first time ever playing fantasy football and I’m currently leading in my league. doing wonders for my “have to be good at everything the very first time I try it, Or Else” complex

heard some of my extended family was talking shit about my wedding because they…don’t like that I have tattoos? well guess what bitch that’s why you weren’t invited!! I look great!!!

While many of you are likely yelling “GO MAGA” or “GO ANTIFA!” I’m yelling “GO JIMMY KIMMEL AND THE CULTURAL INSTITUTION OF LATE NIGHT TELEVISION!”

My man David Byrne released a new album this month

walking the dog and noticing a lot of massive single family homes in my neighborhood have anti-Broadway upzoning signs in their yards. so disappointing — why wouldn’t you want other people to be able to live in the neighborhood you claim to love?

my husband is a really good gift-giver because he has a list in Notes app called “Sarah Stuff” that he periodically logs anything I like into. built different

There’s a premiere tonight of the new Hulu documentary about Lilith Fair but in my opinion the way their parent company Disney has treated Jimmy Kimmel is Lilith UNFair

i think one thing people have a hard time grasping is that the central figures of the trump administration are not bad as in "the worst republican blowhard you know," but bad as in "the worst people you have ever heard of." donald trump is a serial rapist whose best friend was a pedophile.

sometimes you see something so evangelical that it takes your breath away

Olamide Zaccheaus went for the jumping celebration with DJ Moore who didn't see him 😭🤣

Protesters yell at one agent with an American flag mask and sleeves “Nazi” as they push demonstrators off the sidewalk in front of the driveway. “Proud of it,” the agent replied.

I really loved this book!!!! if you are a fan of comedy you WILL like it

tacobell’s canon in d 🤘😌

daddy daughter dance night!!!

I shouldn’t have to see D*ve P*rtnoy on my television screen. It’s that simple.

This would be a complete disaster abc7chicago.com/post/federal...

this exists it is called thinking

you need cold, salt and a meal at the same time

just watched LISTERS, a free doc on YouTube. very charming “dudes rock” movie following two brothers who take on an extreme birding challenge together. they’re really rolling that beautiful bird footage

maybe if he does this again it’ll all go away :)

I wanted to get a video of this ghost crab but every time I got close to their hole they scuttled back in, so I tried getting clever with it. I made a little sandcastle and shoved my phone into it, hit record, and walked away. Crab was VERY suspicious of this addition to their environment.

reads the whole plaque bf learns a fun little fact gf

it pains when two late night hosts I hate get to be martyrs for a cause I like

ok I know it sounds crazy. but maybe if we let them turn us upside down and shake the lunch money out of our pockets just one more time today, they’ll stop doing it tomorrow

Every day the news is like vaccines will be illegal next week, homeless people to be euthanized, pedophiles are in control of all branches of government, everyone you love is going to get fired and/or deported, and then they cap it off with this

MARC MARON: so who are your guys ME: snoopy. garfield. next question

JUST IN: An independent United Nations inquiry has concluded for the first time that Israel has committed genocide against Palestinians in Gaza and that the country’s top leaders have incited genocide, in what it described as “the “most authoritative UN finding to date.” https://cnn.it/3VjaHzS

just got my ambulance bill and it cost me...let's say...A LOT more to travel a few miles to the ER than it did to fly all the way to japan and back!!!

[the shooter is unidentified] the left must be purged with the sword [the shooter is, again, a compulsive masturbator who loved Hitler] I believe it was pascal who said that the heart has reasons that reason may not know

went here and everyone knew you. nice. congrats!

the only person on earth who thinks this looks cool is a Conner O’Malley character

Talking to people who only knew Pinhead as a gifted craftsman of intricate puzzle boxes.

It feels like the Times shifted hard into “actually we will determine reality” mode after 10/7 and never came back. Luigi shit, mayor’s race, now this. Reporting from a world that doesn’t exist, for no one.

Putting away all the "CIVIL WAR NOW" banners at the news station and bringing out the "Mental Health Crisis in America" banners with a heavy sigh

if i get killed, you can quote stuff i wrote. that's why i wrote it

about to drink 400 mango highballs at the Tokyo Dome and miss my flight home tomorrow

For decades everyone on the list argued they only knew Epstein in a professional capacity while all the notes to him are "I sure love being pedophiles together with you, my friend Jeffrey Epstein"

so glad I started liking mayo before I came to japan. I have eaten an innumerable amount of egg salad sandwiches and tuna mayo onigiri —none of that would be possible without my honorable commitment to growth and change

meet me at the america themed gachapon in the next five minutes if you want an ass kicking

every CEO: thank you so much for letting us do whatever we want. this is different from before, somehow Tim Cook: I like dinner :)

*not looking up the politics of Japan at all* America should be exactly like Japan

just ate what felt like an illegal amount of king crab and tempura

there are snoopys everywhere for those with the eyes to see

😁 on the shinkansen!! 😁 choo choo

ᵃᵈᵉˡᵉ ᵈᵃᶻᵉᵉᵐ

it’s about to be 2pm Tuesday in Kyoto so I’ll tell you all what the White House announcement is in just a sec

at no point did we defund the police. it's important when we talk about defunding the police to note it never actually happened. would it work? we don't know! but merely phrasing the idea succinctly incited a reactionary backlash that put fascists in charge of all 3 branches of government. curious!

the absolutely crushing hubris of me thinking “I’ve survived 15 Chicago summers, Japan can’t be *that* much worse”