Why do they call it a retirement community and not an unc-yard

🤬

Same

Why don’t they make the entire airplane out of DeVonta Smith

It’s actually “and with your spirit” now

epidemic of guys saying “and also too” you can just say also

♥️ 💍

Dan Campbell pushing all the right buttons for Detroit tonight

Victorious Fangio

Since when is it illegal to hug a field goal post

Kevin Patullo = Kellen Less

Mike Tirico: …and Pete Davidson, also here Cris Collinsworth: Ha ha ha ha ha ha

Kevin Patullo your controller is unplugged

Things Cooper DeJean is not: 1) a safety 2) your boy toy

Yaaaooo dats Baayute halse raaaow

Cooper DeGenius

The Capital One commercials led me to believe the amazing dining and travel experiences Jennifer Garner is always having are free of charge if you have the card

What my oven clock sees when im changing back to Eastern Standard Time

Call him Jared Golf because that’s what he’ll be doing in January

Melania

This is what they stole from The Louvre

Me (crying): I’m not a stalker I just need to know what DeVonta eats! Cop: Place the trash can down slowly and put your hands in the air

When it comes to presidents some call bill clinton “the Goat” which would make trump “the Chupacabra”

POV you are Russell Crowe’s hand at the beginning of Gladiator

(fast talking legal voice over at the end of commercial) The Woke Mob is not affiliated with La Cosa Nostra LLC or any of its subsidiaries

Controversial gerrymandering take: They should invent new cities along the Mississippi River for the Eagles to win Superbowls in

(watching a guy in makeup and a Golden Girls hairstyle dancing to YMCA) This guy never sucked a dick in his life!

Your YouTube ad options are: Unauthorized AI version of celebrity voice selling you tactical clothing Or Young guys opening baseball cards and yelling let’s goooooooo

Just once I want one of these players or former players or coaches to say “yes I enjoy playing in Philadelphia, the fans are very loud in support of their team and they tell me im ‘a bum’ and my ‘team stinks’ but i, as an adult male, am not bothered by this because Sticks and Stones”. Just once.

(semi comatose NPR voice) So join us every Sunday morning at 8 as we enjoy small pastries at the library, it’s Mini Quiche and Microfiche, right here on WHYY

If you’re at the game within shouting distance of Jared Goff ask him if he enjoyed moving from Malibu to Detroit and which place did he like more

Philadelphia and Detroit both have a Drexel, one is an esteemed university and the other is a white pimp played by Gary Oldman. Advantage Birds.

Breadman gonna put you down tonight, jared 🍞

DeVonta Smith probably in full REM sleep dreaming about shaking a corner so hard his skeleton dislocates

“I want you to make chicken cutlets for my family birthday dinner” “Oh so you want me to be….serving cunt-lets?? Ha ha h-“ “No” “Do you get i-“ “Yes. Stop.” “Cap!”

Jeff Epstein:

Women only want one thing and it’s disgusting (you to make them an egg scramble with carmelized onions and canadian bacon and gruyere)

The hair, the makeup, the tacky gold decorations…..if only there were signs

They always said about Bill Clinton, and this was true for women and men, that he made you feel like you were the only person in the world sucking him off while being photographed by a Mossad agent

Agreed. Ultimate Dicksucker Stadium doesn’t exactly roll off the tongue so to speak.

It was always going to end this way fellas

It’s rut season out there now when deer cross the streets more carelessly than usual, blinded by abject horniess

Mr President as your attorney I strongly recommend you come out publicly as gay this evening

This is Andy Garcia’s business venture in Things to Do in Denver When You’re Dead