Something darkly funny about Shrek appearing during the in memoriam section

went to the soft open for my buddy’s new pizza shop and the menu was on lock

Most of the world’s brightest minds are hard at work developing new ways for you to get depression from a computer

The first person to discover that sticking your hand inside a Muppet brings it to life must have been so scared.

My daughter just sent me this meme, and the only rational conclusion is that I am a great mother.

I bet one of the first things people do now after they die is go annoy John and George, heaven must suck for them

In Super Mario 3D World, whenever the player characters are wearing blocks on their heads, their upper bodies are deformed underneath so they can fit inside without any parts poking out. By moving the camera inside the block, the extent of the deformation can be seen.

🧵 1/5 When social media billionaires wield algorithms like weapons and give N*zi salutes to celebrate their victories, it's easy to be consumed by rage. I know I feel it.

Goodbye old friend! Welcome to the greatest apps of all time Hall of Fame. Thank you to the developers and writers who kept this going all these years, especially making the end of the run so much fun. Muh Springfield babies!

dear Apple TV: if you are gonna put a behind the scenes featurette after the credits of a show, please stop fucking auto playing a different show as soon as the credits start! I WANT to watch the behind the scenes thing!!! (This goes for HBO too)

love to get a parking ticket in the middle of a state of emergency ❤️ thank you Burbank I didn’t need that money anyway it’s fine

Pleasant automated voice: Thank you for calling our customer service line that doesn't work. Did you know? You can also use our online customer service tool that doesn't work

to the guy who siad "fuck Dabbing" in the group chat at 2am and got no reacts—im sorry. we all thought that was very good but we were asleep

thank you from the bottom of my heart to everyone who gave to my gofundme and FULLY funded my Polar Express Surgery. as we speak, the doctor is preparing to move my eyes the exact wrong distance apart. they are removing 24% of my polygons. tom hanks is here. i can’t believe this is is my life

missed a spare at bowling and the scoreboard played an animation of me eating a log of shit with a knife and fork

It’s a cold and it’s a broken “cowabunga”

Reminder Superman is not a power fantasy, he's an altruism fantasy. The idea of someone with godlike powers using them solely for good (with an antagonist who is a billionaire, who by definition do the opposite) was dreamt up by Jewish kids in the 30s and its just as if not more relevant now.

Every monthly comic should have a recap blurb. Do not trust me to remember what happened.

Six years working on this script and this is all I have.

*eye twitches*

Shooting the Grinch point blank in the back of the head on a city sidewalk but successfully eluding capture because the words “stink”, “stank”, “stunk” are etched on the shell casings and everyone kind of gets it

Has science gone too far?

I think reboot just means that the title and some cast are back. We definitely have to reconceive a ton.

Just said this about #Scrubs reboot when a fan of original said they hoped it wouldn’t happen: Why? Not everyone out here is working. The cast/crew love each other. If it’s good you’ll be psyched. If it’s bad you won’t watch (and can badmouth it!) Let’s go! Big fun.

They invented the cybertruck so people who aren't funny can know what it's like to make everyone around them laugh

Harrison ford staple gunning the hat to his head “that outta do it”

oh wow

the problem is i want to play every video game and there are only finite hours in a lifetime

Thank god I grew up with stuffing because if I’d never heard of it before and someone showed up to my house as an adult with wet bread and celery casserole my first instinct would be to beat their ass.

WICKED would’ve won the Best Musical Tony if “What Is This Feeling” was titled “Loathing”

this one might take a second

all hail the thanksgiving tube

The simple reason I don't freak out about someone being corny online is it's one of the three things you can be, and the others are normal or evil. Almost nobody online is normal so corny is better than evil

got banned for life from the TaleSpin forums for suggesting that Baloo in TaleSpin is NOT the same bear as Baloo in The Jungle Book. People were screaming at me to shut the fuck up even though I provided EVIDENCE

SO IF YOU CARE TO FIND ME LOOK TO THE WESTERN SKY

Every few weeks my therapist and I have what I call “A Sony Spider-Man Session” because there’s nothing new to say but it’s best to keep the franchise alive

we got a bigger bed so our dog would take up less of it. but it was futile — he has adapted, finding ways to make himself larger and longer in the night

GUYS I FOUND HIM

Every November 22nd they should drive a cardboard cutout of JFK around Dealey Plaza and let people shoot at it from wherever they want just to test out theories of even blow off some steam

yes twitter sucked because of all the maga/nazi chuds, but an underrated amount of that was them barging in on talk abt movies, books, art, food, whatever. they infected every aspect of it, so if u were black, jewish, queer, trans, whatever, you couldn’t just live your digital life w/o dealing w it

an overlooked aspect of all these “bluesky is an echo chamber” pieces is that the writers bizarrely think that the only reason people use social media is to talk about politics, which is true only for a subset of users

This hit my weak point for massive damage

Just absorbing the fact that the first order of business in the new QAnon-inflected MAGA Republican era is to demand that Congress bury its report on sex trafficking and drug allegations against a Republican member of Congress who they're trying to promote to higher office.

I actually want to go to bluesky more than I want to go to x