[watching the Olympics, mouth full of chicken tenders] FASTER, YOU PIECE OF SHIT

you’re vegan? that’s nice. i’m not but people hate me too

When we were kids you didn’t care what someone’s generation was called if they were old enough to get you beer or weed.

being passionate for someone simply by way of the essence of that person >>>

i always take the high road it's the best place to drop rocks on people

When I stop at a crosswalk to let you go. I expect to see some hustle. Knees to chest bitch

Grandpa died as he lived: hiding in the neighbor's trash can for the lols

I am the hamburger of helpers.

Missed connection. It's just as well.

Me: *looking at an antique rocking chair* I like this. What do you think? I might get it. Son: Annnnnd now we're haunted. Again.

As a kid drugs hadn't been invented yet, instead we were warned of CANDY FROM STRANGERS, which meant every morning I had a butterfinger candy bar for breakfast given to me by a nameless old man.

Twenty thousand colleagues under the sea

I’d say my house decor is going for meth house raided by cops chic.

You only live once, unless you're some sort of time wizard bear monstrosity, I guess.

Everything is dumb EX-specially me.

I woke up on the wrong side of the dead.

I just got cold-called by a cemetery. What do they know??

My monolith brings all the druids to my yard.

Of course my clothes are black, sometimes it’s about sending a message.

A walking conglomeration of every song I’ve heard, book I’ve ever read, and likely some of the lies I was told.

For me, being a patriot just means mastering the art of great American pot roasts.

Wait are all my posts about alcohol

Pulls out an array of my finest skeets* Surely, there is something here that’s your size

Goodmorning, the world is destroying itself, yet somehow life is beautiful.

If I learned one thing in English class about non sequiturs, it’s that money doesn’t grow on trees.

your emails will never find me, copper! mehhh, see? *Tommy gun noises

Just call me Wizard of Idiot because I'm chock full of obscure references and stupid jokes

I can't help feeling I could have done more with my angry years.

you had me at “double fisting”

For someone who doesn’t like heights I sure spend a lot of time on the edge of a financial cliff.

if fucking around led to finding anything useful out “high school drop out” would be a resume achievement

I heard my son watching porn in his room, so I casted a YouTube video of a church sermon onto his tv.

me, whispering: lefty loosy, righty tighty... him, distracted from his handjob: why tf do you keep saying that

don’t tag me, i’m allergic

Someone actually did read one of my weekend skeets once. True story.