You should have zigged while I was zagging This wasn't about a facial... Maybe..

The coffee is perfect, just like my rack.

My happiness is directly linked to how strong my coffee is.

People… yuck..

waking up from a nightmare into a nightmare should be illegal

You can't take it with you when you go, so leave no love left unspoken and no ice cream in the fridge.

get in loser we’re gonna spray paint small dicks on all the lifted trucks in this cow town

I dont know who needs to hear this, but dont dump pasta sauce on your partner's head just because they won't tell you what kind of pasta noodles they want

They should really be wearing eye protection! -me, watching porn

Can someone wake me up when social media no longer sucks? Thanks!

In the information era, ignorance is a choice.

Follow me for more aggressive anal advice

Fuck this nonsense... I'm getting rich tomorrow off the lotto and quitting my job... My boss is gonna be so pissed...

Sometimes I pick up extra shifts at work because I'm a psychopath.

When life gives you clouds, make silver linings.

I have Reese’s peanut butter cups and KitKats. Winning!

[after a petty argument] Occam’s vindictive girlfriend: *changes relationship status to it’s complicated*

Hallmark movies show you how to fall in love with them, Lifetime movies show you how to kill them...

If I can’t touch you, kiss you and hold you... Then I don’t want to think of you, desire you and miss you.

spending the day sprinkling legos across this trampoline park

Kids just won't understand.

Steak tip salad with jalapeño vinaigrette dressing, cuz healthy...

Happy Fucking Friday Fuckers! Hope y'all enjoy your day!

I announced to my family I don't want any kids.. My children weren't happy!

Lke my nana always said close your legs to married men

I’m going to start every conversation with -riddle me this…

You don’t fuck with veterans or seniors that’s not up for debate

I've never met bad doughnuts.

Social media 101.. assume everyone is married.

A little extra mischievous today.

Good morning if you're not getting it on the reg

Don’t worry about me. I’m just walking around like a lopsided pancake.

People are too nosy, so it's time to bring back, "Mind your own beeswax."

My Dr says I should stop yelling at my boss before I get fired and to prevent my BP from going up... I said "I'm sorry, Doc, but yelling at my boss is self care."

Happy Fucking Friday you fuckity fucks!

play him devotchka’s death by blonde so he knows you fuck

don’t say you love her say you would love to make her dinosaur nuggets and watch her play with them before biting their heads off girls love it when you watch them bite dinosaur heads off

If you choke on your spit in a dream, you die in real life.

Hey! I love you & I'm so glad you're here!

Change your damn clock on your stove already!

[waiting on your front porch with my leg in the air licking my thigh and eyeing you with my butthole] how was work babe

Going on a midlife crisis trip with 2 frenemies seems like my own personal version of hell

Watching the sunset is like getting a forehead kiss from the sky.

There’s heart in moonstruck midnights.