Oh yeah? I’ll show you! *tries to swallow 3 giant collard leaves raw and chokes to death*

in high school I was voted “most likely to accidentally walk over the edge of the grand canyon before turning to the camera, slow blinking, holding up a sign that says ‘oops’, and falling several hundred feet leaving a hole in the perfect shape of my body”

Someone just sent me this photo from Chicago, unbelieveable

“Don’t fuck this up, Noel,” I say as he immediately fucks it up by comparing her to meth

She’s either lying or violating the confidentiality of a caller (or their helpline doesn’t have a strict confidentiality policy which wouldn’t surprise me given how she’s a vile disgusting excuse for a human) Anyway that black mold in her castle is not working hard enough

The air tastes like burning

maybe I run with weird crowds or something but none of my friends have done this and if I found one did, (a) we would no longer be friends, and (b) [redacted]

The way Adam talks about this you gotta assume he is also a rapist

private equity getting involved in baseball is a horrible horrible thing. however, lol. lmao.

you guys this is the greatest thing ever to have happened

One of the local contractors is a furry I guess

Yesterday’s crash works even better

Saw a post recently calling Amanda Palmer "Steampunk Ghislaine Maxwell."

Newspaper style guides dropped the oxford comma as a way to save money on ink. Print is dead.Oxford comma is non-negotiable

*reading at the slam poetry fest* “when you’re SLIDING in to FIRST and you’re FEELING some THING burst di. a. rhea. cha cha CHA”

I was off taco bell for years after one in northern indiana gave me the runs and my problem was blaming taco bell instead of blaming northern indiana

hey guys help, i cant find planned parenthood

"You come up with a slogan for the ice cream shop?" "Sure did boss, real fuckin haunting just like you asked." "what"

once again saying: Nuremburg trials is the moderate position

Nobody could have possibly seen this coming, holy wah

my favorite dinosaur is the velocirectum

If you’re in the same room with Nick Fuentes, and you’re aware that you are in the same room with Nick Fuentes, I cannot trust your judgment on anything if you didn’t immediately grab him and dunk his shitty little nazi head in a toilet

SLAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR

If Poindexter is so masculine he should be able to name three songs by fuckin’ Slayer!!!

It’s my fault, I’m the far left who told Hillary to pump up trump in the primaries and not make campaign stops in Wisconsin, who told Kamala to make appearances with the Cheneys and sent bill clinton to dearborn to tell everyone that it’s good their families are being killed, I won’t to it again

Astronomers are great because they’ll build a really big telescope and name it “The Really Big Telescope”

Hey Chicago! An ICE contractor is trying to buy our parking meters — and City Council decides whether that happens THIS WEEK. We've got time to stop this, but we need as many people as possible to fight back: tinyurl.com/icepark

Getting Lindsey Graham today feels like the reaper just comped us a round of drinks because our order is taking too long

I can’t imagine the market for an anti-woke dildo shop is very large

Wife: you like that, you dirty boy Me: yeah baby Wife: you nasty little pervert Me: oh yes Wife: you ruiner of dreams Me: what Wife: you destroyer of ambition Me: wait

I’m being told that god sent the Carolina reaper to collect

Lindsey Graham ate the bad lettuce and died of liquid fart

Mainstream Respectable opinion is that people joking about a bad person's death represents a culture of cruelty, but really it represents a culture of impunity. It's a coping mechanism for watching someone do evil their whole life and never seeing consequences

It has been criminally underreported but Kelsey Pfendler has just rowed solo across the Pacific Ocean from the US coast to Hawaii in record time. A 2,400-mile unsupported journey in 43 days, 17 hours, and 55 minutes. Notably beating the Men’s record by 9 whole days.

It’s a big club, and none of us are in it

dwarf fortress combat

diarrhea is just liquid fart when you think about it

Once Upon A Time In Diarrhea

it’s funny as hell they’re making him successfully identify 3 zoo animals every 6 months rather than invoke the 25th amendment

love using a salad spinner. I’m performing fast CPR to bring the lettuce back from wet Hell

so true bestie

Really telling that the ai dipshit’s idea of the artistic process is just googling ideas

i'm so sick of this idea that nobody else but Clinton and Harris knew that Trump is bad

Nah fuck that, we warned her, the same way we’ve always been warning the democrat party of their massive fuckups

Which kind of B**r Drinker are YOU? #beer

its friday its five lets party woo