My physical trainer told me she's been having Claude interpret her dreams, so I figure I've got a few months before she spirals out completely and I have to find a new physical trainer.

My muted words are working double-overtime tonight

I don't generally get star struck, because every time I meet someone famous I instinctively and intrusively imagine them clipping their toenails.

Diane, entered the town of Twin Peaks I have.

The meal I ordered at the delI was smaller than expected, so after I finished I went back to the counter and ordered a second one. Felt like I was breaking every social contract. Absolutely thrilling.

All I want is to be rich enough to donate $53,180.08 to my favorite charity.

He seems happier to be honest

passersby were amazed by the unusually large amounts of blood

Staying grateful for the little things, like the fact that the life insurance renewal did NOT ask "how many blowtorches are in your household?"

Rapid public transit is a winning political issue because everyone deserves access to the Danger Zone.

I can't explain why, but looking at this bird makes me want to eat it.

What has parenting taught me? Well, I now know for a fact that an iPhone can get run over by a car and still work just fine.

Zork: Explore the Psyche of Man Myst: Stuff Already Happened Monkey Island: Lesbian Bartender

Brits get ponce, nonce, and bonce--and all we get is sconce? Man, this limerick writing contest was a bad idea.

Requesting a bottle of superglue on my deathbed so you will not even be able to pry my em dashes from my cold dead hands.

A thing you need to know about me is I used to work at Domino's Pizza alongside a drug dealer who loved Sanrio, and one day he came back from a delivery with a 4ft tall, $600 statue of Keroppi, which he put inside our kitchen for the rest of his shift because it was blocking his rear view mirror.

This is genuinely one of my favorite jokes I've ever made, and it's a really good check on my ego that it has ZERO likes after 12 hours. I'd been getting far too cocky recently. So keep up the good work! Repost if you want, but whatever you do, DO NOT like my niche humor. Struggle is how we grow.

#TIL that this animal is called a "shlobster." And now I can't stop saying it. He's a shlobster. That's his NAME.

Argonauts planning a mutiny:

Japanese sci-fi: two robots in space, yearning American sci-fi: man gets the author's beliefs on polygamy confirmed by the aliens of ramalama IV french sci-fi: two horny bounty hunters visit the Galaxy of Breasts British sci-fi: nuclear war. Everyone dead. America's fault

The victim was the baby from the Nirvana album cover

Tommy Lee Jones Jamie Lee Curtis Brennan Lee Mulligan R. Lee Ermey Kathie Lee Gifford If your middle name is Lee you have to use it. Those are just the rules.

A thing you need to know about me is I used to work at Domino's Pizza alongside a drug dealer who loved Sanrio, and one day he came back from a delivery with a 4ft tall, $600 statue of Keroppi, which he put inside our kitchen for the rest of his shift because it was blocking his rear view mirror.

Alto Clef: I am a happy compromise that could work for everyone, which is why I'm only used by the surliest musicians (i.e. violas and particularly defiant saxophones)

My youngest turns 18 today, which means all of my offspring can now be tried as adults to the fullest extent of the law.

Obscure TV recommendation: There's an absurdist German comedy on Netflix called "Crap Happens" and it is so, SO good.

The duality of womanhood

On 9/11/01 it was twins day at my high school and two people dressed up as the twin towers. this is a real story and not made up.

Would they believe I watched the OJ verdict live in school?

Screwed up a print and now the 3D printer is mocking me

The photos on my phone aren't *super* organized, but I do have a folder called "Bruises."

The quality of the cheese and pickles has increased, but... yes.

"Not all cucks are fujoshi, but all fujoshi are cucks," explains the teenager. I fall to the floor and begin to foam at the mouth. This is my sleeper cell activation phrase.

The lightning is fine and all, but I'm more concerned about how chicken favoritism affects the flock as a whole.

My seventeen-year-old just admitted she thought fingernails grew from the tips. Any suggestions on how we should spend her college fund?

Gonna be an absolute pick-me widow at the nursing home someday

it's wild his full name was entertainment entertainment cummings

CROW: "That's what I love about these Bluesky posters, man. I get older, they stay the same age."

Like Miyamoto I make mad games 'Kay I don't make games But if I did they'd have a Mister I

You might call it oversharing, but all these stickers I got in Kindergarten say otherwise.

Pleased to announce that after an initial trial run, "daydooming" has stuck.

Genuinely surprised every time I learn that Pepsi still exists.

With every generation, the peeves get cuter, thanks to the evolutionary pressure of human preference

They told me the movie had lots of heart, but it wasn't even a little bit like Temple of Doom.

On this day in 1775 a handsome young apothecary named Robert Perreau entered a London bank with a simple, if somewhat extravagant request www.damninteresting.com/dupes-and-du...

It's that time again.

I need a word that's like daydreaming, but negative. Similar to catastrophizing, but in an idle/methodical way, with no panic and no conviction it will actually happen. It can be a loanword, if that helps. German, Latin, I'll take whatever you got.

ACAB includes the dentist who scheduled my appointment right at lunchtime.

It’s actually FEWER Misérables