Yeah, but does your rehab have wifi?

Sorry your boyfriend dries you up like there’s silica gel packets in your cooch.

one blowjob extra teeth

getting 12 cassettes for a a penny from the columbia house record and tape company would fix me

sometimes I forget I'm good at stuff

Filling my waterbed with mac and cheese is one of the best ideas I’ve ever had.

as per my last message in a bottle i am shipwrecked

fool me once, fuck everything, i give up

commenting “*you’re” on a post that doesn’t have any version of it in it

I enjoy cooking because it combines the danger of chemistry with the disappointment of gambling.

i’m happy hurting and healing all at the same don’t ask me how

[whispering to crying baby] You have no idea

i’m going to compare them 🍎🍊

Putting everyone’s phone in light mode until morale improves

Ok hear me out, if each of us kills five hundred mosquitos a day

ghosting two men this week, but i know i can do better

41,966 posts, one for each day I have loved you

calling in a wellness check on my neighbour because their grass is too high

Kiss me, I taste like the McRib™️.

I want my water so cold it hurts

not now lane assist i’m trying to do something cool

i'm waiting until all the skeets have been posted so i can binge the whole season at once

siri show me dads wildin out

they’re saying bing bong

"Down with the Asian American Pacific Islanders! Up with the Gays!" — HR managers across America today directing what posters to take down and which ones to put up

helping your mom prepare for el peeño

have you considered not making it into a whole fucken thing

exploring the great depths of the passive aggressive email

I got all my followers by sleeping with them

i would never use a reminders app. i have enough apps reminding me about things. i want an app that makes me forget.

imagine giving someone syphilis before penicillin you'd have to be like sorry that creampie made your nose fall off baby

They should make PEZ dispensers for Tums so that they feel like a little treat.

Is my post mid or is your understanding of my post mid

*trips on “Caution Wet Floor” floor sign

*causes a Satanic panic in your pants*

logging on

getting lasik surgery on my third eye

they'll put a data center in your ass if you’re not paying attention

today’s harvest is bountiful

I deleted an account once what a rush

there was a time in the 90s when i kept confusing gwen stefani and shirley manson

We all have days like this

one time someone taught me a really important lesson i needed to learn. was not a fan.

1 star reviewing every amazon product that doesn't fit in my ass

john wick voice ueah... i'm thinkin i'm having another Big salad with salmon in it 😏

My senior class field trip was to a minimum security prison.

[seeing your dick for the first time] MAMMA MIA Olive Garden's never-ending soup or salad and breadsticks 🤌

why don’t you put yourself in my crocs for a change

I’m tired of ‘you implied’. No motherfucker. YOU gleaned.