high levels of soup discourse on here today

opening tinder in my hometown is like a fossil record of every bad decision I made between 2014 and 2019

this forced vacation limbo where the only productive thing i do is stare into the fridge and wish for new things to appear

finally feeling the call of the soup. the kind of soup that simmers for three days and has a murky, unknowable broth

all i want to do is make a soup

(threateningly) break me off a piece of that kitkat bar

why is this jerry person everywhere

taking big slurps from the juice box of internal torment

playing a most dangerous game (opening tinder in my hometown)

damn that baby looks cool as hell

colin farrell in fantastic beasts does something to me

you’re laughing. rob schneider tried to talk shit while dressed like orville redenbacher and you’re laughing

i texted him and it's going poorly

fix my internet now i wasn't done staring at brendan fraser in the mummy with my jaw on the floor yet

crazy winds knocked out the internet so we're going pilgrim style

serving ass in a way that's kind and respectful to the lord

whoever invented pesto ranch is hereby granted lifetime kisses on the lips from me

me: *bouncing on it* him: i like your moxie champ

The vibe is troublesome

gonna eat an edible left over from the cousin walk and think about texting him

the lesson here is that you should assume every celebrity's take on anything is this poorly informed until proven otherwise

next year is 1996, actually

11:59pm on december 31, 2025, the clock strikes midnight and you are engulfed in a flash of white light before suddenly waking up in your childhood bedroom. it's actually 1995 and the whole thing was a dream. get up nerd, legends of the hidden temple is on nick in 15 minutes!

you know what i’m gonna say it: 2025 wasn’t that good

he’s a 10 but he leaves a light trail of goo behind everywhere he goes

the duolingo owl has been arrested for unspeakable crimes against humanity

I'm not ready for 2026

is whipped cream on cookies legal to do

portable pocket wife

walk up to the club like 'what up i really don't belong here'

bears

ME: *leaving chinese restaurant* my compliments to the shrimp

Tasting her pussy for the first time “HOLY MACARONI”

you can have prosecco at 5pm on sunday nobody can stop you

you know a diner is good when it's open 24/7 and it looks like where parents would meet during a custody battle

nothing like waking up with a hangover and one (1) mozzarella stick in your bed

What I lack in courage I make up for with spite

Hot moms in your area don’t want to see your dick.

A share size bag of Kit Kat minis unwrapped counts as girl dinner, your honor

the subtle art of giving the fuck up

scuze me i'm sorry but my order of live didn't come with any laugh love

[yelling over club music] I said grief is a rain that falls on everything

i don't know what i keep looking for in my phone but it is ~NOT THERE~

Sending a brunch invite group text to 11 people at 8am on a Sunday is illegal behavior

The vibe is troublesome

ScarJo could kiss me

Who needs Saturday night plans when you have gas station gummies