We should kill everyone

Boss: Uh, you're not really supposed to get a break if your shift is only 3 hours. Me: Yare Yare Daze...

finally found something to make me laugh and it's this I've watched this like 30 times in a row

Are you there Dog? It's me, Barkaret.

Smiles of Mirth: The Laughter Chronicles

We need to illegalize weed

I've only heard a song by my favorite band on the radio one time and afterwards the DJ got on air to apologize for playing it 😔

[The one time Kazama Kiryu had sex]: "Intercourse huh? I guess many mammals enjoy "getting their rocks off" so to speak. Sure I'll try it." [afterwards] "Huh, that was pretty vulnerable...and..WOW...what a jolt! So this is the world of sex. Thank you. I have to get back to the batting cages now."

They finally made cubes that aren't so heavy

man stroker’s ejacula

They're remaking "Babette's Feast", the 1987 Oscar winning Danish film based on the classic short story by Isak Dinesen, as "Mencia's Feast" but producers are keeping fastidiously mum about who they will cast in the titular role.

Kicking caffeine is actually physically worse than kicking alcohol (for me, personally. Everyone is different and ymmv.)

Why don't we name guys Bump anymore?

I became Subaru mode today

Notice how there was no Wednesday this week

Why did the singer of Senses Fail never mention his super speed abilities again?

The dress code is business causal. You have to dress in a way that causes, or is caused by, business.

Tonight we let the gay water talk

Makin my way downtown A town that's down Opposite of an uptown

they should invent an emoji thats like this

Mario Teaches Fucking

I am the world's biggest bloodborne fan and even I don't want a bloodborne movie. I want bloodborne 2.

Wire Mother's milk just hits differently after the gym

Good news for people who hate the ozone layer. My neighbors have been burning plastic since 8:00 a.m.

My beloved Toyota Prius kicked the bucket last night. 🅱️ℹ️🅿️

We are the dorders of the ghts you couldn't pronounce

Are you there God? It's me, Margaritaville.

What if you wanted to sleep for 20 more minutes but your body said: "get itchy"

Discard/draw on silent is incredible (albeit slow), throw in tough bandages and it becomes disgustingly overpowered

One of the Artemis astronauts stood up immediately after splashdown and started collecting his carryon bags even though he was seated in the back row of the capsule.

Me as a child watching the mom on Rugrats eating a product called "Chocolacheese": haha that's so funny and gross. Me as an adult: Some Chocolacheese would really hit right now.

Having beefened broccoli lunch

When Bruno Mars stopped his entire song just to fill his cup up with liquor, that's when I knew he had a problem

You can't be dressing like that Gabriel

I;m out of penis money

Heads up, other half is making na beer now.

"Your posts are worse than Bieber" "Shirt look like a shop rite bag" "You have sold out the fans ." Every Accusation is a Confession. —DRIL

I'm offering three modded consoles for sale. Discounts for longtime mutuals. DM me for more info/to negotiate.

We need to start killing

tonight we let the abuelita talk

"cut or uncut?"

I have questions for MrBeast.

Diet hack: whenever you want to eat a carbohydrate, grab a cooked chicken breast from the fridge and eat it.

Cars should have a device that decapitates the driver if they roll through a stop sign