i hope this email finds you orwellian

[God creating dogs] Oh these turned out great. Im going to want all of these back at some point

Beautiful but frigid south shore of Lake Ontario near Olcott NY. If you make it bigger (obligatory heynow) you can see Toronto just left of dead center.

My nickname back in driving school was unofficial parking space because I'd get all huffy if someone else's car was in my thoughts even though they're public and undesignated

All I ask is that you spend so much time online that you know all my little songs and jokes

Try to put yourself in a position where they don't keep making you do cognitive tests.

Stolen velour, is that a thing?

No matter where I go, Nature finds a way to remind me I dated an arborist in the early 2000s.

Sry for the New Year's flex but sex with me was recently described as "like hearing Bach played on a broken accordion."

my hog call brought 30-50 feral hogs to my yard, and i'm like, it's better than yours

decided to take the form of a grasshopper and stop pretending I have this life thing sorted out

Fuck this. If I was going to become a better person, I would have become a better person when I was still young enough to have some hope of becoming a better person.

social media is cool I guess but I kinda miss the hacky sack circle

Got banned for life from working in McDonald's on my first day for shouting YES McCHEF every time an order came in.

You don't see kids named Gandalf anymore.

It's already that time to play the I didn't know they died this year game.

Advertising really works. Like when you’re at the grocery store trying to decide what cheese to buy, and then you remember Wayne Gretzky told you to gamble on sports on your phone.

I think we can all agree that the wealthy want to improve the lives of everyone and not just them.

God: I can't help noticing Jesus has Joseph's nose Mary: [laughs nervously] What a strange coincidence

If you think it feels like a Wednesday, YOU ARE A DIRTY FILTHY LIAR

I hope my family appreciates all the printed order confirmations I’m giving them for Christmas

Mistletoe is just a cameltoe in festive leggings.

Café. New bestie just walked in.

An icy and windy Great Lake.

When you can't get to the stylist for ages because you're a disembodied head and no one will drive you.

Santa just texted my chimney “wyd”

If you don't have nicknames for any of your shoes may I recommend adding some whimsy to your life

Spirits are out but they're not the same as the one you want to get into. Sure, they're around and you can't say that about most abandoning darkness it's just that natural worlds have cute words like lightsies

Hauling a scallywag just to keel something.

Me: So do you like Christmas Carols? Carol: Yes. Carol: Yes Carol: I really do. Carol: Same Carol: I can't believe you're gonna post this

Lake snow moving in.

gun to my head, if i had to pick my least favorite stage of capitalism i'd definitely say late

I thought they stopped putting toys in cereal boxes but a peace prize fell out of mine.

G-spot sounds like what a naive youth pastor would name an edgy teen gathering where they rap about god

A group of just two or three crows is called an “involuntary manslaughter.”

I'm kind of concerned the current administration might use the NORAD Santa Tracker to shoot him from the sky then double back to bomb any survivors.

Lake Ontario looking toward Toronto.

Carol of the Bells, Dave of the Tinnitus

If you bring your fancy peanut butter to the Home Depot paint dept they have to mix it for you

It's nice to finally see some truth in advertising.

A retired coworker came back for a visit after a decade and she's somehow morphed into Andrés Segovia and I've never been more turned on.

Before you dm me you need to understand that i eat bananas like corn cobs

Draw me like the bath you'll throw the toaster in

I visit these swans every late Oct and they’re like “ugh she’s here again” I stay far from them. I am zoomed in on them. But they’re zoomed in on me as well and moving away 😭 🦢🦢🦢🦢

Last February, Peter and his son split sections of a walnut log into pieces for a joint stool.

my incubus woke me up all night with his restless leg syndrome

a girl should not have to work if it’s misty. She should be allowed to wander the moors wailing as nature intended

Any time I don’t know the answer to a question, I say “the surgeon was the boy’s mother” just in case

This is what happens when a minor character from a Faulkner novel fucks a loggerhead turtle.

A company whose only two products are chunky rubber stamps that read either, “ENCHANTED,” or, “DISENCHANTED.”