i hate when i try to impress someone who's hot by looking cool, calm and collected but then i start choking on Skittles

my job doesn’t pay me enough to think about work outside of work

Why no I won’t accept a penny for my thoughts…

If I decide to follow you back on IG and the first things you do is DM me and then like a bunch of photos of me and then photos of my kid.. yeah you are getting blocked..

I want his life

Problem: We are having pizza later. I want pizza now.

You are like a popular song on repeat… Good the first few times…

How much clearer do I need to be???

Good morning to everyone who doesn’t watch football.

Single parenting is insane.. Just when you think you’ve got your ducks corralled, you trip, knock open the gate and they are out of control.. Again..

i was a stellar wingman for a friend in 2001 does that mean i saved a game can i restart there

This is the most Monday Monday I’ve had in awhile.

Focusing ability today.. Squirrel…

“Is this some sort of threat, Emily?”

Got added to and then removed from a starter pack today. Mom?

Pretty sure I just got blocked for a Star Trek take, which is just good old classic internet instead of deranged politics internet

Coffee is not just a love language, it’s an everyday regularly used language.

Wednesday is nothing more than a speed bump on our way to Friday.

So 19 started classes on Monday. So far College is treating her well.. Meanwhile I’m just over here pretending she’ll be back in a day or two..

you used to like me on the timeline

Had a throat swab today and the nurse said I took it like a pro. Told her I’ve been training since the backseat of a 1999 Chevy Cavalier Z24.

Hard block...soft block...what we need is tender block, where I lovingly hold you in my arms, look deep into your eyes, and then whisper into your ear that I never want hear anything you say ever again because you replied to my post with annoying nonsense and I just can't today.

Therapist: Describe yourself in one word. Me: No.

Reminding myself to keep My Claws in my Paws today… (I have to remind my cats a lot)

Does anyone actually make tacos without putting too much stuff in them??

You see a cow and don’t yell “cow”? Weirdo

I'll just floss tomorrow

chicken wings are great food when you want to pack your body full of shit before you even digest

Sex is great and all but have you ever been tased in a dollar general parking lot?

You can vitamin your way to health the same way you can coupon your way to wealth. Save your money.

People… yuck..

The aol chat room has been a little slow lately.

Ever check your mail and decide to wait until there's better mail before bringing it in

Puts her emotions in a zip lock and throws them in the freezer...

Anyone with just 99 problems doesn't know how good they have it... 🐼😟😟

Rage against the machine - but its just me throwing my toy across the room cause it died half way through...

You know what.. You really shouldn’t send that message..

If you answer work messages during your lunch break it automatically restarts your lunch break time. I don’t make the rules..

Dec - Sprained ankle Feb - Covid (that lingered) March - shingles April - Tennis elbow. Bright side my doctor said: at least I know you keep getting up and living.

Should I, could I, would I… probably not.

got a parking ticket today and got in my car and screamed the way Regina George does after she learns what Kalteen Bars really are in case you're wondering how I'm doing

This could be us but you keep bitchin' about your hemorrhoids.

Biscoff cheesecake…

Just over here embracing the chaos of my life…

I'm gonna stop posting my titties... It doesn't get me anywhere in life... Or here!

Some nights I talk to the Monsters…Some nights the Monsters talk to me…