asking the waiter for his number and then texting him “can i have a refill” two minutes later

the pipi longstocking cinematic universe when

I think it’s very sexy of me to still move with love in a world like this

we have to be able to come here and be stupid we can’t just be sad

not falling for this 2016 trend, nice try fed!!!

i stare at the moon the way you people stare at feet

siri am i a meangirl online

does this not embarrassing them at all

How many vanilla chapsticks can you eat per week

i don't care what you do for fun, tell me what you do for self-loathing

The bean and the jean seam

i wanna be the guy who lies on the scaffolding and smears the schmutz on the ceiling

Is it a slow burn or something more sinister

flirt with me like you want us to co-sign a lease we'll both regret

[to the tune of baby shark] ♪noah’s ark, two two two two two two

Starting a side boob Saturday club, who’s in?

I’m just a girl with a little booty, fairly big boobs, a big brain and a bigger heart

8pm pasta salad dinner

any rough beasts want to smooch towards bethlehem

babe do you have any chapstick

Get in, loser - me, during sex

Low-hanging fruit? Please don't talk about my boobs

Sorry for getting so much cheeto dust on your penis

wdym you’re pulling out do you hate me

My intentions with your mind are purely scientific

My theory is that the willy goes in the fanny

no i’m not “detail oriented” that’s where the devil is

“wanna feel old?” sure brother, i would love to just feel something, anything

sorry i can’t go outside today i am being slowly digested by the blanket monster who lives in my bed

for the record when i complimented your wife earlier my penis was fully flaccid

Making dinner with my left hand, so it feels like someone else is doing it.

I’m not here to steal your crush, I will, it’s just not why I’m here

skis are just white people chopsticks

Any man who wants to start a podcast should have to sit in front of a tribunal of women and plead their case

*boners canceled until further notice*

humpty dumped me

the fomo when your kid skips an advertisement clearly targeted to someone your age

ME: if you add two plus two you get four GOLDFISH: ok ME: what’s two plus two GOLDFISH: i forget ME: correct

every seat in a movie theater should have an "I have to pee" button and if enough people press it they should be able to pause the movie

ME: (doing standup) what's the deal with airplane food AUDIENCE: *crickets* [later] GRASSHOPPER: how was the show CRICKET: oh man that guy was hilarious

we should be able to have AIM-style status messages on here

i miss hanging out with funny people; my bits-per-minute meter is low

dont talk to me or my son or my sons son or my sons sons son ever again

For most of 2026 I’ll be harrumphing

goodnight bsky, i hope you all have vivid sex dreams about your crushes

thinking about growing one of those mustaches with the curly ends but idk if i can handle everyone wanting to have sex with me

Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer is my favorite song about how people will only love you if you're useful.

bill walking around saying: NYEce NYEce