Celebrating Black Friday by taking 50% off caring about anything.

[Thanksgiving] Listen Grandma, we believe in originalism here so your vote doesn't count. Grandpa you have her vote, whipped topping or not?

For a modest fee, I will fill your seat at your family's Thanksgiving table and answer to your name.

youre all pronouncing it wrong. It's "Got Ham City." it's the city that's Got Ham and so you put the Big Apple in its mouth

i like learning abt the ocean and deep sea creatures . i dislike being betrayed or slighted

bouncing on it kermit the frog style

funniest phrase in english language right now, according to my four year old, is "wet baby olive"

speed dating but it’s just a scholastic book fair for adults

rolling up a cosmic brownie so it looks like a turd and throwing it at your lunch table

mom: we’re having ground turkey this year me: okay but how do you know that turkey couldn’t fly

I want to be buried at sea. Not when I die, just whenever. Surprise me

Just remember that eating pie makes your boobs bigger so eat the damn pie

I mean, are we sure this is consensual?

I hope this email finds you not doing work, at work

I know one thing for sure: "turlet" is the funniest way to say toilet

high fucktose porn syrup

(peering through my blinds) those motherfuckers better not come a wassailing

edibles is actually short for edwardibles

Ah, ye admonitions and warnings! why stay ye not when ye come?

You hate me and I’m just here

Feelings: the original malware.

This den of fornication and harlotry has me hovering on the brink of virtue.

Have fun but I’m gonna have more funner

imagine hating me and i’m just over here tracking your location on multiple devices

I hate the sound of something being explained to me

wait hold on do you actually know what a modem sounds like or did my childhood lie to me

pressure injury at the ripe age of 25

ohhh my penis my big beautiful penis

I'm looking at two autographs of Mickey Mouse and I'm pretty sure one of them is a forgery.

Sorry my Sunday Funday was better than yours.

if I ever go missing just play sweet caroline and pause it right before the ba ba ba part to find me

not many know this but "christmas" means "more christ" in spanish

Why imagine dragons when you can imagine beautiful women

*sexting* Hah! Gross

You haven't been reposting me are you OK?

I would let you pull my hair

went outside, it's all gone, everything including air

Is it ‘My wife and I’ or ‘Me and my wife’? Anyway, we just robbed a liquor store

biggest recession indicator is no one participating in no nut november it’s all they have left

I hope this email piledrives you

ughhh hard again #justpenisthings

C'est moi

campbells chunky boyfriend, progresso reduced sodium girlfriend

if you feed a labubu after midnight it turns into a teletubbie

Finding out you’re done after one wipe is like being kissed by an angel

if they made one of those birdfeeders with a camera but it was to feed me would you buy it

I met a weird girl and within 20 minutes she had me eating nerd clusters straight from her hand like a horse

i consumed so much content yesterday. 37 content. probably take it easy today.

she better run

this is going to ruin Toyotathon isn’t it