Imagine missing that head though, go straight back to sniper school you’re weak

Guy named Joey Hotdog entering a chestnut eating contest

it’s that time of year again

[languidly swirling my snifter of cognac] Machinations? Me?!

In Canada they call Grimace “Purple Dennis”

Satan rejoicing that Jesus is dead today, natural wonders abound

They’re not LIKE the Snuggie

I’m here to do two things chew bubblegum and run out of bubblegum and I’m all out of bubblegum

I’m a single issue voter

I should get an Oscar for not watching the Oscars

Tolkien cooked so hard when he named him Grima Wormtongue

New year new me (even bigger piece of shit)

My sister’s friend recently went to the Museum of Natural History in Pakistan and folks… there’s nothing natural about it

Visited by three ghosts this Christmas but they’re all just Depression

Gonna follow this ghastly eldritch light into the woods brb

Probably fine that I ignore the broken gate over the small culvert that leads to the innermost sanctum of my fortress, it’s not like anyone will notice it and I can use the time and money I save to add more unskilled archers to the parapets

Are you crappin me arse m8? You takin the wipe? Flushing the turds, innit

Here’s something you can do that doesn’t involve meticulous planning and a weeklong manhunt but is necessary and useful nonetheless

He went Waluigi mode

shitposting is protected speech

Shooting the Grinch point blank in the back of the head on a city sidewalk but successfully eluding capture because the words “stink”, “stank”, “stunk” are etched on the shell casings and everyone kind of gets it

We should round up all the CEO’s…for their own protection of course

The dumb ignorabt shit head is an ironic name I’m actually a dumb ignorabt shit ASS

Lots of talk about the devastating insults in the grinch song but really if someone said I was “a mean one” I’d immediately dissolve in tears

Stop saying you fucked the turkey nobody believes you’re that cool

I’m the king of Dip Shit Island

Bob of Ghanoush

What about a water gun but instead it shoots bullets

This election’s really heating up

Ok God

I’ve invented something I call “dipping sauce”

I’m here to do two things chew bubblegum and run out of bubblegum and I’m all out of bubblegum

I ❤️the 👹 and 🔥🔥🔥

Her: Where are the chips that I bought yesterday? Me:

Dues anyone need a bluesky code?

Saw this tiny fucked up tree i blame climate change

Modernity is lowkey goated when hopping between dogshit apps until you die is the vibe

I’m doing the best at this

Effective immediately this place is now called Y

Scorpio: The crushing weight of existence is no match for your pathological indifference.

Ripping farts and breaking hearts

picking up a part time shift at best buy just so i can get all the hard drives people drop off for recycling and INSPECT em

In Canada they call Grimace “Purple Dennis”

Tomorrow is pussy Monday!

𝗛𝗢𝗣𝗘 𝗜’𝗠 𝗡𝗢𝗧 𝗕𝗘𝗜𝗡𝗚 𝗔 𝗕𝗢𝗧𝗛𝗘𝗥

Scorpio: All Scorpios born on odd-numbered days are now Dark Scorpios and are no longer subject to the laws of man.