urethras are kinda 3d printers for piss

people think there's just one bart simpson- but there's actually two of them. The one that writes on the chalkboard at the beginning of every episode is a different one. All he does is write on that chalkboard. It's why they can't cancel the show. because his punishment isn't over yet

woah this cop shops at the same shirt store as @deadblossomjesse.bsky.social

I'll be buying a half dozen of these for when me and my boys need to let our fucking nuts hang

Welcome once more to 2028s highest rated show, "Squish!" Tonight, we have several key decision-makers involved in GOP gerrymandering efforts. Contestant A, how do you plead? "Oh, I was following instructions & doing what I thoug-" A buzzer sounds & a car-sized boulder is cut loose from its ropes.

counting or not counting white house correspondents dinners

A verification code has been inserted into one of your childhood memories. Once you've reminisced, enter it here:

All of my political views and policy ideas have basically collapsed to "Punish the Villains" and I mumble it to myself every time I see a news article these days

It’s inaccurate to say Mario is brave and Luigi is cowardly Luigi is afraid of death, so he runs away from danger. Mario is afraid of living, so he runs towards death. Both brothers are cowards in their own way

Dude we are so good at watching movies we are basically sizzle and egg bert

BAGGER: (spilling my groceries on the floor) Oh God. I'm so sorry. This isn't what I'm supposed to do. ME: How are you supposed to do it? MANAGER: She means she was gonna be a fox. In the woods and shit. But something happened and she got stuck. BAGGER: (crying) Got so stuck.

those beautiful naked women have made a compelling argument i'm going to steer this ship into the rocks

Server: how would you like your eggs? Me: owl or better, please

hey dude not to be a dick but i think you really need to take a moment and let the beauty our world has to offer wash over you. you've created a frankly dogshit vibe in our pikmin inflation groupchat

She calling me "machine that kills fascists" the way my Woody girthy

[your victorian child who just puked all over the carriage] i’ve done a deed most foul

Putting a this machine kills fascists sticker on the sybian and side eyeing everyone at the swingers club who doesn’t get on

was doing research yesterday

Every single day the @jessefarrar.com tweet about conservative college kids becomes not only funnier but genuinely the objectively correct thing we should have done at the time

Prove your loyalty to The Knights of the Nine by choking your genitals

Edge case: Frankenstein's monster earns a doctorate

getting into film

Watching Return to Oz for the first time and cannot see the Nome King as anything but @calebdmtg.bsky.social

I'm snug as a bung

WOKE 2 IS HERE

(Woody Allen eating a Da Bomb wing on Hot Ones) WOODY: Boy, that's like dating your first Gentile girl, there's a real sting to it. Wowee, that's hotter than a New York cab in August. Havin' flop sweat like after the Curse of the Jade Scorpion premiere. SEAN: Was it weird marrying your daughter?

Happy #superbowl eve, thinking a lot about my review of Bottoms (2023)

letterboxd for sex dreams about breakfast cereal mascots

still thinking about joey chestnut in a pussy eating contest and hes dunking them all in water so he can eat them faster

“Are the arts important?” Humanity practiced them long before they had use for science and will practice them long after math is gone. Is the dawn important? Is dusk?

Not in word list? Then where the fuck does my wife go every night dumbass? Fucking stupid prick

Something really really good is going to happen today. Or really really bad. Hard to tell from here. It all just looks like little blips

You're telling me a sey fried this Amanda? (saw testament of Ann Lee)

He needs It to not happen every second of every day, but we only need It to happen once

what is no he fucking wasnt, idiot

“does the fiction film have coherent radical politics?” is a question that sounds like “can you take me to the potty? i can’t go by myself!”

Can’t believe he said this, seems somewhat disrespectful

The “prosecute the former regime at every level” candidate has my vote in 2028.

I actually think it's really good when public urinals have such shiny chrome on them that you have to look at your pepper while you make- don't get a chance to check in with it as much as I'd like throughout the day

hey man havent heard from ya since high school can i come over to your house and use your oven to make homemade clay bricks i burned mine down making homemade clay bricks

I don't look at the menu at restaurants anymore. I just say "give me the daddy stack" and see what happens

a fun thanksgiving ice breaker is to go around the table and rate everyone by hotness. it’s fine if no one else wants to play

It's not a foolproof plan but every political debate from now on should be a Normal Guy competition. Ask them to describe grocery shopping in detail. Talk about what it's like to have a friend

He clint on my william until I email