woke up to a snow angel on the sidewalk but by noon it was just a memory

i would also settle for a chicago dog with extra fries

need an emotional support italian beef dipped with hot peppers

i’ll be sure to ask the masked ICE agent to stand still so i can scan his QR code before he pepper sprays me at point blank range and tackles me to the ground

gross rude stranger: what that booty do me: fart mostly

there should be government issued xanax for sunday scaries

ICE is responsible for the *only* shooting and homicide in Minneapolis so far in 2026.

hey everyone! the dumbest dumb fuck idiot said he's seen enough! close up shop, the formerly pattern balding founder of paypal and current master internet sex pest with no legal or law enforcement background has solved the case!

It's been a rough day. I think I'm going to go out and find some dick. This is the way.

this country is fucked and I don't think there's any coming back from this

couldn’t help but notice how insane you look

does anyone remember my work password

what if people could just be normal online

watching the bears lose is self care

as i said previously

t minus one hour until the bears break my heart again

emotional support taquitos

i don’t know who needs to hear this but following and unfollowing me every single day does not encourage me to follow you back

i will donate my body to science and eat the burger king krabby patty

they have invented a stronger, more potent form of the scaries that now begins on saturday

2026 is the year of the 24 hour gyro place guy calling you princess

on a government watchlist for perfect sweeties

i must be (carnal scream) the way i’m (louder carnal scream)

thinking about her

2026 is already a failure. shut it down

saying BYE on NYE

after much debate im not seeing anyone or anything on new years today im taking the train back to my apartment where nobody else is and watching love actually

i have an NYE dress but I don’t think anyone deserves to see it

they say the human body is 70% water imagine if it were soup

happy season finale of 2025 day to those who celebrate

they should invent a boy that responds

sometimes i skrrt skrrt but often i just hurt hurt

siri where in the body is groove located

what is it about the gas station specifically that turns married adult men feral and rude

what is a hamburger if not a meat frisbee

high levels of soup discourse on here today

opening tinder in my hometown is like a fossil record of every bad decision I made between 2014 and 2019

this forced vacation limbo where the only productive thing i do is stare into the fridge and wish for new things to appear

finally feeling the call of the soup. the kind of soup that simmers for three days and has a murky, unknowable broth

all i want to do is make a soup

(threateningly) break me off a piece of that kitkat bar

why is this jerry person everywhere

playing a most dangerous game (opening tinder in my hometown)

damn that baby looks cool as hell

colin farrell in fantastic beasts does something to me

you’re laughing. rob schneider tried to talk shit while dressed like orville redenbacher and you’re laughing

i texted him and it's going poorly