Our primary program will include both the House and Senate. And after the primary — whatever happens — we will rally behind the winner and crush the regime electorally in the midterms just like we did this last week. We get the party we demand and we intend to demand a Democratic Party that fights.

ice cubes are ridiculous. like yeah lemme just get a piece of water

I made a “how do you do, fellow kids?” joke to someone in their mid 20s who, it turns out, was too young to have heard of that meme. So “how do you do, fellow kids?” is now an example of “how do you do, fellow kids?”

(inventing the bloody mary) yeah sure, whatever. let's go with that

In a waiting room and they have the news on and they were talking about People’s Sexiest Man Alive and showed the guy and the lady behind me just said, completely devoid of emotion, “he is sexy”

Special congrats to my microwave who has been wrong for six months but is now back to actually telling the time

Donald Trump's approval rating in our tracker has fallen to -18, the lowest it has ever been (lower than any point in his first term) www.economist.com/interactive/...

all my bad posts are retroactively off the record

The event organizers say 7m people showed up. That would mean ~1 out of every 50 Americans came out to protest the president

We're going to win.

i have information that will lead to the arrest of the government

“You’re making everyone here uncomfortable.” “I’m Andrew Cuomo. That’s my brand!”😆 More epic Cuomo trolling here. (H/T @climatedefiance.bsky.social )

Simple, tasty fall treat recipe. You're welcome.

Me doing something wrong 5 seconds ago: “That was a youthful indiscretion. I’m older now.”

this man's marriage would not exist if not for a previous generation of people marching for their rights.

oh god no, they leaked my groupchats. now everyone will know I'm an unproblematic sweetie

ME: Now Mom, just remember, there's a lot of disinformation and AI in your social feed and your friends' Facebook. MOM: I know! My friend sent me this crazy post where someone used AI to make an image of a giant frog fighting Army troops! ME: ... okay, no, that one's ... goddamit, Portland.

shit ain’t over til it’s over

I'm not sure about this branding but I'm not the billionaire business genius

The problem with that "First they came for" poem is it makes a lot of unlikely assumptions. For example it assumes they would ever come for me

Larry Tesler, inventor of the cut, copy, and paste commands, dies at 74. Larry Tesler, inventor of the cut, copy, and paste commands, dies at 74. Larry Tesler, inventor of the cut, copy, and paste commands, dies at 74.

What's your secret to being online all the time without contracting computer madness? For me it's being pure of heart

true blueskyism has never been tried

Millennials are the largest generation in the U.S. today. Even Gen X will outnumber the Boomers by 2028. Please update your political conventional wisdom accordingly.

Aubrey Plaza is actually a nepo baby. I imagine ur familiar with her father, Rockefeller

(interrupting small child singing) Yeah, i know what a teapot looks like, thanks

This shit is bananas

i don't want jon stewart to run for president. not because i particularly like or dislike him or think he'd do a good or bad job- rather because i believe it is vital to the national interest that we hand executive power directly from a boomer to a millennial

"Bluesky is dying" Oh yeah? Then explain why this GIF always does numbers.

The paparazzi should photograph animal actors. I want to know what they’re up to.

Today's young people have no idea how to react when I suddenly start running at them

"did you finish that Abraham Lincoln statue for the courthouse?" "yessir and I made him real fuckin sexy like an underwear model just like you wanted." "....what"