It’s actually FEWER Misérables

An open memo to all dogs in my house: JUST BECAUSE I HAVE INSOMNIA DOESN'T MEAN YOU GET TO. THE BREAKFAST HOUR REMAINS UNCHANGED. I WILL GO FULL CRUELLA DE VILLE ON YOU, SEE IF I WON'T.

"The Ocho" has a 24/7 streaming channel and I am addicted to it. All this and so much more.

PRONKING

Space Jam implies the existence of Space Jelly, Space Preserves, and Space Marmalade.

*smug Victorian voice* This cholera would instantly kill a millennial child

"I was never punk" I whisper to myself as I type "I'm still punk" into a social media app for 38-year-olds.

Cedar Park and Liberty Hill tourism boards really knocking it out of the park with their SEO here

It really is insanely good.

You know what you DON'T want to see when you open up the junction box under your kitchen sink? A bunch of melted shit and burn marks. Fucking hell.

Wire mother vs. banana mother vs. mud mother

Every year, my mother-in-law sends me a digital, animated card reminding me that Jesus loves me more than my husband does. Happy Valentine's Day everyone!

It is 8:53am and I have already received three emails with the subject line ACTION REQUIRED.

Just before I sit down at the dinner table with my children

I care about football. Don't ever say I don't care. youtu.be/gODZzSOelss?...

Yes, I want to live a peaceful life where I get to walk outside a lot. No, I don't want to walk outside right now. Real outside and fantasy outside are different.

This is genuinely brilliant and might just save humanity

ME: Social media makes me sad. DOCTOR: You should follow shitposters who make Pagliacci format jokes! ME: But doctor, I...

Thanks for the helpful auto-complete, Gmail.

What's a good length of time to feel wretchedly embarrassed about something that is objectively not embarrassing? A year? Three years?

Amsterdam is installing more LGBT

Oh my god. The Adult Swim show "Common Side Effects" was a documentary?!

Cramming for my bone density test by eating late night cheese

Sometimes my supervisor insists that I only type left-handed. Strict but fair.

“The Germans have a word for that” bro they just shoved two preexisting words together to make a new word. We can do that too. Don’t be Deutschdazzled.

Walmart about to permanently fuck up some toddlers today:

If you can't handle me at my dactylic hexameter, you don't deserve me at my trochaic tetrameter

If we shot them fast enough, they'd red shift.

In these trying times, the real heroes are the ones who get new episodes of The Traitors up on DailyMotion within an hour of the broadcast.

I keep telling people that I didn't imagine the game "Hunt the Wumpus," but they never believe me.

Made a curry for dinner last night, to which my daughter replied, "Ah, winter slop." I had to repeatedly assure her father that it wasn't an insult on my cooking.

Well, those boots were not made for walking

This looks like it belongs in a Final Fantasy game [complimentary]

You know how something can tickle the back of your brain for over a decade, and you can't quite figure out why? Then all of a sudden one night it hits you: Mike Birbiglia and Paul Rudd have the same smile.

My husband has a lower A1C than I do, and this is how bullying looks in our household.

The singular of dice should be douse, actually.

A joke from my son that proves I raised him right

Between "Severance," "Alien: Earth," and now "Pluribus," it's clear that ruminant farm animals are having a real heyday at the casting office.

Conversely, Bardot had been the last surviving person who was ever name-checked in Tom Lehrer's "Lobachevsky." (The others being Ingrid Bergman, Marilyn Monroe, and Doris Day.) youtu.be/UQHaGhC7C2E?...

another robot highlight for 2025: man wearing humanoid mocap suit kicks himself in the balls

As a child, I once posted "How do I dress like a cool person?" to the Kids & Teens section of the Prodigy message board service. I'm starting to think their advice was misguided.

Real nice sculpture you got there. Would be a shame if someone put a large reflecting pool in front of it, causing your patrons to consider both the nature of imagery and our relationship to the natural world.

What's got two elbows, and can successfully manipulate a touch pad with them to skip a YouTube ad while she's got raw pie dough all over her hands? THIS LADY.

New Briggs-Meyers test where you get measured along scales of Happy/Grumpy, Bashful/Dopey, and Sleepy/Sneezy/Doc.

*on a work Zoom with Brits* *remember to say trousers instead of pants* *get so distracted congratulating myself that I accidentally describe a lady's personality as spunky*

"Morning person" implies cute and chipper. I'm more like a Harbinger of Dawn.

I've reached the part of the holidays where very stupid jokes are entertaining me. For example, speed is a getaway drug.