you’re in his dms? i’m in everyone’s dms. i’m drunk and i have something specific to say to each and every one of you

By my count we’re up to at least 17 stages of grief

congratulations to me. i did not win anything, but don't let that stop you

First date idea: I bully you until you cry or cum

they're boarding up my fertile window

I’m not tall enough to ride this ride

i miss when bad choices were stupid instead of curated

When people tell you to hold your tongue just reach out and hold theirs instead

A thing about me is even if I'm having a great time I can't wait to go home

Holding my tongue so hard the weight of its burden is crushing me.

If I ever send you 🤏🏻🤏🏻🤏🏻🤏🏻 that means finger claps If I ever send you 🤏🏻 that means, well…..

Operation Final Blow

“Driving instructor” is so formal. Call me Sensei.

if someone put cockle shells and a row of pretty maids in my garden i would freak the fuck out. i'd start ringing my silver bell and i would not stop for nothing.

it's so nice out, i might frolic

Your outdated pop music references are killing me softly

if I knew how depressed I was going to be, I would have started much sooner

I harbour an unreasonable amount of resentment towards things that can crawl under rocks.

it’s illegal to annoy me

of all the motives i think my favorite is ulterior

my cup size? reese's

*helps hamburger as a friend*

First protein cigarette will go hard

how quickly do thin mints start working? i just ate a whole sleeve

here’s the thing *totally not the thing*

Live, laugh, hey that was my last beer.

this meeting could’ve been an x-files standalone episode

mac n cheese for one (the vibes are heavy with grief, not self indulgent)

Don't make me do it (press the button that says restore 68 tabs)

Reading through my posts and diagnosing myself as wifeable material

it's just a little dart frog toxin bro don't be such a baby

*shows up to the drug deal with kohl’s cash*

[pausing sex] do u want a caprisun

Shut up Dad you’ve never had to pick a reel to break no contact with you don’t know anything

Stop saying “hurt people hurt people” around me because I just hear a command twice

asking the waiter for his number and then texting him “can i have a refill” two minutes later

the pipi longstocking cinematic universe when

I think it’s very sexy of me to still move with love in a world like this

we have to be able to come here and be stupid we can’t just be sad

not falling for this 2016 trend, nice try fed!!!

i stare at the moon the way you people stare at feet

siri am i a meangirl online

does this not embarrassing them at all

How many vanilla chapsticks can you eat per week

i don't care what you do for fun, tell me what you do for self-loathing

The bean and the jean seam

i wanna be the guy who lies on the scaffolding and smears the schmutz on the ceiling

Is it a slow burn or something more sinister