I just saw someone call Kash Patel "J. Edgar Boozer" and I can't stop laughing.

It is a broken Christianity that says “God protected him!” when a president survives and “thoughts and prayers” when school kids die.

some people down the street left a nice sturdy wardrobe moving box with the built-in metal crossbar out in the recycling and i made it into a puppet theatre with a paper awning from the dollar tree and some packing tape in literally like 10 minutes

Frustration Mounts Over Incomplete Shot Missing Target at White House Correspondents Dinner.

This fuckin dude wasn’t even worth the pokè ball to catch him:/

keep refreshing the weather app hoping rain shows up

to be honest, I want this more than marriage

Jesus, I’m not even playing and I’m tired of this hockey game.

Hunger is not a games to me

Measuring every type of wave in a space with all mannersisms of equipment for an exact nicest spot instead of just following the senses, yes me too, I can't even book without nook positioning system

I just don't like folding things, I could never get into it.

Not now babe, the Shania Twainathon is on

Finally getting to yard work after both shoulders being replaced and suddenly I’m transformed into Hiram Bingham, finding buried ruins of a landscape that was…

my wife opens my diary & her jaw drops as she reads page after page after page after page of bigfoot poetry

You asked Claude for advice? The weakest character in the musical Hair?

There is nothing familiar about the inside of this whale but the swallowing took me back. The 90's indie rock scene, books I thought I should read, too much time with the wrong person, all in boxes outside, oh shit my ex kicked me out of this whale

Realtors rave about natural light. I want the unnatural kind. Every room should make it look like I’m holding a flashlight under my chin

I never wanted to post this path. I started out as a walking stick account, but then I poked my first stupidest shit I could think of and the stick treeactivated

"Yaas king, slay" I cheer quietly to myself as I finish my 2lb asada burrito.

Just a thought: How about we stop shaming the poor for buying things that may not be essential, and start shaming the rich for making a profit off things that are essential?

It's gonna be long dry summer. Best get to pickling your hot dogs.

Lumbar support? Mine gave me a big hug and whispered "it's not your fault"

Breathing and cursing like your ancestors did by the kitchen window, understanding everything now. The sea was out there, in a rage always cursing never breathing it's out there still. But you have dolphin yoga

if I don’t make it tell my friends not to touch my shit

This is both (1) some of the most important SCOTUS reporting ever, and (2) far too generous to the Republican justices in framing of many pieces and omissions of Trump-era developments

Hard to believe that I’m both a stoner and a rat person, but let’s say I’m easily misled about whether or not rat dinner already happened tonight.

I've been waiting for the cows to come home my whole life

A tree outside my house keeps trying to wave me over like it has gossip.

The head of the FBI isn't supposed to be getting blackout drunk. He's supposed to be cross-dressing

Help, a group of skateboard punks are walking close behind me giving me a "flat tire" every block.

Sorry, can't. I'm off to find a sugar momma at San Manuel Indian Bingo and Casino.

turns out i'm shamelessly entertained by reels of porch pirates stealing exploding paint packages

Because your heart is a millinery

Been anticipating my best friend visiting a few days to help me clear out my house and she was here for an hour then left her grandson w me to get a tattoo in LA. She’ll be back Fri and leaves Sunday. GODDAMNIT WHY DO I LET MYSELF GET HAPPY FOR SOMETHING THAT ENDS UP BEING A DRAG.

Alright, fine, I’ll do it. I’ll be governor of California.

Rounding up the racing thoughts until tomorrow.

Sorry I woke you up because I was laughing at my own jokes too loudly.

came down to the wire tonight but we were able to figure out what’s for dinner again

took the day off to get an april sunburn installing a new rabbit fence in the garden. I didn’t send a single email

100 bottles of hot sauce on the wall 100 bottles of sauce Take one down, Splash it in the eyes of your enemies, 99 bottles of hot sauce on the wall.

Tomorrow morning me is gonna be super pissed at late night bullshit slinging me who apparently cannot be bothered with a bedtime.

But they were all of them deceived, for another Non Blonde was made.

Cartoons just be doin’ stuff.

Taking 10 kindergartners to the movies this afternoon and I have one preliminary question: Is Mario a painter or a plumber?

I post like I've just set off a bomb and I'm walking away from the explosion without looking back

Sheeez…92 is trying to get 90 to switch walkers and ITS LIKE WW IV ALL UP IN HERE

These assholes have been talking about the end since the beginning