When you have an amazing front nine… but then you blow a 42.

“You think I don’t LOVE this country??? Bring me a former president.”

BREAKING: Trump Drops Down on Meat

welcome back. if you're just joining us, nazis are defending pedophiles

It's so cool that I might be able to get a 50-year mortgage sometime! My parents paid for their first house with the change they found in the seats of their VW Bus.

This game isn't doing much to dispel the idea that "nothing ever happens in Wisconsin".

All throughout my childhood, my mother and father never spoke to each other. Family dinners were silent affairs where you could cut the tension with a knife. I feel awful saying this, but sometimes I wish my parents weren't Shields and Yarnell.

POLL: What’s the second greatest song of all time after “There She Goes” by the La’s?

I saw Dick Cheney walking with the Queen

Shit. Just chased a waterfall.

Okay, WE GET IT, baseball.

My life goal is to someday live in a lighthouse. But if that doesn't work, I'll settle for an old Pizza Hut.

Writing a reboot called The Office 2035. It's just 21 minutes of security footage from a server farm in Taiwan.

Just jumped over eight girl dads on my dirt bike.

The Dark Knight < Dark Night of the Scarecrow

Hey fiends, if you need a fangtastic podcast to get you in the Halloween spirit this weekend, treat yourself to our latest episode.

Say what you will about the internet, but it clearly wants my beer belly gone in 14 days.

I love those little free libraries almost as much as I love those little boxes in front of people’s houses where you can take free mail.

Only two weeks until Halloween and my sexy crossing guard outfit is on backorder. Guess I know what I'll be wearing to Thanksgiving.

(Flashes pill bottle to beautiful woman at bar) Pretty sure I’m staying at your place tonight, so I brought my ACID REFLUX MEDICINE just in case.

Has anyone actually SEEN the chamber where they keep all the commerce? I ask the hard hitting questions.

I have that real STAR quality (someday I’m gong to explode.)

Maybe stop bitching about your own little problems for a second and help me find out where my wife hid the goddamn Halloween candy.

My grandfather took every task he ever did seriously- from his first job at 7 years old, until the day he died in that pie fight.

ME: Your honor, I plead GUILTY to being the handsomest man in this town! JUDGE: You got arrested for shoplifting at a yard sale.

I love how when we were kids watching cartoons, a visual punch line would often be something like “Oh hey, that wolf is horny!”

Someone trying to figure out the meaning of the kids' "6-7" is almost as sad and pointless as someone who is trying to figure out the meaning of- you know- life.

Uh Chip…they’re standing right behind you with the prize

It’s fucking bullshit that those assholes in Europe and all you dipshits didn’t award me the Nobel motherfuckin Peace Prize. Fuck all of you assclowns. EAT SHIT

Hey fashion people: What should I wear for an event that is “business professional“? I was going to a department store, but I ended up in this Spirit Halloween.

For Sale: Baby Shoes; NO IRISH.

In lieu of flowers, send nicer flowers.

Diddy gets sentenced to 50 months in prison. This is TERRIBLE. Because now I have to do math.

Jesus was a billionaire.

Now, more than ever, is the time as a nation to Live, Laugh, & Love.

As a nation, right now, we don’t DESERVE a GOOD bunny.

My wife thought I got raptured, but that's RIDICULOUS. I fell down the basement steps on Tuesday, and just woke up.

Wow. “ICE” just autocorrected to “Zod” and my iPhone has never been so correct.

We can now ignore everyone who thought they were getting raptured, so they think it worked. WIN/WIN

When Trump told the UN that "Your countries are going to hell", in the teleprompter it was definitely spelled "You're".

As most of you could guess, my mom took cocaine and handsome pills when she was having me.

Autism: Maybe you're born with it, maybe it CAUSED BY MAYBELLINE.

Autism is caused byyyyyyyyyyyyyyy Mennen.

The best part of waking up is Folgers causing autism.

Autism is caused by keeping the hot side hot and the cool side cool.

Anyone else notice that autism rates have dropped ever since the Noid went into hiding?

Trump links women being taken away to Calgon.

Autism is cause by a combination of purple stuff and Sunny D.

Autism is caused by breaking off a piece of that Kit Kat bar.