Sorry for bothering you with my unconditional love bro

When you’re as bad at reading social cues as I am, every interaction is a social experiment

in life there are essentially two options:

Gonna sell my unused sleep on the black market

I need tourists to engage their core and stop bumping into me on this bus

probably going nonverbal in a minute here but lemme hmu if you wanna come over and bounce on it without dialogue

no, im not happy to see you; yes there’s 7 tennis balls in my pockets

according to my therapist i’m an alcoholic but i could give two shits what that drug dealer has to say

*slashes your tires but in a cute way*

flirting with the cafeteria lady THIS week for extra tater tots NEXT week

remember going to Walmart and the cashier would suck you off right at the register

(bluesky user bursts into Waffle House) OH SO YOU HATE PANCAKES??

the phenomenology of the spirit halloween

My uterus has a rapture every month

i took tylenol pm when i was pregnant so my son only has autism at night

From now on my healing will be weaponized

i wonder how jaden smith feels now that everyone is talking about the political and economic state of the world right now

To be or not to be, Charlie Brown.

why are you crying playboy

babe im building an ikea bookshelf for you

My therapist said I had to stop being such a people pleaser so I slapped him. I could tell he wasn’t pleased but he didn’t even acknowledge my progress.

We need a Care Bear that radiates common sense out of its belly

had a pierogi pizza once in pittsburgh and still can’t stop thinking about it

She’s a ten, but she cannot be seduced with cheese

*Listens to We Didn't Start the Fire by Billy Joel* *Adds history major to resumé*

dont worry im just a joke

whats your favourite kitchen gadget named after a giant fuck you to someone mines lazy susan

i think i'd invent a woman with 3 boobs

y'all call yourselves communists and yet i'm the only account on this website who changed their pfp for labour day how interesting

I just made a grilled cheese so perfect I'm going to write about it in my diary tonight

coming up behind you reaching around and unbuttoning your pants as i pull your hair back, put my lips to your ear, and whisper those three little words: you've been served by the time the subpoena falls out the bottom of your trouser leg i'll be gone

Me: Idk I just can't see myself wearing these glasses Eye dr: I think you need a stronger prescription

i don’t wrestle with my demons but sometimes we tickle fight

Wearing my hair in a ponytail at work today hoping that someone pulls it.

“who let the dogs out” it was Mark Antony don’t you read Shakespeare

You suffer from an unfortunate lack of whimsy

The Girl With The QR code Tattoo

the level of whimsy is at an all time low

those sockless heathens have killed Folgers

nothing happens but we can assume

you may have three beans but no more they will know if you consume more

If I repeatedly say “nerd” as I scroll your profile I am going to follow you

you can’t quote post when enemies are nearby

Lotta people don't know the statue of liberty is filled toe to head with mountain dew code red

I'd like to sample your wares

The best way to avoid your nudes surfacing online and being seen by your boss or your mom is to not send them to complete strangers in the first place. Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.

gonna get so full of hot dogs today wieners, as some say

Carrying a conversation counts as cardio

Me: hi, do you take walk-ins? Dumpster: