I see what the problem is. Your mama don’t dance & your daddy don’t rock & roll

They should make the Discover feed harder to find.

Slammed a bunch of Tylenol and watched Kimmel like a true freedom rebel.

The 12-foot statue depicts the president holding hands with the late financier and convicted sex offender Jeffrey Epstein showed up at the capital. "We celebrate the long-lasting bond between President Donald J. Trump and his 'closest friend' Jeffrey Epstein.”

Somebody asked me if I ever hold the door open for danger so I let the back window slam down on of course I do I just don't feel like it right now's fingers

"It was a singularity to everything except the pinwheel using it as a center of mass to attract some attention to the universe" wow so peacocks only teach physics for showing off

Don’t you hate it when the automatic arm rail of the escalator is out of sync with the stairs, and your arm moves so far ahead of you it dislocates then detaches and goes on to form its own life separate of you?

After a summer-long regimen of shark collagen and tortoise shell calcium, I hope to be ready to molt in time for Thanksgiving.

STEPHEN MILLER: you have no idea what you have awakened. we will save the West. we will turn darkness into light. we will rise like a phoenix from the pit of fire and EVERYONE ELSE AT THE DUNGEONS AND DRAGONS GAME TABLE: ROLL THE FUCKING DIE ALREADY

one thing about me is that no matter what the room i absolutely cannot hang

If I came back as a footballer I’d be the Czech size of that 58 from Detroit.

please like my posts it's the only thing keeping me off the streets

Been away from home for nine days, can’t remember my address.

God said love thy neighbor but they started it is all I'm sayin

Bartender, your finest breakfast stout and an order of Leberkäse & eggs, please.

They WOULD schedule the rapture for the week after I got a promotion on Friday

Nobody's ever clicked out of Oz PAST there's no place like home before 😮

There are so many good people doing good things every fucking day and we’ll never know a thing about it. Add that into the mix when the assholes get you down.

Earth, Wind & Fire came on while I was in the shower last night so I got out and put my panties on just so I could drop them

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN AND @tuskjenkins: Feest your eyes, for what you are about to witness 7months post spinal surgery, is me attempting these Fluevog Louis heels for the duration of the afternoon:

I don’t care how much genius is poured into robotics, the morons have not realized how much money there would be in pedicure bots. Idiots. I’d buy one of those before a roomba.

bond girls but they’re also muppets: thread

I dunno, if I would have had any idea the US would cease to exist in my lifetime, I would not have been so concerned about eating healthy all these years.

Is it just me or did the final episode of The Summer I Turned Pretty seem rushed, like the President was gonna find out Bella is now of legal age and cancel their series??

Within a fortnight, you’ll have 3 (three) channels to choose from: Fox, The Gun Channel, and The Flag Channel. Every ad will be for boner pills

Note how long my Gyardude has been dominating this gym in Mississippi :

Throwback to great Grammy’s 99th!

"I love you, you big beautiful stupid piece of shit." -me, to my dog

If antifa was really a cohesive organization, the right wouldn't be able to be doing a fascism right now.

Which is your favorite Hunt? 1. Ethan 2. Helen 3. For Red October

“Wait but if they declared anti-fascists enemies of the state then they were basically admitting the state is actually fascist, no?” — some poor baffled student trying to study for their Fall of the American Empire history exam in the year 2525, probably

WGA Statement on ABC’s Decision to Pull Jimmy Kimmel Live!

My hiphop name would be Notorious FML.

My heart monitor left me at Trader Joe’s for lack of a better connection. Dead.

everyone talks about how eating lead paint chips is unhealthy but it's the weight gain that'll kill you.

i see gorgeous masonry like this and i go absolutely silly sicko mode

Cardiologist is recommending a heart monitor and I hope he’s good lookin cuz there hasn’t been a pitter patter nor a flutter up in here for years.

Why do we assume that some questions have answers and some don't, that's the invitation to silence. And if you RSVP but just kind of stare at where you are or are not going then we have settled it. No one is an ass of us.

Thinking about opening one of those furniture stores that’s always going out of business.

Just heard a former NFL quarterback say “I had so many great years with my tight end” and I nodded knowingly

While going through a pretty intense weight loss effort, I have unfortunately found the best chips I've ever tasted.

why is it cockadoodledoo instead of the more alliteratively satisfying dickadoodledoo

For medical reasons I will now hit you with a hammer

It's like my mom always said: "wish in one piss and hand your other one and see what happens next". Something like that. Was too busy playing Super Mario Bros 2 to listen.

Fuck it. I’m gonna start telling people I’m 10 years older than I am so they think I look amazing.

They said to clear my mind so I picture a clearing but we all know I mean the noun when a helicopter lands to take the other nouns I'm distracted by away, like flight

I’ve reached another level of clutter on top of the previous layers of clutter. I think I’ll have beer about it until a magical assistant appears.

To the tune of “Owner of a Lonely Heart”:

As a kid, to get us to eat tomatoes mom would sprinkle them generously with sugar. The sugar would soak up all the juice and make a delicious concoction. I came to appreciate a good tomato, but every once in a while I still sugar one as a treat.