Copper thieves be like I love the wire

I wrote a joke about buying a dobro but I guess it just didn't resonate with people.

My second most difficult aunt, who is in the hospital for a cat scratch… You know what? I’m going to leave it there.

I don’t believe in hell but I’m willing to make some exceptions.

Non-denominational space lasers.

This might be my Welsh ancestry talking, but llylyllwwwllyygwidhwcwtchllylylyly

Chillin on the bench near Olcott, NY. Facing northwest toward Toronto. Not as cold as it looks.

They put us in different reading groups with animal names so we wouldn't know which were the smart kids and which were... something else. Us Armadillos were reading Curious George Rides a Bike and the Porpoises were reading Finnegans Wake. The Porpoises caught on immediately. I just caught on today.

The best way to untangle a chainsaw chain is with an Ornette Coleman solo in your heart

I'm sorry I said "More like What Is Tart by Leo Hole-stoy" when we quarreled. Maybe next time don't tell me you dreamt about banging your Elementary Russian I professor.

Got a little freaked out after drinking my first ever can of Liquid Death, so I hurried to the store and bought some Life Water. Obviously I will die alone.

The president was so unhinged while showing apparent signs of mental decline at his press conference that Jake Tapper just wrote six more books about Biden's health.

It feels kind of wrong to make dick jokes at a time like this but I'm going to go ahead and make dick jokes at a time like this

Made some Käsespätzle if you guys are hungry.

"I don't know what's happening here" Me, while: -watching sports -parallel parking -trying something new in bed

Give your baby a name where all the letters are silent

good morning only to people who have received a consequence at some point and understand the concept of it

My parents are divorced so we have two January 6ths

Your English teacher and your gym teacher are both on paid administrative leave pending an investigation into allegations they had sex on the principal's desk.

i hope this email finds you orwellian

[God creating dogs] Oh these turned out great. Im going to want all of these back at some point

Beautiful but frigid south shore of Lake Ontario near Olcott NY. If you make it bigger (obligatory heynow) you can see Toronto just left of dead center.

My nickname back in driving school was unofficial parking space because I'd get all huffy if someone else's car was in my thoughts even though they're public and undesignated

All I ask is that you spend so much time online that you know all my little songs and jokes

Try to put yourself in a position where they don't keep making you do cognitive tests.

Stolen velour, is that a thing?

No matter where I go, Nature finds a way to remind me I dated an arborist in the early 2000s.

Sry for the New Year's flex but sex with me was recently described as "like hearing Bach played on a broken accordion."

decided to take the form of a grasshopper and stop pretending I have this life thing sorted out

Fuck this. If I was going to become a better person, I would have become a better person when I was still young enough to have some hope of becoming a better person.

social media is cool I guess but I kinda miss the hacky sack circle

Got banned for life from working in McDonald's on my first day for shouting YES McCHEF every time an order came in.

You don't see kids named Gandalf anymore.

It's already that time to play the I didn't know they died this year game.

Advertising really works. Like when you’re at the grocery store trying to decide what cheese to buy, and then you remember Wayne Gretzky told you to gamble on sports on your phone.

I think we can all agree that the wealthy want to improve the lives of everyone and not just them.

God: I can't help noticing Jesus has Joseph's nose Mary: [laughs nervously] What a strange coincidence

If you think it feels like a Wednesday, YOU ARE A DIRTY FILTHY LIAR

I hope my family appreciates all the printed order confirmations I’m giving them for Christmas

Mistletoe is just a cameltoe in festive leggings.

Café. New bestie just walked in.

An icy and windy Great Lake.

When you can't get to the stylist for ages because you're a disembodied head and no one will drive you.

Santa just texted my chimney “wyd”

If you don't have nicknames for any of your shoes may I recommend adding some whimsy to your life

Spirits are out but they're not the same as the one you want to get into. Sure, they're around and you can't say that about most abandoning darkness it's just that natural worlds have cute words like lightsies

Hauling a scallywag just to keel something.

Me: So do you like Christmas Carols? Carol: Yes. Carol: Yes Carol: I really do. Carol: Same Carol: I can't believe you're gonna post this