I'm more likely to be ruptured tomorrow

They'll fight Tylenol before gun control and poverty

Hell- Biden didn’t believe her either.

The idea of Dude Wipes is hilarious to me. Just get some gotdamn baby wipes like a real man

I was trying to eat healthy tonight, but some hotwings caught me and changed my mind

Old people will call you while they're watching the news and tell you everything about it

The only way school prepared me for adulthood was when we played dodgeball

Only queen I acknowledge is dairy

Those holiday naps hit harder than a truck in a Final Destination movie

Writing Yelp reviews for all my neighborhood diners, indicating “not an excessive number of teeth in the omelet” on each.

A van down by the river seems like a good idea in this economy

Would have been a great night to rent a 99 cent movie from Blockbuster

My bladder wakes me up at 3 am like a vengeful spirit

I'm in my 40s and still get ptsd from hearing a school bus in the mornings

Sugar is more deadly and addictive than weed

Codependency is an addiction that doesn't get talked about enough

Any selfie can be a thirst trap if people are thirsty enough

I want the wrong types of people uncomfortable with my existence

Imagine life without the arts. Books and music have saved my life

I'm just going to assume all viral videos are staged or AI until proven otherwise

Sometimes TGIF stands for Tequila Gatorade In Fanta can but that may because I’m a degenerate.

August snuck up on me like childhood trauma

I won $4 playing the Powerball so drinks on me

I do nothing and find out so I might as well fuck around

Try explaning that 1950 was only 75 years ago.

Just slapped someone for saying that 2007 was 18 years ago

Frosted Flakes is the best dry cereal and I shan't have any disagreements

Adulthood these days is just bills and running out of memory on devices

You know they're real religious when they say, "father god."

There are a lot of "rules" for parents these days. When I was a kid, the only rule for parents was to make sure the kid was home when the street lamps came on

Just realized I've been clenching my teeth since the early 80s

When people say that nothing in life is free, they're talking about the poor and middle class. Rich people get free shit all the time

People who think the weather is being manipulated can't be reasoned with. Think about it if it was possible, they'd monetize it. For this amount, your weekend would be sunny and clear skies

You can't scare me. I went to public school.

Having a strong sense of smell is such a curse

Imagine buying a new car and some superhero throws it at an alien

I've been lucky enough to survive how unlucky I am

#TEAMTHREE bc what you mean da baby can't get no Christmas in July??!

I'm getting yelled at by a 3 yr old because I can make Christmas start immediately

Some have gone too far with the gentle parenting. They're just allowing these disrespectful and spoiled demons out into the world

Them: Why are you so quiet? Me: Because I'm often given the choice to either agree or lie that I agree, and I'd rather just be silent

I did that - accountable Urkel

Photogenic people are magical. You could snap a pic of them mid explosive diarrhea and they'd still look good

It's all been downhill since Destiny's Child split up

Guy in first Groundhog Day pitch meeting: You know how a lot of rodents are clairvoyant?

At this point, it’s difficult to tell where my own personal bitchiness ends and my perimenopause begins.

My boss saying they can’t afford to take me with them to NYC because “flights are so expensive” when they take a black tie car service to/from the airport at $200 a pop and just partially expensed a personal trip on the company is why I have trust issues.

“Alexa, how much longer?”