You guys think you're punk? Me and @chipchantry.bsky.social will show you punk. New punk af Junk Miles episode drops tonight.

working on some Bovino jokes, i'll try to keep them short

Imagine living in a country where this is the big headline www.bbc.com/news/article...

I'm not looking forward to the next Great Depression, but there is something badass about walking down a country road while wearing a tattered suit.

Please remember to thank the worst people in your family and the dumbest people from your high school for voting for this.

But what if there was a MATRIX in the GLITCH …………………..anyway, these CutCo Knives are all high-carbon stainless steel AND dishwasher safe.

Imagine saving up two bits in 1923 just to get a decent haircut, and your barbers just stand around harmonizing the whole goddamn time. The past was awful.

Well, I've done what I could. -Went to the grocery store to stock up -Got my shovel & salt ready to go -Pulled my boots out of the closet -Prayed to Gornoth, Overlord of Snowfall -Painted front of my house with raccoon blood -Lit ceremonial fires on my roof -Picked up marshmallows for hot cocoa

Got an iPhone update and I can't stand the format. I feel like my grandmom when the grocery store would change where the bread was.

Where are the heroes that are going to save this country? Where is Slap Maxwell?

If you have an embarrassing or harrowing vacation story, or just an embarrassing story in general that would cause you to NEED a vacation, call in to The Sunburnt Podcast. Leave a message with your story- leave your name or keep it anonymous! 310.845.6038

It's weird how doing the German accent when yelling "SHOW ME YOUR PAPERS" is now a think of the past.

Before, you used to have to use genealogy to find out if your family had Nazis in it. Now, you can just use Facebook.

GOOSE = HAWKINS GEESE = THE UPSIDE DOWN

They should call it a raccoon shot.

There's no better feeling than getting a fresh tetanus shot, knowing that for the next couple of years you can just carelessly REACH INTO DUMPSTERS AND FISH AROUND.

Trump is taking over Venezuela because he likes siestas.

Well, now I guess I’m NEVER going to be able to start that commune in Guyana.

The only way that the Trump Kennedy Center could be doing worse business would be if we let the President put slot machines and craps tables on the floor.

2025 ACCOMPLISHMENTS: -Formed Harvey Danger tribute act -Disbanded Harvey Danger tribute act -"New Adventures of Old Christine" tattoo removed -Declared legally dead thrice -Fannypacked through Delaware -Settled out of court w/ Harlem Globetrotters -Avoided scromiting altogether -Outlived Hulk Hogan

I cried when I had no shoes, but stopped crying when I saw those videos of couples who constantly prank each other on Tik Tok.

2026 Goals.

I wish there was a Dabney B. Coleman like how there’s a Michael B. Jordan

Gonna be honest: There are lot fewer Dabneys walking around than I hoped there would be.

THE BIRDS ARE PHONING IN THEIR WAY TO THE SUPER BOWL!!!

I hope I have time to accomplish both of my New Year’s resolutions: to get my awful neighbor to move out, and to learn to play the saxophone.

Whenever I see an Emergen-C ad come up, I get excited for a second, and I just figured out why.

Watching all my favorite Christmas movies this week

This is basically how my Christmas went.

I love how show business people sometimes give secret signals to their loved ones, like when Carol Burnett would tug on her ear as a loving message to her grandmother, or when GG Allin would

When you see your parents this Christmas, please tell them that you love them. Also, tell them to s”email me the last four digits of their Social Security number, so I can check an issue with their back accounts.

BESURETODRINKYOUREPSTEINFILES

There's nothing in the rulebook that says a dog CAN'T be implicated in the Epstein files!

Greatest gameshow episode ever. youtu.be/G52GprHu8HQ?...

2026 STAND UP DATES Jan 14: Trump Kennedy Center Jan 16-18 Trump's Chuckle Hut Jan 23: Trump Laugh Lounge Feb 2-4 Captain Nutsy's Trump Ha Ha Hut Feb 9: Trump Jokerz Joint Feb 15-16 Bonzo's Trump Joke Hole Feb 23: Trump Snicker Shack and Hookah Lounge Mar 5: The Confetti Bucket Trump Comedy Theatre

REPORTER: Sir, the city has a budget deficit of $12 million. Violent crime is skyrocketing, businesses are shuttering, there is mass corruption, and poverty is at an all-time high. What do you say to all of this? MAYOR OF PARADISE CITY: Well, the girls are pretty. And the grass is REALLY green.

I want Christmas to be the way it USED TO be. That’s why I went to the toy store tonight, punched an old lady and took her Cabbage Patch doll.

NO, INTERNET, I am NOT buying my wife a bird feeder with a camera inside of it. Please stop.

Well, unless a miracle happens in the next two days, I'm financially ruined. I don't want to point fingers, but "culture" today is dead. I just can't BELIEVE that for Christmas this year, children do not want action figures from the 1986 hit NBC sitcom The Hogan Family.

Oh, it's the SOLSTICE! THAT'S why I'm feeling so devilish today!

If Donald Trump is not trustworthy and responsible, then WHY was he listed as Jeffrey Epstein’s emergency contact?

If I’m asked for my ID to get into a bar at all this month, I’m just going to show the bouncer how many times I’ve been sent the video of if “‘Twas the Night Before Christmas” was performed by the band Cake.

Hey- did you guys hear about God and the sinners? Yeah- they reconciled!

GAMESHOW PITCH: STACHE FOR CASH: Photos are shown of men with handlebar mustaches, and contestants must guess if these men's political leanings are EXTREME RIGHT or EXTREME LEFT.

The new "Good Good Things" newsletter has dropped. It is filled with holiday delights, so if you want to be delighted, this is probably the best place to go. Thanks for reading and sharing this past year, my cursed Santa doll and I really appreciated it. www.gojeffgo.com/good-good-th...

Just got a job as a venture capitalist. If any of you have some capital that needs venturing, let me know. I will venture your capital. This is LinkedIn, right?

JAMES HESKY, Ladies and gentlemen:

Character actors in the '40s & '50s had the best names. Every frame of movie credits were like Sheriff Perkins............... LOINS PROPPER Jack McKee................... HUNK LeNOY Artie................................ SANDWICH REYNOLDS Little Mack...................... PUDGE WILLIS