random ass rainstorm in oakland today. good morning i guess

beating my dick at chess

i used to be so fit

IM FLUFFY

full of pizza :)

you’re straight? who’s your tire tech, i’ve been needing an alignment…

you’re only happy when it rains? but what about a light mist?

She’s confirmed what we all thought at the time: he couldn’t think straight because he was jacking off behind that lectern

guilty gear strive to the polls

guy who’s in the kitchen for like 4-5 hours a day in a house of 5 people

really sucks that you’re not supposed to massage while sick because wow my back could use some

More and more, these radical thoughts are being eSPOUSEd … @theonion.com

brood swings

please don't vape around my children, we're raising them on marlborough reds.

cock? sure

ough…

🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺

🥺

losing my status as a principled woman (going to watch videos on my phone so i can lay down in bed)

toeing the line kinda

can finally close my bedroom door after louie had his adventure, no one can see me puppy

i think my homunculus is gay

computer. show me youtube poop. at least ten minutes. must feel worse after watching

guy who complains about others not doing enough around the house but also never leaves a job for anyone else ever so that there isn’t anything to do

aughfhfufhusfugfuuchf

I’m sure there’s food worth waiting for but whenever I see some trendy sandwich place that has people standing in line for an hour I just think that Arby’s will hand you a bag of food and you can move on with your life

this bulge got hands. strange

acetaminophen please take effect faster this headache sucks

IF THIS FAG OFFENDS YOU… I’LL HELP YOU PACK!!!

my headache is getting worse and somewhat splitting maybe i should take an acetaminophen

I for one love the idea that to get a man to eat you must bounce and dangle his chicken nuggets in front of him like he’s a cute widdle kitten

little man. this cannot be comfortable for you

he saw it he just didn’t reply at all 😭😭😭

OF COURSE THE REFERRAL GOES THRU AND I GET ASKED FOR AN ONTERVIEW THE DAY AFTER I ACCEPT ANOTHER OFFER

northwest indiana is fine actually, people are just racist

v resentful of the notion that i’m available or eager for sex immediately upon meeting by merit of my being a trans woman

my god i fuess i’m gonna ahve to ping my manager about my email lmfao

ok i wanna vomit maybe i should probably go home

i was able to eat but still feel kinda horrible. kinda tempted to say “heads up i’m going home, feeling increasingly sick, will wfh rest of day after i get back”. then ping my manager “hey did you get my email?”

you know, what *exactly* happens if this is enacted, and after they hit 10m, some swiss citizen gets pregnant. mandatory abortions?

*doing standup at a nursing home in 2065* idk how to actually complete this bit my brain isn’t working right todsy

all of our code is written by horny ghosts in a jar. it’s usually pretty good, some mistakes, but WOW, they need to be milked a lot

im fluffy

HEADACHE

i objectively need to put food in my body bc i ate a small breakfast (one bowl of cereal and half of a banana), but wow, this early sickness nausea is hitting