honestly better than I would have expected

We’re comfymaxxing. We’re going blankie mode.

I have come to the idea that we have to collectively, brutally, ritualistically kill Target just to show capital that we truly aren’t fucking around.

I finished the brother sister coffee commercial just like you asked me to, boss. Real sexy.

"The talons of bargainhunters tore ruthlessly through stacks of silk blouses and left a tangle of unpleated garments upon the earth. The man knelt to comb through the castoffs like a haruspex searching for truth in the entrails of a slaughtered animal."

G&G WG notably different than the D&D WG

AD-ROCK: Yo Ebenezer you gotta show re- BEASTIES: MORSE AD-ROCK: Redemption is not a mere matter of Beasties: COURSE MIKE D: We’ll show you Bob Cratchit’s not a lazy BEASTIES: MOOCHER MCA: We’re Christmas Past MIKE D: Christmas Present BEASTIES: AND CHRISTMAS FUTURE

@dexanderson.com re: inappropriate music choices

tech bros watched ‘nathan for you’ and decided they needed to make the “i’m so sorry i died” that made a child scared real life

Adam Duritz mashing up “A Long December” and “The One” is the best a Taylor Swift song can be www.youtube.com/watch?v=Lc-Z...

Wishing you and yours a solemn and reflective Cyber Monday.

had the intrusive thought that 30 years from now we’re going to have VC funds and military startups named after harry potter stuff and it’s going to be even more annoying than hobbit stuff

Medical Billing AI: Hey there — I know it can be hard out there, but it looks like you owe us $10,000. ME: fiddle de dah/fiddle de dee/ it’s $10,000 dollars you owe to me!/cash or Venmo in my name/this rhyme commands you, your code’s to blame! AI: Absolutely, we’ll get that to you ASAP.

the person in my building who has left their dried linens in 4 of the building's 8 dryers for more than an hour on the sunday after a long holiday weekend needs to be visited in the night by 3 ghosts who sing songs about how we live in a society

It’s due to her I’m made of sponge her spell made this occur So for once I’m glad I’m SquarePants, I’ll be SquarePants KILLING HER

a shirt at savers that says "growth mindset" and it's a 6xl. pretty good

WiFi thermometers are great but honestly any electric thermometer with probes you can leave in whatever you’re cooking is both cheap (I got a great one for like $20) and levels up cooking with an oven basically instantly.

Remember to thank Rebecda Black today for inventing Fridays, we honor her today on Black Friday

Hi everybody, It's Black Friday, a big day for us at The Onion, since we rely almost entirely on your memberships. Our goal for 2026? More print subscribers than the Washington Post. This is, somehow, feasible. So sign up! A year of print is $75 for the year today. Help us do a very funny thing.

i drew masuke eating a pear on the back of a package while i was on the telephone the other day. im sorry i made him frightening

Somebody needs to make a Don Bluth animation inspired RPG Fievel Fantasy if you will. #gamedev #rpg

It is once again that hallowed time of year, where my dad, The Mad Man of Thanksgiving himself, makes an insanely comprehensive spreadsheet for the renowned holiday meal

Happy holiday or not or whatever

Weapon Added To Each Thanksgiving Place Setting In Preparation For Blowout Family Argument

This Thanksgiving I am grateful to my haters, who are also my waiters at the table of success 🙏

"I say we take off and nuke the site from orbit. It's the only way to be sure."

(With apologies to Tim O'Brien) "The things they carried were necessary because a faceless monster had come from another dimension and had murdered Barbara Holland. So they carried Realistic TRC-214 supercoms, bear traps, and a baseball bat with nails in it."

I'm ICE, boys. I love crashing cars, getting divorced, crashing cars, bargain bin jeans, texting while driving, crashing cars, OLD GLORY, and let's not forget my one true passion in life—crashing cars

"I bet Linus would’ve called those popping kernels 'little pangs of painful joy,' or something equally poetic, but of course, he’s not coming this year. Not after his meaning-of-Christmas bit took a turn to the right last winter. He’s booked solid through the spring with CPAC."

guys i dont think i defrosted my turkey right

Shout out to all the single people traveling back to their hometown in the next day or two to visit their parents for the holiday. Just do it. Text your high school ex. See if they want to go hit up the bar the night before Thanksgiving. What could go wrong.

Goddamnit.

I’m sorry WHAT

food takes are what got jean valjean into trouble

Tuesday afternoon before Thanksgiving ...

imagine the disappointment gamers with a religious kink feel every time a game claims it has cross play

By accepting the pardon those turkeys are admitting to culpability

Today is the International Day for the Elimination of Violence against women, a day of education, activism, mourning, and solidarity with other survivors. 1 in 3 women worldwide have experienced physical or sexuaI violence from an intimate partner, today and all days we must work to help change this

I gave my mom what I thought was a soup-themed bath bomb some years back, but it was actually soup. She had to call my dad in to get her out of the greasy tub.

when we say we want more streets to be pedestrianized, this is what we mean

Don’t forget to take your turkey out of the freezer and put it out in the counter and then leave your home in the night never to return

Molly is far, far kinder than I because I would describe it as an exciting trend (because the entire cryptocurrency asset class crashing would be good)

Here are my top 10 dogs carrying big sticks!

NWS has issued a warning for a 90% chance of me drinking hot cocoa and staring out the window sometime in the next 24h

First Secretary of Defense you could defeat by painting a tunnel on the side of a boulder.