Unforeseen consequence of fascism is it’s forcing me to defend Jimmy Kimmel

Every day at 6:30am I take a little 3 mile walk, and every day I walk past a house that absolutely reeks of marijuana smoke, and lemme tell you only one of us is doing life right and it sure as shit isn’t me

I’m going to have as much empathy for Charlie Kirk getting shot as he does for innocent children who are victims of gun violence

Not surviving, not thriving, some other third thing. (Spiraling)

The Taylor Swift engagement is huge news for my community (annoying white women)

I’ve started responding “pretty bad” when people ask how I’m doing, and that’s why I’m the most fun person at parties

Y’all ever feel like you’re being suffocated by the heaviness of all the horrors in our nightmare world but in, like, a sexy way

Oopsie once again accidentally built a following on a platform that doesn’t have monetization, I’m so good at the internet

The worst thing about being middle aged is realizing you’re only halfway done with this bullshit

Men who are publicly mourning Hulk Hogan on social media should be put on a registry

Have I ever actually used a pocket in a dress, No. But am I going to stop getting irrationally excited about a dress having pockets, also No

Bad news everyone I’m hot and mean again

So you think the US will make it to her 250th birthday or nah

Called the liquid that first comes out of a ketchup bottle “pre-cum” and now this family barbecue is super awkward

People who aren’t depressed right now, like, actually what the fuck

The good news is I’ve finally weaned off all my post op pain meds so my mind is clear and I can focus on things other than myself again, and the bad news is my mind is clear and I can focus on things other than myself again

Honestly I thought hell would have less bombs and more orgies 🤷🏼‍♀️

Every day of 2025 has felt like the longest day of the year, so no Becky, I’m not excited for the solstice.

*remembers that people love it when you take an interest in their hobbies* Soo, what’s it like being a complete dipshit?

I would like just one morning where I read the news and don’t think “what a disappointing day to be an American”

Always the wrong people getting assassinated

Hi fam! To offset some of the (staggering) cost of my spine surgery I’m selling some really good items from my personal collection (designer clothes & bags, vintage pieces, fine jewelry) on Poshmark. Check it out & please @ me if you want something so I can give you a good deal❤️ posh.mk/upeZK5cGSTb

I keep seeing people complain that Bluesky is dead but I’m getting 100s of new followers a day so maybe y’all should just try doing better posts idk

For the past 5 nights I have dreamt about a different ex boyfriend from various points in my life, and the only reasonable explanation for this ghosts of Christmas past nonsense is obviously that a witch has put a curse on me

Turns out when I prayed for the president to get cancer I should have been more specific

My neighbors’ teenagers are having a party and I can hear them yelling, breaking bottles and blasting absolutely filthy music, and I’m positively livid that I wasn’t invited

The only social media I’ve been consuming is Handbag Reddit because reading posts by rich people upset that tariffs are raising prices on luxury designer goods is more soothing than whatever *gestures around* this is

Saw the cutest toddler eating pizza with her mom and felt the deep, primal ache of a woman who wants refined carbs of her very own.

It cracks me up when someone tells me the love of a dog is nothing like the love of a child. It’s, like, duh I know that, I’m not stupid. A dog would never grow up and call me a bitch to my face.

Started my post spine surgery physical therapy and when asked what my goal was I told them I “wanted to get back to being an absolute menace,” but in my chart it said “patient wants to rebuild strength,” the medical system is such bullshit

Gonna start calling the police to report a violent crime when someone I just met asks how old I am

I’ve gotten a bunch of new followers recently (no idea why) and it’s so exciting to have a whole new crop of people to disappoint, welcome to the family bbs

If you needed one more sign that the world is collapsing today I bought crocs

Our democracy was so cute while it lasted

This season of the United States sucks ass. Convoluted plot lines, hacky writing, repetitive themes, ZERO likable characters. Simultaneously tedious and stressful. No fucking thank you. Someone tell me when it’s over so I know when to tune back in

Babe stop crashing out, you’re acting like this this is your first total economic collapse

You know how when you hear a word too many times in one day it starts to lose any meaning, anyways I think “Tariff” would be a beautiful name for a baby born in 2025

The single best thing I’ve done on this app was to limit replies to people who follow me because now my mentions only make me want to throw my phone in ocean twice a day instead of a hundred times

Honestly this kind of drama is exactly why I no longer participate in group chats

I honestly don’t know how people that don’t use spite as a their primary motivating factor ever get anything done

Someone told me today that I “turn being sick and miserable into an art form” and honestly it’s about time that my creative genius was properly recognized

It cracks me up when someone tells me the love of a dog is nothing like the love of a child. It’s, like, duh I know that, I’m not stupid. A dog would never grow up and call me a bitch to my face.

If I were a man, I would just shut up

Probably bad that the only way to be happy is to not pay attention

"Just be yourself " You mean the thing that ruined my life?

For those asking, my surgery recovery is going shockingly well. Was doing 5K steps a day 2 days post op, off narcotics on day 4, surgical site is tender/lots of muscle soreness, but feel better than I have since the initial injury. Gonna be evil again in no time. TY for all the well wishes/support!

Sorry I haven’t been posting much lately, my dad told me I’m magnificent and now I don’t need y’all’s validation anymore

Sure sex is great, but have you ever washed your hair for the first time after major surgery???

My tip for not letting politics upset you is to injure your back so badly that you literally can’t get off the floor for 4 months due to debilitating pain, finally get desperately needed spine surgery and get prescribed enough narcotics to put down a rhino 😎