Walmart about to permanently fuck up some toddlers today:

If you can't handle me at my dactylic hexameter, you don't deserve me at my trochaic tetrameter

If we shot them fast enough, they'd red shift.

In these trying times, the real heroes are the ones who get new episodes of The Traitors up on DailyMotion within an hour of the broadcast.

I keep telling people that I didn't imagine the game "Hunt the Wumpus," but they never believe me.

Francis Scott Key (1779-1843) probably never got to order food to go, and he certainly never got to make a "key takeaways" joke. It just makes me sad, that's all.

Made a curry for dinner last night, to which my daughter replied, "Ah, winter slop." I had to repeatedly assure her father that it wasn't an insult on my cooking.

Well, those boots were not made for walking

This looks like it belongs in a Final Fantasy game [complimentary]

You know how something can tickle the back of your brain for over a decade, and you can't quite figure out why? Then all of a sudden one night it hits you: Mike Birbiglia and Paul Rudd have the same smile.

My husband has a lower A1C than I do, and this is how bullying looks in our household.

The singular of dice should be douse, actually.

A joke from my son that proves I raised him right

Between "Severance," "Alien: Earth," and now "Pluribus," it's clear that ruminant farm animals are having a real heyday at the casting office.

Conversely, Bardot had been the last surviving person who was ever name-checked in Tom Lehrer's "Lobachevsky." (The others being Ingrid Bergman, Marilyn Monroe, and Doris Day.) youtu.be/UQHaGhC7C2E?...

another robot highlight for 2025: man wearing humanoid mocap suit kicks himself in the balls

As a child, I once posted "How do I dress like a cool person?" to the Kids & Teens section of the Prodigy message board service. I'm starting to think their advice was misguided.

Real nice sculpture you got there. Would be a shame if someone put a large reflecting pool in front of it, causing your patrons to consider both the nature of imagery and our relationship to the natural world.

What's got two elbows, and can successfully manipulate a touch pad with them to skip a YouTube ad while she's got raw pie dough all over her hands? THIS LADY.

New Briggs-Meyers test where you get measured along scales of Happy/Grumpy, Bashful/Dopey, and Sleepy/Sneezy/Doc.

*on a work Zoom with Brits* *remember to say trousers instead of pants* *get so distracted congratulating myself that I accidentally describe a lady's personality as spunky*

"Morning person" implies cute and chipper. I'm more like a Harbinger of Dawn.

I've reached the part of the holidays where very stupid jokes are entertaining me. For example, speed is a getaway drug.

What idiot called that little narc Elf on the Shelf and not Police Navidad?

Interesting to consider that Bad Thing #1 (our craving for parasocial relationships) could be the main failure point of Bad Thing #2 (AI).

Currently so D&D-brained, I referred to a book that wasn't part of a series as a "one-shot."

in ancient Greece, they were called the wine-dark man group

Had a complaint about my no-smudge lipstick rubbing off on my trumpet, so I called my ombre embouchure ombudsmen.

Time again for my favorite christmas post ever, one that still makes me laugh every time i read it

Love to walk into the guest bathroom to discover an open water bottle and a utility bill that I accidentally left there two days ago.

It happened again. Like a Mentos-and-Diet-Coke situation in the mouth. Total carnage.

"I don't care, my precious baby boy needs his cement" --something my fully adult, aerospace engineering son just said to me

HBO Max putting out a remastered version of this post where you can see the friends

Oh my god they made a Metallica Monopoly board game too

Speaking for my own personal tastes, I think fantasy can only function with an underlying sense of realism. Santa wrestling a polar bear? Yes, please. Santa surrounded by penguins? Get the fuck out of here, that's a South Pole animal.

this is a work of art

Haymaker is such a funny word for a punch. If I ever punch someone, it's definitely going to be a haymaker.

my life is 90% overthinking and 10% wondering if I told this story already or just rehearsed it in my mind 50 times

It's time for my favorite French cuisine, l'ftovers.

The name "Sahara" is derived from the Arabic word for desert (çahra), which means the Sahara Desert is the 'Desert Desert'. If you eat ice cream there, you're having a Desert Desert Dessert. It's hard to find an ice cream stand, because the Desert Desert is a Dessert Desert. (📷Ibrahim El-Mezayen)

Today I learned that Texas has an invasive species called the Rasberry Crazy Ant. Instead of biting, it sprays poison. It can form supercolonies that stretch for miles. And normal pesticides don't kill it. Merry Christmas!

Overheard on my way into the grocery store: Young man: Do you... know what a CyberTruck is? Grandma: A Cyber-what? The world is healing.

So far in today's cooking marathon, I have cut myself twice, and stabbed myself three times with a toothpick. As is tradition.

I might actually watch beauty pageants if they all dressed up like fish

Good old Woz. Good for him.

So tired of children's alphabet books that rely on xylophone and x-ray. It's high time the youth of today learned the word xylospongium.

Not saying I would be caught by sirensong but I would definitely crash my ship straight into a rock if I heard this

No point in going to sleep now, in ten minutes all my daily puzzles drop.