it's been a while so here's a pack of some of my favorite people go.bsky.app/3cVJfpD

The Beatles: Shine on you crazy diamond. Diamond: You did NOT just call me crazy. YOU DID NOT JUST CALL ME CRAZY!!! [Smashes tiny fist into jewelry store window.]

I'd be pretty mad if I was a hero in a half shell and then I went and got stabbed in the junk.

Overshadowed as he is by his iconic drummer, I don’t think Dr. Teeth gets enough credit as one of rock’s best band leaders.

I think we should each be allowed to choose one detachable body part.

Saddest words in the English language: “Time to put on my pants.”

I miss getting stoned and going nonverbal, now I can’t stfu

My right-wing auntie was bitten by a raccoon. Now she’s a rabid anti-vaxxer.

Beginning to understand why the kids were eating tide pods there for a bit.

Age verification? *slides out a Blockbuster card from behind your ear with a wink and a grin*

We shall delete the posts until the concept of posts is no more.

Doctor: The good news is, this is a surprise birthday party! Patient: But my birthday's not till next month Doctor: Which brings me to the bad news

“Damn it, that sounded way funnier in my head.” - me and every tweet I’ve ever written.

“Soulmates.” Oh dear. I thought you said “swordmates.” Embarrassing. In that case …. no.

Mounjaro works by turning all your excess weight into farts.

“When I unleash my army of mutant monsters, there will be chay-ohs in the streets! Pure and utter chay-ohs!” “…Um, boss, are you trying to say chaos?” “Oh whatever. I’m going to make sure they eat you first.”

i wonder how close we were to getting Teenage Mutant Ninja Poodles instead

playing a most dangerous game (opening tinder in my hometown)

Remember that time when you accidentally overlooked 1,000,000 documents about a notorious rich-guy pedophile ring that also were the ones demanded for years by the public and Congress and then accidentally found them right before Christmas? And also you're the Justice Department? Haha. Embarrassing.

With two weeks left to go in 2025, my biggest fear is that we haven't yet reached the bottom.

I DON'T WANT TO GO TO THE CHRISTMAS PARTY, I WANT TO STAY HOME AND WORSHIP MY ELDRITCH YULE GODS IN PEACE.

We need another female soda pop. Not every woman can be a Dr.

Another definition of “scissoring” is what happens when pterodactyls make out

YouTube has successfully gathered that I am kind of a weirdo …

Just got a side gig for the wizard’s guild making guano. Bathroom time’s going to be much more productive.

Can't wait to *crack open a few cold ones with the boys this weekend *go grave robbing

[slides u a briefcase filled with spaghetti]

You can measure a soul by observing the quality of the stickers on their laptop.

i’ll catch up with you guys later, i need to stop and look at some cool rocks

Dick Cheney, who just died, was 84 years old for the past 25 years.

He and Morgan Freeman got bit by the same vampire. Man, to have been a fly on the wall at that Republican fundraiser...

It's weird when people have main character syndrome since we all know the main character of reality, Milton Mittens Durley, died in Cambridge, Illinois in a lumber jacking accident in 1837. Like???? Why are we still doing this??? He's dead

you don't have to put on blackface to get social media attention. you can simply develop mild depression, join a menswear forum, spend the next 15 years arguing about pants, and then weaponize the knowledge against your enemies on social media.

Dick Cheney, who just died, was 84 years old for the past 25 years.

I would like to protest against Christmas's illegal occupation of November.

In his later years, Inigo Montoya turned his discipline and intellect into teaching self-defense. “HELLO! I am Inigo Montoya. You are attending my class. Prepare to not die.”

Why everyone is honking at me is none of my business

I mean, the odds of all the saints being born on the same day is pretty astronomical.

*interview with a vampire* Me: So, you're a vampire? Vampire: Yeah. Me: That's pretty cool.

There is a distinct cultural gulf between earls in royalty and earls in arkansas

Gen X loves Mr. Rogers. But we didn’t listen to him.

the Muppets have been real quiet since the Louvre heist

Had a nightmare that was so much like a horror movie that there were actual movie posters for the dream in the dream.

TFW you got the Queen of France’s crown and it flies off your moped.

Sorry I haven’t been posting much lately, friends. It’s just that I can’t think of anything amusing to say that wasn’t already said in the boxcars in 1938.

This whole thing satisfies my curiosity about what would happen if 4chan ran a country.