I sleep with hard candies in my mouth in an attempt to coax out the grim reaper so that I can kill him and take his mantle.

Me, avoiding my MILs cooking

Holy shit lol what a (dumb) game

I forgot there was a time he wasn’t a Brown.

AITA I (M32) got virtually sucked off by my (0B1001010♾️ ) agentic “employee” and my wife had me 5150’d

I am a woman who joined the Let’s Rethink Chicks Having The Right To Vote Party and I am concerned they do not take me completely seriously, somebody please help me

Season of giving, any little bit helps.

Hakeem Jeffries Calls For Execution Of Central Park Five

The thing people don’t realize about Sinners is that the ENTIRE movie was built around finding a way to get Hailee Steinfeld to spit in Michael B Jordan’s mouth on camera.

I will impale myself atop the wrought iron fence surrounding the St Peter & Paul cemetery on Sproul road, like a deer, if they do this.

Airport beer going to hit my hand harder than any beer has ever hit my hand

Talking? I’m already drinking them

Saw this and momentarily thought Rachel Brosnahan had gotten engaged to Ernie.

Loser mentality. Take a swing at your only competition. They’ve been eating your lunch for decades.

Idk man, my wife has me do it all the time.

Just had lamb shawarma so good that I quit my job

I was on hand for this procedure. We bioengineered his shoulder pads physically into his body so that he can’t be held anymore.

Her Listening Age was 16 you sick fuck

This is my favorite. Bounces around my head every few months.

lol what does your agent do, man? How is this messaging not out in front. Rookie move.

it will forever be this

“Why do all of the new trolleys say Turkish Airlines on them”

My Spotify data analyst, calling over his co-workers “This guy jerks off more than he doesn’t. It’s not even fun for him anymore. His dick has cauliflower ear.”

Yeah this year is excruciatingly stupid in its own unique way. Por qué no los dos

Happy Spotify Wrapped Day 🎉

There was a Ying Yang triplet

RGIII should be forced to read a list of facts about Brigham Young, live. The king of ped0s. Makes JE look a saint

Understandable that he’d be sitting on the only route concept in the playbook.

The Eagles draft guy?!

Mom Impressed By Tattooed Person’s Manners https://theonion.com/mom-impressed-by-tattooed-persons-manners/

Long overdue, but Spotify no longer gets a dime from me. Fuck them.

DOINK

Then don’t do it what the fuck do you want from me

The names Budd. Budd Tender.

Gonna rip some leaf of christ and peruse the Criterion channel

They called it catch of the year, it's up there

Starting the Infernal Affairs trilogy

Oh my god that might be catch of the year

we have a ten yard punt

Calling in an Extra Spicy Chicken Tikki Masala airstrike on this hangover.

@profanity.accountant give me the good stuff

“I watch a lot of football” yeah well you might want to find a new hobby, big fella.

Over exaggerating their issues Brother, they’re one of the worst offenses in the league. What are you talking about.

If my entire house started sinking into the ground, I’d probably look at the foundation.

everything we know about Sirianni suggests “choked to death on own saliva” is a more likely outcome than “Madden-level winning percentage” and yet

Fubo can eat my ass

Yeah where as if they fail up front, we can enjoy a slow agonizing defeat. Obviously the better option.

Get ready to learn high school football, dickhead

We’re not winning the turnover battle and that’s gonna be the coach’s take away. Which is not the correct take away.

Oh my god an RPO