souvenir gifts for others because nothing says “I thought of you in this cool place I wanted to go to get away from you” like some clutter

that moment when you start to reply in a DM to someone you’ve casually chatted with on social a few times and realize what you’re saying is too weird, like level 10 high af together friend weird and you immediately start hitting <x] <x] <x] <x] hoping they weren’t just watching the … wiggle

It’s almost as if we have a congress that didn’t live through the 80s. Wolverines!!

imagine if you will, jumping on the internet to complain about a book assigned to your child to read in high school because the book mentions gender, and now imagine you’re so ignorant you call your child your daughter whilst complaining

It’s okay to be sad. I mean, just look around.

You can just call it mahi. The second mahi is implied.

from my current read

I’m a grown up. I do what I want. Is that ok with everyone?

I’ve become aware my “saving a perfectly good jar” is my version of my mother‘s saving a “Country Crock butter tub” and now I’m questioning all my life choices.

Wondering when health insurance CEOs will get priced out of their own life insurance.

I’m sorry, but if your video game was made after 1992, I am not interested in learning how to play it.

Novel idea: how about instead of calling every day Black Friday now we just call it November.

15: I found a great song. Do you want to hear it? M: Absolutely. 15: It’s called “Everybody Wants to Rule the World” by Tears for Fears. M: *sings the entire song at the top of my lungs & dances around the living room* 15: Okay. I don’t like the song anymore.

Will be making my best effort to be more present and engaged here on bluesky and- *distracted by butterfly*

Me, to all my twitter mutuals who don’t follow me back on bluesky:

sometimes I think about how mom struggled to put food on the table and how dad told me to stop tripping her

look, all I'm asking for is a little faith, a little trust, to believe in me, to see my humanity, and $40

Can't wait for all my new followers to realise "shitposter" means "any old shit", and - more importantly - "absolute shit".

When you order your aircraft from Temu

Who would’ve guessed playing opposite day as a kid would provide the most real world, adult work experience.

Don't you hate it when you're having really hot sex . . . then you wake up.

Everyone says honesty is a virtue, until you're honest with them. Then you're an asshole.

🎶 I'm starting with the man in the mirror🎶 Me: *turns to mirror Man in the Mirror: You may want to try a salad.

Do social media like it's a hobby, not a job.

Be safe and have fun! And if you can only do one… have fun.

*climbs out onto my metal roof to watch the storm roll in*

hear me out: pressure-wash-able kitchens and bathrooms just spray it all & down a floor drain it goes

when you zig I’ll zag just kidding I zigged too because I wanted a hug

one day someone will call you young and it will be the last time you ever hear it

Your 20s are a wild time because people your own age will look you dead in the eye and say they can’t date you because you don’t drink coffee but then someone in an older generation will ask you when you’re going to settle down and start a family.

Fun fact, you can’t discover a new band until a few weeks after they played a concert in your city.

the maker of the rulers is the greatest beneficiary of the rules

I don’t always remember this app exists but when I do I post a few times before I forget again.

as long as I can laugh at my own jokes I’ll never mind my time alone

I’d rather watch a ceremony about which graduates NASA drafts.

It's not me, it's my multi generational trauma.

it’s March, of course there’s been an escalation to the madness

If you pay for twitter and then post on Bluesky can I suggest therapy for your next platform.

I'll never understand why people would spend $80k on a brand new giant pickup truck when they don't even come with turn signals.

the sluttiest thing a man can do is die and leave u alone

listening to a song chasing a feeling that no longer exists

I hope whoever buys TikTok moves the home button.

seeing someone comment “there is alot I don’t know” leads to thinking, like how to spell a lot

Oh, so you’re a people please? But have you tried admitting you’re a people?

TV has taught me anything it’s if I’m ever surrounded by a bunch of doctors while they’re randomly just living life and we’re on an airplane, a bus, hiking, or do anything not medically related I need to get the heck out of there before they end up needing to save my life.

This is seriously the worst goddam apocalypse, like, get this shit over with already for fucks sake.

replies “stop” to opt out if marketing texts company: hahaha fuck you, here’s 1 more text