleled. scratch until it bleeds. problem solved.

Trump was never fucking minors. He was undercover, fucking minors.

So excited to play @vtcomedy.bsky.social I had the homey @geofftice.bsky.social make a poster, and he crushed it! As always! Know anyone in Vermont? Send them my way. Looking for an excuse to leaf-peep? Let this be it! October 17-18! www-vermontcomedyclub-com.seatengine.com/events/114061

Got a fancy barista frother to use it home, but I sculpt a middle finger in the foam of my coffee every morning, so I never forget where I came from.

Not many people know how good of friends me and Jay Leno are. We go for long drives in the country often. In his classic cars. How we laugh together! How Jay Leno and I laugh.

EVERYONE STFU I JUST GOT AN EMAIL ABOUT IMPORTANT UPDATES TO SPOTIFY'S TERMS

Cobb salads are great because they're like, "Look, you're going to have to eat some lettuce, but these fourteen meats are going to hold your hand the entire way."

Furry convention and a bunch of drunk Cubs fans in downtown Denver. Gonna be some freaky shit going down in LoDo tonight.

Republicans: Don't Tread On Me. But Do Tread On Them.

Chicago! Lincoln Lodge! This Wednesday! Slip inside the eye of your mind with me. www.eventbrite.com/e/adam-cayto...

I'm "Don't Accept Harry Potter As Valid Pop Culture" years old.

Getting more and more into jazz. But like, chill jazz. Not that frantic, hysterical jazz, where everybody just plays faster and harder until they pass out and fall over, and all the people applaud and leave, and then the guy sweeping up isn't even sure if the entire band is dead or alive.

All I know is if Trump removes the perfect comedy set of mine that the Smithsonian has been safe-keeping to teach future generations about stand-up I'm going to lose my fucking shit.

Been banging my AI shrink but T-Psych-XRT20 says it's not a conflict of interest and that I should kill all humanoids.

Not a lot of people know this about me but I'm pretty horny for justice.

At a Wilco concert this past weekend, a man held up his phone, for an entire song, so this woman could watch on FaceTime, and we just watched her watch, and I haven't been the same since.

Total at coffeeshop was $19.98, and I said, "That's the year I graduated high school," and the barista looked down at her feet, and the entire place went quiet, then a tumbleweed blew through, and I felt winter in my bones.

In what is HARDLY an endorsement of their efficacy, the hardware store down the street is closed due to a power outage. Hmph. And thus concludes another installment of Adam Cayton-Holland's Haughty Neighborhood Takes.

Pedophile attacks Washington D.C. Again.

Rode the train from the airport to Denver today. It was full of happy baseball fans, excited to go to Coors Field. Realized it's because the Savannah Bananas are in town.

Chicago! Tickets are moving for this! Only eight left. Snatch 'em up before they're gone! Lincoln Lodge. 8/27 www.eventbrite.com/e/adam-cayto...

Chicago! Coming your way for one show only, August 27th. Then I'm seeing Oasis the next day. Huzzah! Liam and Noel, if you're in town a day early, I'll put you on the list. No problem, mates. www.eventbrite.com/e/adam-cayto...

Billionaires buy people to play games with balls then we talk about whether they bought the right people or not.

Good times await on the ole Substack. If you're not a subscriber, what are you waiting for? New essay every month, and I keep you up to speed on all my upcoming shows. One email a month. That's it. Please enjoy my latest offering! adamcaytonholland.substack.com/p/augst

NYC Subway stops but announced by Matt Berninger of The National

Bread Bar! Silver Plume! Come see a show in a Colorado treasure. August 23rd. Tiny venue, limited tix. thegrawlix.ticketsauce.com/e/bread0825

Corduroy baseball cap in 100 degree Texas heat?! Check!