The first thing I did this year was drop my phone on my face. New year, same me.

Manifesting peace, love, and a little go fuck yourself for the new year

911, what is your emergency? Okay, promise you won’t be mad, though?

Garland security check complete

Supervisor of ornament placement inspecting the tree

All super rich guys sound the same now. It’s all “I sleep four hours a night and spend the other twenty hours a day developing a product that’s going to bring us the best widespread poverty anyone’s ever seen.”

in retrospect the metoo movement did not go too far and in fact should have been given spanish inquisition levels of power and authority

Just a thought: How about we stop shaming the poor for buying things that may not be essential, and start shaming the rich for making a profit off things that are essential?

I am never ever fucking EVER getting over these fuckers just driving around snatching our neighbors off the street.

If you're in line for the rapture, stay in line

i put on pants just like everyone else: mad that i have to

If you want to stop being compared to Nazis, stop acting like Nazis. It's pretty simple really

If you're in line for the rapture, stay in line

This is what fascist scholars mean when they say "don't give them an inch."

You can never appease a tyrant.

Proud to announce that I’m going to be swimming 5K for the Endometriosis Foundation of America’s End Endo 5K! Endo is something that I, along with 1 in 10 people with a uterus, live with. To join me in supporting Endo research and advocacy, tap the link below! give.endofound.org/MaraWilson5k...

This is simply untenable. There is no way forward with media and political classes captured by the right. Every time someone commits a crime you have to pray it's not an undesirable or it's purge time, then when it turns out to be themselves again they just shrug and wait for the next one.

Support your public library. Defend your public library. Slay the enemies of your public library.

You should “do you” but maybe also do therapy

It's so funny the guy who claims to have lowered drug prices by 1500% says he fired the head of BLS because she was bad at statistics.

Conservatives who claimed Obama was using FEMA to build concentration camps really quiet now that it’s real

I have never been swimming because it’s never been more than 30 minutes since I last ate

i didn’t say my horse was lame i said my horse thinks you’re lame

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The fact we have secret police whisking people off the streets doesn’t get enough attention. It ain’t normal and we’re further down the road to authoritarianism than you think.

You may be thinking "How can an entire political party be organized around the policy of taking from everyone and giving to the rich? No one would vote for them." Well that's where Lying comes in

British cars aren't real

What song do you sing to your dog while you're hiding their pill in cheese?

Those who learn from history are doomed to watch other people repeat it

a nation on edge holds its breath as the former host of celebrity apprentice huddles with his advisors, the wrestlemania ceo and the former co-host of fox & friends weekends

Saw a survey asking, "Where do you stand regarding current events?" and immediately thought, "Oh, I definitely oppose them."

The radicalization of the American right is THE story of US politics over the last four decades and political reporters are still not allowed to talk about it

dude this party is such an echo chamber. it's just friends hanging out and chilling and having a good time. you need to invite some people over who want to kill you with hammers

I didn't get married so that I don't have to do the dishes as often, but that doesn't mean that I wouldn't

I think we’re going to need a bigger handbasket.

The comment period for this ends in 3 DAYS. Please leave a comment telling them EVERYONE should be able to get covid boosters. www.regulations.gov/commenton/FD...

Democrats really could point out that DEI and immigration is good actually any time now.

Sometimes it’s hard to balance the need to laugh at the ridiculousness of everything with the knowledge that much of it is actually very serious.

Just a reminder: I know times are tough right now, but you should not give yourself bangs.

eight years ago today we all watched the glory of zendaya falling madly in love with tom holland and the internet was never the same

it’s so hard to raise a young man now. teaching them to have respect for others, empathy, the willingness to admit their mistakes and learn from them, and the ability to think for themselves - all of that is just too much and we must only blame others for their failures. that’s what real men do.

there should be more occasions to eat stuffing

Criminals deserve due process because due process is literally how we determine whether someone is, *in fact*, a criminal

CEOs upset about Trump’s tariffs sound like mob bosses shouting “I thought we had a deal!” at the Joker.

I just want to go back to simpler times of hating people because of sports teams