Flamin' Hot Mosquitoes

anyone else need a necklace with a button to push for being in an "i've fallen and can't get up" mental space?

"Out damn clot, out I say" - Lady Macbeth performing vascular surgery

number one reason sock puppets become single is laundry

we’ll we’ll we’ll if it isn’t my old friend autocorrect

It is offensive to me that even in our late stage capitalist society if I want pizza and sunglasses I have to go to two different huts

I can do anything I set my mind to after panicking first.

Virgo: This is the week you finally find out how guillotine-proof your neck really is.

sometimes you bada your bings sometimes your bings bada you

Just got dream job with DOGE! Thanks to everyone’s help and advice here. You all were right! Changing my name to Goebbles D. Znutz clinched the gig.

“Elves are wonderful. They provoke wonder. Elves are marvellous. They cause marvels. Elves are fantastic. They create fantasies. Elves are glamorous. They project glamour. Elves are enchanting. They weave enchantment. Elves are terrific. They beget terror." Just feeling Pratchetty today.

If you say 'heteronormative' or 'unhoused person' or 'food insecurity' you're basically talking gibberish and nobody can understand you but if you say you can see inflammation in children at the airport and that vaccines lower IQ or that germs are a myth you get to fire all the scientists.

She slayed. I slode. We slew.

Marrying a man with excellent taste has its downsides. The main one being that he refuses to buy me spaghettios.

Getting all oiled up for my date with destiny

What I have isn't exactly free will, but it's similar, like an orca.

The abyss called. Your screams are noted.

We must preserve the US Postal Service because UPS or FedEx would never do this.

[whispering at the deli] i too would like to be cured

Eminem says he’s gonna be rapping until he’s 100 years old and I, for one, cannot wait for him to drop his Social Security Administration diss track.

I assume that Cap’n Crunch had to work his way up the Navy ranks like everyone else, but turns out his first cereal, Seaman Crunch, was premature.

Somehow my life went from “thrift” to “vintage” and I have to admit it’s better that way.

She was so gassy that with just a gentle tummy squeeze you could play her like a novelty accordion.

My standup set at the astronomy conference failed to launch. Everyone was just too Sirius.

I was invited to do standup at the supercomputer conference, but the previous guy pentaflopped.

I tried to do a standup set at the vintage animation conference but there were too many Heckle and Jecklers.

anybody can breakdance if you tase them hard enough

Please don't make me choose between you and honey mustard.

If you can't build your own guillotine, store bought is fine

Lemons, oranges, & pomegranates in a wan-li bowl, 1630. Beautiful bounty from Jacob van Hulsdonck of Antwerp, whose day is today.

[wedding] PRIEST: and now the exchanging of the rings BRIDE: *holds out hand stuck in a pringles can* GROOM: *can’t get ring out of pocket because hand is stuck in a pringles can* PRIEST: *drops bible revealing both hands stuck in pringles cans

You get more flies with honey than with vinegar, it’s true, but corpses work better than them both.

I can’t help my intrinsic style. I’m just giving off those old trailer park money vibes.

Set phasers to agog

“did u finish the work on the terrifying dread kraken to strike fear in the hearts of men” “sure did boss just like u asked made him goofy as hell all googley eyed and waving his lil tentacles up in the air’ “wait wat”

The brave knight waves his sword and yells at the beast, “You are the Anti-Christ!” The beast thinks for 12 seconds, “I hear you—and I understand your concerns.”

excuse me, but do I look like I give a shit? well, you're damn right I do. make sure you're eating, hydrating, resting, taking your motherfucking meds, and looking out for your best interests in the spirit of your health and well-being and fuck anyone who dares derail your path to joy

The spirit is willing but the flesh is gross.

when life gives you demons, make demonade

A Waymo named Desire.

cloudy with a chance of death rays

It’s a good thing Congress isn’t alive to see this

I’m still hanging in with the fandom, but if Disney ever comes up with a character named Jon Bon Jedi I’m done.

I can raise just one eyebrow, but I have to be looking in the mirror to do it. So if you need me to look incredulous, give me a minute to set it up.

Wrestlemania is ok but then comes the Wrestledepression

i don’t want to keep calm and carry on i want to shoot lasers out of my eyes