oh, they pulled a Shocknek

Losing 1 HP per step just due to how things are out there

I like Toxins

i touched grass and it gave me ticks

Why, you little thief! Come back!

please stop telling me to reserve the pasta water, I have forty-five gallons of it in my kitchen, it is taking over my life

the phrase "lipstick on a pig" has always inspired a deep sadness in me. I think of the pig, looking forward to her big night out, and I bring myself to the verge of tears.

Let's suffer!

kinda feelin like a non-euclidean orb today

Love to click the song link you sent but I gotta protect my algorithm from your bad influence

What's wrong baby? You haven't touched your peach piss n fart cake.

with his sharp tiny teeth my brave little dog Popcorn Bucket bit the fleeing diamond thieves

Writing down all the pros and cons and concluding that the pros are better

Throwback to when a TV station in Iceland accidentally aired an episode of Teletubbies with subtitles from the Sopranos 👌🏼

this is my kind of company motto right here

I found a huge vein of naturally occurring lunch

it would be really cool if hold on sorry gotta go something came up im driving through a tunnel and so on bye

pause. #art #furry #furryart #opossum

🚨REAL🚨Discovered something so incredibly dangerous to me personally, which is that every food item on the grocery store app has reviews

what is art

I miss my dog. She’s alive, it’s just I’m at work

Googling "food near me" and a grainy picture of my fridge pops up

this photo cracks me up

A trick that got me out of poverty was eating one tiny but very dense bean for every meal

well, that settles that

"Can you explain this gap in your resume?" Me:

honorarily modding the user that died in my IRC channel

making fun of me one time is an imminent threat

“The Elder Scrolls” is what they say about you when you’re on your phone!

(read this in a funny way not a insane bluesky person way)

becoming a shinier, glossier version of myself one stick of butter at a time

Procrastination is a dish best served some other time.

every mushroom foraging guidebook: This is Woodland Pot Roast, a tasty little mushroom that adds a delightful flavour to soups and stews. Note that it is often mistaken for Satan’s Fistula, a mushroom that erases the last 9 generations of your family from God’s ledgers.

[logging on to computer] surely this will be less stressful than daily life,,

you are repugnant and im glad i already told you to go fuck yourself

I have thoughts about the something or another

ME: team rocket will never steal these rare Pokémon! Not unless they wanna take on me and my fully evolved Miss Cigarettes! MISS CIGARETTES: miss cigarettes

I let the Tetris pieces fall where they may. If that's just the middle, so be it. I'm a busy man

New formula

[board meeting] (slapping both palms on the table) I HAVE TO POOP I'LL BE RIGHT BACK CEO: was that the donut delivery guy

i don't know about you but wow!

Having a coma dream of an imaginary life that's exactly like my own and I wake up screaming

*my friend misgenders me while explaining the rules of a board game* ME: it's "they", not "he" FRIEND: shit, I'm so sorry ME: also I didn't understand anything else you said

Being bad at video games is so embarrassing, what do you mean I got a failing grade in playing toys