mirror mirror on the wall why's my thigh stuck to my balls

say hello to my little friend absolutely nobody looks surprised when i pull out a wheel of cheese as it should be

[serving you italian fried doughnuts for the first time] say hello to my frittelle, friend

sorry my face reveal crashed the server, i've deleted it now

this website should go down more, on me

bluesky was down? i didn't notice. i was touching grass

the ideal social network never loads at all

cut you off to see if you grow back

i went to the foreshadowing store and nobody knew you... yet.

bluesky is kinda like the mcu except everyone's superpower is depression

I do what I want (dipping animal crackers in yogurt)

They're weaning me off the AI teat at the end of the month.

at rock bottom do y’all want anything

a bag of m&ms marked as "family size" is a social construct

If I ever got stuck in quicksand I’d act like I was slowly walking downstairs

i can’t believe i’m not butter

I wanna be as useless as the Door Close button in an elevator

humanity started going backwards when drivers stopped giving the thank you wave

(Touching his circumcision scar) you know they control the banks too

god forbid a French rat live out his dream of becoming a chef on a cruiseship

The gap in my resume? Thats where Jesus carried me

people always say they want someone funny and then wonder why they get someone damaged

my heart, my spleen, lick my testes and my ween

My kink is you telling me that you’re proud of me

unlocking a bonus circle of dante's inferno that's all instagrammable moments

it's funny that men are so into history but can't remember anything that you like or believe or said

guys what are your thoughts

very cool they made a pro sports league based on Heated Rivalry

Well felonies speak even louder than regular actions

You say you’ve had enough of my nonsense but how do we know unless we push the envelope a little?

why is it called a gun rant and not a glockenspiel

describing a crab: it's a short lobster describing a lobster: it's a long crab

where is the line between granola and bird food?

asking my boss to burp me after my lunch break

I've played lots of life sims but none of them were as stupid as the real thing

“im bored,” she said, threateningly

I need u to look at me naked for a science experiment

taking the panties off of my blueberry muffin

nooooo babe i didnt mean it i love your post

It wasn't the baja blast that killed us, it was the baja radiation

but your honor you know how i get

The pre-cum part of tomato ketchup can break a meal for me

purchased a clearly canadian from kroger for the first time since 1998 to support our boys up north

TIL I learned that my beloved fiancé gave Wreck It Ralph five stars and Casablanca FOUR on Letterbox, the wedding is off

Pavloving my boss to applaud when I enter the office

I, too, am served fresh daily

word of the day is legs spread the word

who wants a kiss