Naming my child ‘Terms & Conditions’ so they will be accepted without question

The double negative in the lyric 'I ain't afraid of no ghosts' is problematic and here's why

Halloween is a dead give-away

Give me a treat boys and fill my bowl I wanna dress up as a spooky ghoul for milky ways

The Romans column as they 'seum

I try to keep at least 1000 feet away from millipedes

I knocked a hole in the igloo with a roundhouse kick

C'mon man, the horse I rode in on had nothing to do with it

"I'm halving a baby!" - King Solomon

I finally caved and took my wife spelunking

Russian nesting dolls can be a little hidden miss

Every masseuse has an interesting back story

I’m thinking about becoming a freight inspector- it’s a job that checks all the boxes

Classic from the camera roll

This Italian coffee doesn’t taste right because affogato put in the ice cream

Signed my daughter up for the more formal version: Jamesnastics

I'm having a soup* and sandwich** for lunch **hot dog *hot dog water

Read the room, the writing is on the wall

The best thing to drink while ironing is a smoothie

You rarely hear about the dark side of birding, but I knew an ornithologist who became addicted to heron

I have this condition where I blurt out state names and the doctors don’t know Wisconsin it

I have aphantasia and I can’t imagine what it’s like

The most appropriate time to fart is 2:10

“Dad, can we go to the optometrist?!” “We’ll see”

Why is it called a 'dad-bod' and not a 'father-figure'?

The world is my oyster- I don’t like it and it’s making me sick

Bought a copy of ‘Metamorphosis’, told the cashier to “keep the change” and they grabbed it back

My lumberjack friend got promoted- now they’re in a different axe bracket

Gave myself a tattoo now I’m having trouble separating the art from the artist

*rolling up sleeves* These Catholics want the smoke

Lawyers should always have a snack prepared for long courtroom proceedings- trial mix

May the 4th be with you? That's cute- I can make a Star Wars pun with Bothans died behind my back

I asked my friends what I should feed my pet snake and… …crickets

FRIEND: “See you later Alligator!” ME: “...Caiman”

I think traveling back in time would be pretty great …then again

Show me how two u's this vacuum

Mermaid with the pronouns fish/she

The Earth is the best planet in the world

Wrestlemania is ok but then comes the Wrestledepression

[Scrooge opens window] "YOU THERE, Boy! What day is it?" Boy:

Easter Island must be absolutely insane

This years Easter basket did not disappoint

*hands you a divining rod* "I hope this finds you well"

For sale: running shoes, never worn.

If I ever complete my M Night Shyamalan collection I won’t tell anyone, but there will be Signs

This has made me realize how much I enjoyed living in precedented times

ME: Hey, you wanna watch ‘All Dogs go to Heaven’? CERBERUS:

I have no idea what to do with my hands when playing cards

Better to remain prank-less and be thought a fool than to prank someone and remove all doubt

The road to the final four is paved with shoe squeaks