The following candidates should loudly and immediately drop out of the California governor’s race. They have no path to the governor’s office and can only serve as Democratic spoilers at this point. @katieporterca.bsky.social @mattmahansj.bsky.social @tonythurmond.bsky.social Antonio Villaragosa

According to sources close to the Vice President, JD Vance is considering coming out as a pedophile to be more acceptable to Trump supporters.

remember the time before smartphones, when parents just used cigarettes to ignore their kids

(misremembering the phrase "chewed out") yeah my boss ate me out in front of everyone yesterday

Paying for parking at a hospital really ties the whole American healthcare experience together.

The NAACP is urging Black athletes and fans to “withhold athletic and financial support” from public universities in states that “have moved to limit, weaken or erase Black voting representation”

A marijuana strain to alleviate a bad mood named Ennuieed.

wanna come over and touch my “i voted” sticker?

I asked him to take me somewhere expensive and he took me to the gas station

comforted by the fact that food you eat in your car during a road trip is calorie free

Naps are the best thing ever. I don’t know why I fought them as a little kid.

what happened the colonel used to be so bangable with his eleven herbs

The Illumi-not-i

Her: Are you okay? Me *digging my own grave*: Why do you ask?

Yes, this IS a chip clip in my hair.

Hope you find an intriguing scab on your head today

Sleep coach: Relax and clear your mind. Insomnia coach: Remember in 5th grade when Jennifer Danforth waved in your direction so you waved back but she yelled “Eww, not you!” and everyone laughed? Good, you’re doing great.

John Crow Roberts has the mind of a Confederate enslaver. I hate him with the white hot intensity of a million suns.

Meanwhile in Seattle…

Alien: And how did you run out of water? Earthling: Machines drank it. Alien: Machines. Earthling: We had to feed machines the water. Aliens: So the machines were holding your planet hostage for water. Earthling: No, we made the thirsty machines. They worked for us. Alien: End communication.

how did you know you’re gay

Someone left him out in the sun for too long.

Pick a Bond from the photos you already have on your phone

i’m about to save so much money you guys

headquartersnewsroom Good trouble. www.instagram.com/reel/DYa3ocx...

Data centers should have to generate their own green electricity and be allowed only gray water.

Can we just admit that this experiment of putting the worst of humanity in charge of every aspect of our government was a terrible idea?

i’m convinced someone is stalking me and every time i find a product that works for me, they go and make sure it stops being made

I love being at Home Goods with all the evil women and gay men

I like how the Ninja Turtles wear masks. Good way to hide your identity. I mean, it's not like you're a giant turtle or anything.

I was just guffawed at, not with

No! My senses can come to me.

isn’t their something weird about all of these guys’ penises?

james lipton IS shia labeouf IN curtis sliwa: renegade angel

ngl, i don’t really curse that much . only when i stub my toe or sit on a cold toilet seat or get cut off in traffic or trip on a curb or encounter turbulence or watch the news or try to open a jar or hear from the IRS or run out of milk or try to figure out which smoke alarm is chirping or

He’s a 10 but he yells “GARSH” when he cums.

Porthole feels like it should always be a sex word.

How it feels to watch Sydney Sweeney in Euphoria:

I’m saving all my DoorDash drop off pics and making a collage to hang above my stove

so big it’s a pen25

Just googled the word consequences to make sure it’s still a thing

Who’s your favorite uncle on a sitcom?

K$H will be out by monday i believe

i want every one of george michael’s (bluth) shirts

i wonder if they took brett ratner so he can film wag the alien

make it a fun game: just assume that anyone who gets it has had sex with someone who has it

seth meyers is unfortunate-looking