Dick Cheney, who just died, was 84 years old for the past 25 years.

He and Morgan Freeman got bit by the same vampire. Man, to have been a fly on the wall at that Republican fundraiser...

It's weird when people have main character syndrome since we all know the main character of reality, Milton Mittens Durley, died in Cambridge, Illinois in a lumber jacking accident in 1837. Like???? Why are we still doing this??? He's dead

you don't have to put on blackface to get social media attention. you can simply develop mild depression, join a menswear forum, spend the next 15 years arguing about pants, and then weaponize the knowledge against your enemies on social media.

Dick Cheney, who just died, was 84 years old for the past 25 years.

I would like to protest against Christmas's illegal occupation of November.

In his later years, Inigo Montoya turned his discipline and intellect into teaching self-defense. “HELLO! I am Inigo Montoya. You are attending my class. Prepare to not die.”

Why everyone is honking at me is none of my business

I mean, the odds of all the saints being born on the same day is pretty astronomical.

*interview with a vampire* Me: So, you're a vampire? Vampire: Yeah. Me: That's pretty cool.

There is a distinct cultural gulf between earls in royalty and earls in arkansas

Gen X loves Mr. Rogers. But we didn’t listen to him.

the Muppets have been real quiet since the Louvre heist

Had a nightmare that was so much like a horror movie that there were actual movie posters for the dream in the dream.

TFW you got the Queen of France’s crown and it flies off your moped.

Sorry I haven’t been posting much lately, friends. It’s just that I can’t think of anything amusing to say that wasn’t already said in the boxcars in 1938.

This whole thing satisfies my curiosity about what would happen if 4chan ran a country.

Me: Sorry but one of my autistic super powers include recognizing the most minimalistic use of song lyrics being passed off as an original thought “but don’t you worry baby”

ⓘ 𝘛𝘩𝘪𝘴 𝘶𝘴𝘦𝘳 𝘪𝘴 𝘴𝘶𝘴𝘱𝘦𝘤𝘵𝘦𝘥 𝘰𝘧 𝘣𝘦𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘱𝘢𝘳𝘵 𝘰𝘧 𝘢 𝘵𝘦𝘳𝘳𝘰𝘳𝘪𝘴𝘵 𝘰𝘳𝘨𝘢𝘯𝘪𝘻𝘢𝘵𝘪𝘰𝘯 𝘤𝘢𝘭𝘭𝘦𝘥 𝘈𝘯𝘵𝘪𝘧𝘢. 𝘗𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘴𝘦 𝘳𝘦𝘱𝘰𝘳𝘵 𝘢𝘯𝘺 𝘴𝘶𝘴𝘱𝘪𝘤𝘪𝘰𝘶𝘴 𝘣𝘦𝘩𝘢𝘷𝘪𝘰𝘳.

Had a bit of engine trouble on the first ride of the season

Only one square still missing on my "The 2020s are the 1970s Revisited" bingo card: a petrol crisis. Stay tuned.

I’m like, “I’m super broke but need some cheap silverware,” and Walmart’s like, “Got you covered, dawg,” and in the box are salad forks and soup spoons like I’m about to prep a four-course meal. No one even thinks twice. We’re just all out here eating our Cheerios with teaspoons like psychopaths.

I heard once that Farfech’d (with leek pre-seasoning) has got to be the most delicious Pokémon and I can’t get that out of my head.

All right @sentimentbot.bsky.social - let’s goooo!

Good sirs at Constant Contact. I have never unsubscribed by accident. I doubt that is even possible.

For $5 bucks a pop, the boa constrictor will crack your back.

“When I die, I hope leftists across the country are fired for hate speech because they posted my words verbatim,” every MAGA influencer right now.

What this country needs, more than anything, is a good and healing Dolly Parton comedy special.

Just got dream job with DOGE! Thanks to everyone’s help and advice here. You all were right! Changing my name to Goebbles D. Znutz clinched the gig.

🥹

Ancient Egyptians walked like that to avoid treading on their darn cats.

who up wishing they were a baller

So that's where they went

Please. I’m not a hypocrite. It’s just that my prior convictions became so inconvenient. You understand.

Peter Pan used to fly and fight pirates. Now he just runs a peanut butter empire with dead eyes.

*record scratch* *freeze frame* Yep, that’s me. You’re probably wondering how I ended up in this situation …

Not now, I’m just sitting down for my “NO REGERTS” face tattoo.

True fact: Kids who grew up reading Captain Underpants now have important positions in the U.S. Government.

This was a true story, by the way.

I tried to do a standup set at the vintage animation conference but there were too many Heckle and Jecklers.

I was invited to do standup at the supercomputer conference, but the previous guy pentaflopped.

My standup set at the astronomy conference failed to launch. Everyone was just too Sirius.

She was so gassy that with just a gentle tummy squeeze you could play her like a novelty accordion.

The Girl With The Taco Tattoo.

Hell hath no fury. The demons and the damned are mostly just kind of low at this point.

NURSING HOME RESIDENT: Are you here visiting someone young man? ME: *takes second pudding* are you a cop